Tag: depression

What not to say to someone with depression

If you don’t understand depression, you may have the wrong idea about it. If you don’t understand depression, and someone you know needs help, you may try to help but may end up saying the wrong things.

Depression is not just feeling down. Depression is a sense of a loss of control or uncertainty. It is not a mood. I repeat, it is not a mood. It is not made better by listening to happy music. It is not made better by doing something fun. It is not a matter of simply choosing to be in a happy mood.

Depression is an action. It meets a need. It serves a purpose. If someone with depression expresses to you what is bringing on the action of depression, one of the worst things you can say is “We all have problems.” Another wrong or not helpful thing to say is, “You just have to keep moving on.” Another thing not to say is “Get over it”.

Any of those statements above would make the person with depression feel worse. On top of that, it would make them feel stupid. They would feel stupid because they realize they don’t fit in. They are different. They would also feel that you don’t understand. If you did understand, you would not say that. Any one of those statements would very likely cut off all communication. They would not want to talk anymore because you have minimized the situation. You have minimized their issue. It would take too much energy to explain it to you.

What to do? Listen. Let them say what they have to say. This will help them to sort it out. Try to understand what it is that is missing in their life. What is uncertain? What is out of their control? When you know that, then you can help to resolve the issue. You can then help them to replace the action of depression with a better action to meet the need.

Cheers. Coach Lisa

www.facebook.com/coachLisa

Doing Depression

I want people to understand depression. Depression is something people DO.

There are four survival needs. 

Everything we do, every issue, every problem comes down to these four needs. The one I want to talk about is certainty/comfort. For, it is the need for certainty/comfort that is being met by the action of depression.

People who have some aspect in their life that is out of control they use depression to give them certainty/comfort in their life. It sounds odd. But there is a level of comfort in depression.

Depression is filling a need. Granted, it is not meeting the need on a high level, but it is meeting the need. It may be the only vehicle that some people have to meet that need. It has become a habit.

Why don’t they get help?

They don’t because for one thing, it is working for them. When it no longer works for them, they will be ready for change.  For another, certainty is very important to them. Changing, meeting that need on a higher level, is uncertainty. They don’t know what to expect.

They stay in the habit of depression because it is a comfort zone. All habits are made by us. We can break them anytime, but we need a new habit. You can’t just end a habit without a replacement.

What can be done?

There are 5 steps:

Diagnosis. Understanding what the person wants. What is the need?

Leverage. Making the link between the pain of not changing and the pleasure of changing.

Empowering Alternative. How can you meet the need with an empowering, fulfilling action.

Conditioning. This is simply practice. This is getting in the habit of the new action.

Peer Group. Having a circle of people in your life who understand or who are supportive.

I hope this brings understanding.

Cheers!

Coach www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

 

 

 

Understanding Depression.

Hey how are you? Well maybe not too well if you are reading a post about depression. But let’s see what I can do about that.

This is for those who have depression  and for those who know someone who is depressed and wants to understand better.

Bad attitude or something else?

Depression is a difficult thing. Some people think someone who is depressed just has a bad attitude. Many people think that if they would just think positively, they would be just fine. Many people think that if they just smile they would feel better. Many people think they just need to get their mind off of “it” and go have a good time it would help. Many people think people who are depressed are negative people who dwell on the hard times, and they need to see all the good in their life.

Well, some of that may be true sometimes. But depression is a complicated thing. There may be chemical imbalances that make it hard for some people to think clearly and have a tendency for depression. It could be that someone is alone and they do not know how to get past some life troubles. It could be that they made a big mistake, and are stuck in a long term jam which only time can remedy. That can be very hard to handle because they feel doomed. Sometimes things happen and people are stuck. For those of you who think no problem is not solvable, trust me, sometimes you can not get out of a problem.

Being depressed

What is it like to be depressed? It is hard. The world seems so overwhelming. You feel so alone. It is hard to think straight. You want to escape. As a dog chases it’s tail, you feel you are chasing the world. You feel you are doing all the right things, but just can’t quite get it. And you know that no one likes to be around a sad sack, and you know that you are wearing out your welcome with family and friends. That just adds fuel to the fire. Now, you feel worse.

And yet you get used to it. Sometimes people are so depressed it becomes a comfort zone. Strange as it sounds, sometimes while depressed, you actually like being depressed. That may not make any sense. Who would like to be depressed, right? Well, it is true. (There is an answer for that by the way.)

So, you may think it is an attitude problem. Maybe it is. Depression is  filling a need. So, there is a remedy. But there may be more to it also. If the depression is from a situation out of your control, then it is not easily fixed, is it? In this case, the best you can have is a shoulder to lean on. You need someone who will not leave you, and who will stand by your side to the end. Not feeling alone can do wonders. And the remedy mentioned above, can help. If your situation needs time to work itself out, the remedy can’t fix it, but it can make it more bearable.

Helping someone with depression

Do you know someone with depression? Are they driving you crazy? Do you ever just want to say “get over it”. Do you think we all have problems? Do you think I don’t want to listen to them anymore? I don’t blame you. Having someone always complain is annoying, isn’t it?

What to do? Well, please don’t walk away. Please do not turn your back on them. They are human beings who hurt. But if being with them is getting to be too much help them to get help.

If the depression is something that can be removed from their life by filling the need in a positive way, a good transformational coach can help with that and get them on a positive path.

If it is a problem that is out of their control, and something that will take time to work out, a life coach can be that shoulder to lean on, that person to hold their hand so they do not feel alone.

I understand.

I understand. I have done depression. I have experienced both types. I have experienced the depression which is filling a need in a hurtful way. I have also experienced the long term sort. I have been in situations that only time could mend.

Why am I telling you? To let you know that I understand. I have been there. Just as it sometimes take a recovering alcoholic to help an alcoholic I think the best person to help someone with depression is someone who has been there.

If you need help with depression, who can help you better someone who understands it through personal experience or someone who has not experienced it?

NEVER BE ALONE.

If you need a friend, a confidant, and you have no where else to turn find a coach. I don’t care if it is I or someone else, but don’t be alone. All coaches love to help people. There isn’t a coach out there who does not want to help others have a better life.

Want help?

Message me: Lisa at www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

I know it isn’t easy, but smile for me!

Yeah!

Lisa Y coaching