I recently chose this as the subject for a short workshop to explore the possibility of using death, illness or other loss as a force for positive change. The participants were all professional coaches in the business of helping people maximize their potential. I wanted to test out my experience and propose a tool they could use in their life and hopefully in their work with others.
Just days before the conference I found myself at my uncle’s funeral pondering the same questions I planned to pose to my audience, and again I felt the nudge of life arising from the sorrow of death. I was grieving the loss of my uncle and the void his passing created, while remembering that someday I will make the same passage. I was already making my list of things I had to do to make my life more meaningful. The things I had to do to make sure my celebration of life was indeed a celebration.
Embracing our Mortality
I know death can be a taboo subject in our culture, something we desperately try to avoid or ignore, but I have come to believe in its power for good. Its power for change and its power to transform our here and now. This is not about loss or the grieving process, but about our own mortality. We all will die. It is the one shared experience across all human beings regardless of our backgrounds, our health, our wealth, our jobs or any other factor.
If I found that facing my own mortality was a motivating factor to make some life changes, I wondered if it could be used to help others take bold steps in their life journey? I believe in the power of our mortality to seed and sprout life if we can learn to embrace and accept it as a force for good in our lives.
Three Losses, Many Changes
The death of my cousin inspired me to tackle new challenges, clear out some toxic relationships and to seek forgiveness from those I had hurt. Three months later I faced the real possibility of my own death when I was diagnosed with stage four cancer. My diagnosis (and prognosis) freed me to say what I mean and mean what I say; to find joy in the mundane and even the pain; and most importantly to live with a sense of urgency and focus on the here and now. Losing my dear friend, my fellow stage four melanoma warrior, clarified my purpose and helped me leave my job and fulfill my bigger dreams.
Death indeed ignited life in me. Tomorrow may not come, so what shall I do with today? I try not to fear the end, but use it to live a better present.
All of these experiences were painful, filled with grief and sorrow and loss. I did not ask for these people or parts of myself to be taken away, but in each instance I found myself not just grieving but also searching and asking questions of myself and my own life. Am I living my best life? What if my funeral was today? Have I done all that I could or have I left things undone, words unspoken or gifts hidden?
Questions to Ask
I was curious to know if the questions I asked of myself could be used to help others live their best lives. Even if we’re not facing a terminal diagnosis or recent loss, could these questions help bring our focus back to the here and now – to rediscover our dreams? What if we all lived as if we only had today? What difference would that make?
Imagine your life story ending as it is currently written. Your time is up.
- What does your funeral or memorial service or your chosen ritual look like if it took place today?
- Who is in attendance?
- What are they saying?
- What are they not saying?
- Who is not in attendance?
- What does your obituary say?
- What does it not say?
- What is left undone?
- What dreams have you not fulfilled?
- What fears have you not conquered?
- What have you not said and to whom?
- What have you not given?
- What gifts have you not shared?
- Who have you not forgiven or asked forgiveness of?
I challenge you to sit with these questions and be open to the answers, even if they are not what you want to know. It’s tempting to deny our mortality and believe we have all the time in the world to fulfill our dreams. We tell ourselves, I’ll do that tomorrow or after I finish this or that. I will do that in retirement. Or worse, we deny our dreams and convince ourselves that ambitious desire doesn’t really matter because it’s too scary to try – because we may fail.
But is life about settling?
We have one precious life; we do not know how long it will be and the only certainty is in this moment.
Why wait? What holds you back from writing the life story you want written?
Feel free to share your comments or reflections. And if you’re ready to move forward but unsure what to do, I’d be happy to listen and help you get unstuck.
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