One of the biggest problems with communication is assuming the person or people you are talking to are thinking what you are thinking. We can clearly have the subject of our comments clearly in our head. We know what we are saying. But sometimes those who hear our words or perhaps even read our words don’t know what you are thinking.
Here is an example:
Yesterday a very dear friend of mine was very upset about the “children who had been abused”. “What children?, I asked. “Don’t you read the news?”, was the response. Well, she then got specific about which children had been abused. Once she clarified which children the conversation was fine. But until she had specified which children, I had no clue to whom she was referring.
Why this is important:
First of all, I was a bit upset with my friend for getting angry with me for not knowing “the children”, and seemingly upset with me for not being up on current events. It is a current event, but not as if it happened say the day before. Why was she angry with me?
Second of all, is the bigger issue. I don’t know how many times I have been talking to someone, and I thought what I was saying was as clear as can be. Just to have the other person make a comment or a question which made it clear we were thinking two very different things. I have always bee baffled as to why they were thinking something very different.
The reason they were thinking something very different is because they were not mind readers.
Falling on deaf ears:
This is sort of like talking to someone who is hard of hearing. Have you ever talked to someone who is hard of hearing and they can’t seem to understand anything? Or have you ever tried to hear someone whose speech is hard to understand? You ask “what?”, and they repeat what they said and you still do not understand. At this point you have to ask again, or just nod and smile and hope they did not ask you a question. Both of these situations are very frustrating. This is true when someone in a conversation thinks others are mind readers. Because when you have had a conversation go sideways you have choices. Start completely over by clarifying first or giving up on the conversation all together.
Why this matters:
This leads to mixed communication and misunderstanding. It can lead to frustration and hurt feelings. My friend knows I read the news. I read the news more than she. But for a moment, just a moment, she was frustrated over my “lack of knowledge” and her need to “clarify which children”. I had temporary hurt feelings that she thought I was uninformed about current affairs. Now this was a short lived issue that was over as soon as I knew which abused children.
But take this to other scenarios. This could be an employee and his or her supervisor or boss. This could be a customer at a business. This could be a comment made just about anywhere. Think about how misinformation gets spread on social media. Think about how quickly anger flares. People start pointing fingers and calling names. And sometimes it can be over a simple misunderstanding because of poor communication.
When people are thinking two different things, things can get ugly. Has this ever happened to you: “You said xxxx”. “I did not”. “You did so”. And what happened? Quite often that sort of “communication” leads to fights between family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors etc. It can lead to people not talking to each other and not interacting well, if at all, with one another. You know what that is like. Tensions grow. It gets worse. Sometimes one person will break the ice and they clear the air by understanding what was really meant by understanding what the other person was thinking.
What to do:
If you are having a conversation with someone, make sure you understand each other. Make sure you have the information right. Don’t just smile and nod and hope they did not just ask you a question. And if someone says something you find hard to believe, get clarity. You may not be understanding them correctly.
Once I had a conversation that went sideways. The other person get very angry with me, and I had no idea why. So, I asked. She explained. I clarified what I had said, what I was thinking. In the process of clarification I said I didn’t mean “that”. And she said something that stayed with me all these years. She said, “It doesn’t matter what you say, it matters how it is interpreted.” So keep that in mind. If others are getting the wrong idea, it may be because they are not a mind reader.
Cheers!
I hope this will help you to prevent misunderstandings and relationship issues or if nothing else help you to see where communication broke down so you can keep your relationships healthy and happy.
Coach
www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach