“Perhaps change only takes place when there is sufficient reason to overcome the inertia of everyday life. Challenging situations create the force needed to bring about change.”

– Michael Singer, The Surrender Experiment

I’ve been struggling with what to say amidst the global pandemic and coronavirus crisis. Not to mention to those are who are also suffering the loss of a loved one or experiencing the pain of an illness or recovering from tragic accidents or other challenging situations. I thought about abandoning this blog in search of tangible ways to help my fellow citizens. What do my reflections on the life crisis of cancer have to offer in times of widespread fear and uncertainty? What can I do from the safe distance of my couch or office chair?

I wrote most of this post before the pandemic, and I kept it in draft form afraid to publish for fear of sounding preachy, or worse, disrespectful. No one has the answers for anyone else and in no way am I suggesting I do. I just know that many people are struggling with the uncertainty and fear and grief and even anger that comes with change and life-altering situations.

Finding peace amidst the changing world around us is difficult, especially when lives are at stake. My own experience with a life-threatening illness upended my entire worldview and self-identity. I like to think that as the wind and water carve beautiful canyons, life’s challenges can reveal underlying strength and grace.

Crisis and adversity push me in new directions. Sometimes it is the only time I find the courage to take life’s leaps, forcing me over the edge, piercing my otherwise solid shield and exposing a new self that wants to be let free. My cancer journey reinforced my belief that adversity can bring out the best in us – if we open ourselves to change. It is our choice.

Letting go of control

I was living my dream life when I got sick – a house, a dog, a good job, fun friends and even a serious boyfriend (who is now my amazing husband.) Little did I know that my dream life was based on the false premise that these external factors made me happy. When cancer threatened to take all of that away from me – take my earthly life away from me – it shifted something so deep inside that I’ve struggled to find the words to describe what happened.

Completely unaware of the latent inertia in my own life, tragedy struck like a lightning bolt, jolting me out of my complacency and catapulting me to an entirely new perspective. With no guarantees, I finally found the one thing I could rely on: myself.

I saw clearly how little control I had over the world around me, but at the same time finally knew the immense power I could wield over my own life. What was happening to me on the outside did not bring me peace and happiness; I created it for myself. I chose to see life instead of death. When I made that choice, suddenly it did not matter if I lived or died; only how I saw and experienced the world around me.

Despite the diagnosis, my happiness increased. With no time to waste, I put more energy into life-giving relationships and confidently walked away from the life-sucking parts of my life. I let go of everything that was not mine in the first place.

Creating peace within

How could my mind be so clear when everything around me was falling apart? And what does it say about clarity in general? Perhaps we cannot really find clarity on smooth waters. Maybe the calm dulls our senses and lulls us into a false sense of security. Perhaps we only find true security when we’re hurtling through space out of control and the only way to find peace is to create it inside.

I know my moment of complete clarity and deep inner peace happened when I chose to ignore the chaos and doomsday scenarios around me and instead saw the light within the darkness.   

That choice did not make the fear go away nor did it stop the physical pain and mental anguish. I just did not let them take over. When I felt hope slipping through my fingers, I closed my eyes and allowed all the fear and anxiety, rage and anger, sadness and pity to rise up…until they gradually fell back down. Breathing in the reminder that I was going to be ok. Even if I died, I would be ok. But I have this moment, right now, to live.

Seeing the world differently

Stage four cancer forced me to change the way I saw the world and my place in it. It revealed an inner strength and power that I did not know before. The power to choose and the gift of letting go. When I surrendered to whatever would happen and let go of my desire to control the outcome or worry about the future, I was free.

That freedom only happened when I opened myself to a new way of being. I did not resist or fight the diagnosis or prognosis; instead I chose to accept what may lie ahead and I let no one disrupt my peace. I created it and safeguarded it. Instead of seeking others’ approval and advice and direction, I finally found my own true north.

I know this is not unique to me. Others have allowed challenging situations to uncover new dreams and buried strength. I believe we are all capable of more than we know, and sometimes it takes a storm to reveal our greatest power. In this time of change and worry may you find your well of strength and your calm within whatever storm you may be facing.

My five reminders

When life presents difficult situations, I remind myself of these simple truths:  

• This, too, shall pass. Nothing lasts forever.
• I cannot control what happens, only how I react. May I choose wisely.
• The universe is always right. Trust in the higher power.
• With each challenge is opportunity. May I see the positive within the situation.
• I must need to learn something. What is life trying to teach me?