How many of you are starting to get restless? I realize I am a privileged person in this pandemic, not immediately threatened by the virus or its financial consequences. This is not meant to dismiss or otherwise ignore the incredible sacrifice and suffering that is happening in our world. All our lives have changed to varying degrees. Some of us are adjusting to more downtime as jobs are put on hold or hours cut. Others are in the opposite situation and working more and experiencing greater stress. Still others are working and parenting and teaching and doing it all from home. This is new for everyone.
Being is harder than doing
As someone who has more downtime, I find myself trying to adjust and find the gift in this forced shutdown. Two and a half years ago I took a sabbatical from my job. I couldn’t wait to do whatever I wanted. I just wanted to be.
But that was the one thing I struggled to do…to be.
This stay at home order reminds me of the first weeks and months of my sabbatical, when the reality of the radical change started settling in and unsettling me. When I realized my “freedom” meant slowing down and I had no idea how to do that.
Just being is very different than always doing.
These are the things I learned that are helping me get through this forced slow down.
- I am more than my job.
- Doing nothing is ok.
- Beating myself up gets me nowhere.
Working is a relative term
Our identity is intertwined with our jobs and our role in society. Letting go of that is hard. Even if it’s temporary, and even if it’s voluntary! I chose to be unemployed and had the finances to do so, but despite my choice the guilt and shame followed. It took months, if not the entire sabbatical, for me to see I was a whole person regardless of my job title or employment status.
Even though my business plans changed as a result of the pandemic, I am reminding myself that my life is more than my job. My worth is defined by more than the size or frequency of my paycheck. I see how I fit into the bigger picture of life, the ways I connect and contribute to other people’s well-being and I believe there are other ways I “work” that do not involve getting paid.
Doing nothing is ok
I am a doer and sitting around has never been an acceptable activity. Learning to relax and do nothing took many practice sessions and lots of positive self-talk, like “It’s ok to sit still, I promise it won’t kill you.”
Rather than beat myself up for what I’m not doing or judging what I am doing, I am enjoying the freedom to do less without feeling guilty or ashamed. I have lowered my expectations, changed the to-do list to a WANT TO DO list, and gotten rid of the judgment. Some days I am a whirling dervish of activity and other days I hunker down on the couch, in the same comfy spot where my butt fits perfectly in the natural indentation between the cushions. As the weather gets nicer, I’ll be trading couch cushions for the deck chair.
Being gentle with yourself makes a difference
This one is most important. I had never taken time off work before and in hindsight I can see I spent too much time judging what I did or did not do and lost sight of the gift of time I gave myself. We do not know how long the social distancing will last and some days I panic, realizing it could be over before I have fully enjoyed the benefits. (I will dearly miss the quiet streets and near-empty highways.)
Shifting gears is hard. Being forced to change and slow down challenges us to rethink and prioritize our lives. For me the hardest was accepting the slowness, embracing the downtime and not judging or feeling guilty. (Did I say judge again?)
No regrets this time
I’m grateful and privileged to have had a voluntary trial run at this or I’d be wringing my hands, beating my head against a wall or otherwise unproductively spending my time angry and frustrated at a forced timeout. Having learned to enjoy the freedom of a slower pace, I am more readily embracing the gift of being, more easily letting go of my pressure to do, giving myself permission to redefine work, sit still and be kind to myself.
And when I want to get all up in my face and wag a finger at myself, I try and remember what I regretted about my sabbatical. The multiple guilt trips I took that could have been better spent enjoying the present moment. And all the internal haggling about whether I was doing this the “right way.”
There is no right way to do this pandemic thing either. So instead of wasting my energy fighting and judging and finger-pointing, I’m doing my best to let it be and trust that my best is good enough.
I’m wishing everyone a no regrets, judgment-free quarantine.
THANK YOU: For those whose lives are even more hectic now as you take care of those suffering from this virus and those who are taking care of us who are sitting at home still needing food, toilet paper and toothpaste (and wine) my deepest gratitude. Thank you for your service and sacrifice. I hope you remain healthy and feel the support you so deserve from the community. And may you get a vacation when this is all over.
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