Are any of you tired of…well, everything? Politics. Pandemics. Protests. Masks. Working from home. Remote learning. Cooking. Cleaning. Do you feel out of control and fed up?
It’s easy to see the negative and be lured into anger and frustration; our actions and reactions feeding upon one other like pouring gasoline on a fire. But you can disrupt that predictable chain of events if you pay attention to these three common but detrimental responses.
If you’re looking to increase your happiness and handle the stressors around you, practice eliminating these three things from your life. This applies to your job, your family, with your friends, in social media, and anywhere on the planet.
It sounds simple, but it is not easy. We are hardwired with a negativity bias, meaning we more easily see change as a threat. Rerouting our responses takes effort, but it is worth it.
First: Complain no more
Who doesn’t like a good rant? A full-fledged whine about how terrible life is, how ignorant some people are, how awful this pandemic is, how screwed up our democracy feels and just how annoying our family members can be. Misery loves company they say, and based upon a quick review of social media feeds, it seems misery loves an audience. Or the audience loves misery. We eat it up. Join the party and pile on to other’s rants, either in support of or to start an equal but opposite rant.
Complaining only focuses on the problem, which acts like quicksand sucking you down into its powerful grasp. It does not recognize or acknowledge solutions, only pointing out what is wrong, never seeing what is right or possible.
Instead – name it and do something
What can you do instead of complain?
First, name the problem you’re complaining about. Second, figure out what bothers you so much? Third, identify what needs to change, and what is one thing you can do about it.
You may think that some problems are beyond your control. How can you as one person solve racial injustice? Or poverty or ugly political situations. Ask yourself again – what can I do about it? It does not have to be marching in the streets or running for office or starting a food bank. It can be simple acts. Or simply NOT doing something.
Challenge yourself to shift from the problem to possible solutions. Pick one small thing you CAN do, even if it is simply listening to the person whose views you disagree with and not arguing.
Start with yourself and focus on bringing positive energy to your relationships and your universe. If you are with others who are ranting about all the problems in the world, share your intent to stop complaining and gently shift your conversations to something more positive. And if you want a structured framework, check out A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted, which includes a 21-day Complaint Free challenge, if you’re into challenges.
Second: Stop Pointing Fingers
The second response to rid from your life is blame. It is easy to point fingers at someone else and blame them for our problems. It’s their fault. If they didn’t do that, I wouldn’t do this. It’s my husband’s fault that our marriage is failing. The {insert group} is ruining my life and our country. My parents screwed me up and it’s their fault I’m {whatever my problem is.}
It feels good to find a cause and source of our pain. We have something, someone or somewhere to direct our anger.
But anger is powerful and in directing it outwards, we send our power outward. We think we are standing our ground, but in reality we are acknowledging the power they have over our lives by constantly focusing on THEM.
Psychologists will say our blaming is a reflection of ourselves. What we dislike about others is what we dislike about ourselves. Something in the situation, person or place triggers our own insecurities and doubts.
Of course, there are people and situations that inflict pain. We cannot control what happens around us, but we can choose our reaction and shift the trajectory.
Instead – choose to be a bridge
When you blame, the other tends to defend. When we defend, we tend to argue. When we argue, we tend to pick sides. When we pick sides, we isolate and eventually withdraw into our own camp. And we only widen the gaps and fuel the anger.
You can choose to be a bridge. Find common ground. What is it about me that could be reflected in this person or situation?
As the saying goes, if there is one finger pointing out, there are at least three pointing back at you. If you catch yourself blaming someone else or a situation for your or the world’s problems, think of the fingers pointing back at you asking you three questions.
- What do I have in common with the target of my blame?
- How can I re-write the story and reclaim my power?
- How can I accept this person or situation for who and what it is?
Third: Stop Shaming
The last, and I believe most harmful reaction we should eliminate from our life is shame. You may think of shame as synonymous with guilt, but it is not the same and the difference is profound. As shame researcher, Brené Brown points out, guilt is what we feel when we’ve done something bad; shame is when we feel that we ourselves are bad. It’s the difference between judging the behavior versus judging our very selves.
Shame is a powerful emotion that can have devastating consequences. When you internalize your perceived faults as indicators of your worth or well-being, you risk losing your sense of self. Shame is the voice that says you are not good enough. Research shows that shame is connected to depression and anxiety and other negative consequences. Your harsh judgment gives you little room to see the possibility of positive change.
We need to see shame for the dangerous weapon it is and choose a different tool.
We think of shame as internal, but it can also be directed at others with the same long-term effects. Calling out bad behavior is one thing. Calling someone bad because of their behavior is shaming.
The slippery slope shame creates is dehumanization and judgment and self-righteousness. You’re right, they’re wrong. Therefore, you’re good and they’re bad.
Who are we to judge one’s worth based on their actions? Do we not all make mistakes? Does that make us a bad person? No, it means we are human. All perfectly imperfect humans.
Instead – put yourself in their shoes
What can you do when you want to go down that path of judgment and self-righteousness? Find your empathy. Put yourself in their shoes. Try to understand where that person is coming from. Allow them to be at least 10 percent right.
And if the shame is directed at yourself – take a step back and remind yourself you are not defined by your actions. Replay the situation in your mind with a different outcome. Imagine yourself responding in the way you wished you had. That simple visualization can help trigger new responses in the future.
Another strategy when you are tempted to go down the dark hole of unworthiness is to imagine yourself as a child still perfectly innocent and beautiful. What would you say to that child? How can you show kindness and empathy to yourself?
Create Positivity
The world’s negativity and chaos can trigger fear – of others, the unknown, and even ourselves. Our natural reactions to fear and change often include complaining, blaming and shaming. They do not help us manage the change or quell our fear. When we recognize their futility, we can begin to stop the cycle. It takes courage and vulnerability to face our fears and choose a different path.
Pay attention to your reactions. Awareness is the first step. Once we’re aware, we can pause and choose our response. Eliminating these three responses will naturally increase the positivity and possibility in your life. With each positive interaction you create, even more will follow.
You cannot change what is happening around you, but you can change how you respond. Instead of complain, blame and shame, let’s try to act, connect and empathize.
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