I landed my dream job days after completing my last round of intensive immunotherapy treatments. While nervous about the new position, I had just beaten stage four cancer, so taking on a big job felt like a piece of cake! And I was excited to put my energy into something other than saving my life and go back to a normal routine.
It was a fantastic job that allowed me to grow as a manager and leader. I enjoyed the work and got much satisfaction from knowing I was creating a positive environment for my team. I stepped into the role with a newfound courage and confidence as well as grand plans and a vision.
After a year of achieving most of my goals, I found myself wanting to leave. It made no sense to walk away from my dream job. Although there was that colleague who recently criticized my work; one of the few whose approval I desperately sought. I told myself to just work harder and do better. I was convinced my desire to leave was just insecurity.
Thirteen months into the position I got the first real nudge. The cancer was back – this time in my lungs. I was devastated and wondered if the stress of the job was responsible for the recurrence. Six months later my scans came back clean; the immunotherapy worked. Phew. I brushed it off as just a part of the cancer game and went back to work.
I had a love-hate relationship with my job from that point forward. If I knew then what I can clearly see now, these are the signs I missed. The signs that said I needed to leave; that my dreams had changed and so had my idea of a dream job.
Dread
On Sunday evenings I would begin to panic ruminating over the long list of to-dos that awaited me at my office. I started dreading going to work and I procrastinated more than usual. My office door was closed more than open. While the business travel was tiring, I began to cherish those hours on a plane when I could shut off my phone and ignore the hundreds of unread emails in my inbox. I couldn’t wait for the flight attendant to announce the doors closing and all electronic devices must be turned off or put on airplane mode. No one could need me; I was finally safe.
I know we all dread work from time to time – big deadlines, pressure-filled meetings or just annoying coworkers. But sometimes it is more than just normal work stress or need for a vacation. I wish I would have recognized the real reason behind my dread. It wasn’t the work or even the workload. The travel was a blessing and a curse. I was meeting and exceeding many of my goals. The dread was a deeper recognition by my subconscious that I was out of alignment. My work took so much out of me because I was operating out of a self that no longer existed. Something shifted within me and I did my best to ignore it.
Making Mistakes
In the last year of my job I made a critical error, one that at the time felt could cost me my job. I didn’t even see it coming although the signs were there from the beginning. My judgment was so clouded amidst my drive to succeed and prove myself. I focused on my goal without paying attention to how I got there or whether it was the right way to go. Normally a strict rule follower, I found myself in a position of begging for forgiveness.
There were other mistakes – smaller missteps, but the line was getting thinner every day. I found myself biting my tongue and feeling frustrated about what I couldn’t do. Looking back I can see that I was subtly pushing back on the rules. Now I realize my mistakes and missteps were more indications that I wasn’t fitting the mold anymore. Deep down I no longer wanted to follow the rules and I subconsciously bent them. Another sign that I was changing.
Escaping
When I wasn’t at work I did my best to escape and ignore the job and its pressures. Wine was a nice distraction and became a more frequent accompaniment to weeknight dinners. The weekends were spent outdoors, usually in the mountains with my husband climbing a high peak in the Rockies. I found myself obsessed with my weight, repeating unhealthy behavior patterns I learned in high school and college.
My escapes were both healthy and destructive, but the goal the same: do anything to take my mind off work and the maddening back and forth thoughts of “I love this job” and “I hate this job”. “I can do this job” or “I suck at this job.” I dove into any activity that would occupy my mind and body so as to avoid having to answer those questions. I wish one of my escapes was cleaning or yard work, but sadly my home and yard were not the beneficiaries of my madness.
It’s easy for me to see how I desperately wanted to escape the feeling and desire to walk away from a great job. The fear and anxiety of leaving my dream job was too much. I ran away from those crazy questions in all the ways I knew how to distract myself.
Health scares
When the cancer came back in my lungs I vowed (again) to never take a day for granted. I swore I would quit my job and do what I loved, whatever that was. But there was that insurance thing and remember it was my dream job. I couldn’t quit. A year later I had to repeat a mammogram and I thought I had breast cancer. The next year my PET scan showed a tumor on my ovary. Each time I blamed my job and the stress of my job and I told myself I must leave. When the ultrasound showed nothing malignant in my breast and the ovary turned out to be related to ovulation (don’t ask, I don’t get it either) I was again free to keep doing as I had been doing. Lots of bullets dodged. No changes necessary.
All of these medical issues could be just coincidence, but I do believe they were another way my intuition was trying to communicate to me that I needed to think long and hard about what I was doing because one day these flukes could be serious diagnoses. And I knew how thin that line was and how fast one can step across it.
Gut Feelings
The biggest sign I ignored was my gut feeling to leave. Underneath the dread, the mistakes, the escapes and the health scares was a feeling somewhere deep within my being that I should move on. My gut has always given me signs although I haven’t always known what they were or whether they were real. Reflecting on my life I see where and how my intuition has served me – and how ignoring her is like throwing out the address, directions and the map and deciding to travel in the opposite direction hand-cuffed and blind-folded. It’s hard to describe intuition, but when it comes to big life decisions mine always feels like an irrational urge to do something that seems completely illogical, but when I imagine myself doing it, it feels magical and right.
I missed a lot of signs because I did not want to see them and I did not want to leave my job. Yes, I was stressed and frustrated, but I thought that could all be fixed if I just worked harder and did more. Knowing my dream job was not the best fit for me felt like failure. It wasn’t until I could reconcile that my need to leave had nothing to do with my ability to do the job. I had simply changed. Life had shifted my priorities and I needed to be ok with that and embrace the change. It only took me three years to figure this out!
Questions to ask yourself:
If you’re feeling burned out or wanting to leave a job ask yourself a few questions and pay attention to the answers and from where or from who they come. It may be your intuition calling for a change.
Are you dreading your work? Do you feel overwhelmed? Or is it something bigger, something deeper?
Have you made a mistake in your job or shirked your duties in some way? What is keeping you from performing at your best? Is it a legitimate excuse or are you avoiding a larger truth?
What do you do to avoid the tasks at hand? Do you find yourself anxiously awaiting the end of the day, the end of the week? Have any bad habits gotten worse?
How is your health? Do you worry about your stress levels? Or has someone close to you expressed concern?
Do you have an urge to do something different, but it seems crazy and scary? What holds you back? How does it feel when you picture yourself accomplishing that crazy, scary thing?
It took me over three years from the first nudge to the day I handed in my resignation letter. Following my gut meant leaving behind a dream I had just begun to fulfill. Scared and nervous I took a leap and trusted the next dream would appear, and it has. I believe we all have our own answers if we have the courage to listen.
What’s the crazy, scary thing you most want to do?
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