12 easy tips for change, tip 5

Introduction: I am doing a series of 12 tips that are easy to do but make a big impact on your life. These simple tips when followed will improve your life.

Tip 5:

You should like your children.

One of the benefits of having a family is you learn what is acceptable and not acceptable in the world. Families will put up with a lot from their family members. With families we learn boundaries. So, if our family thinks it is wrong, the rest of the world probably will also.

There was a time when public opinion mattered. If your behavior or the behavior of your children was obnoxious, and people would comment, it was taken as a sign that that particular behavior was unacceptable. Changes would be made to be polite. Today, if you criticize others, they very well may “give you the finger”, and tell you to mind your own business.

Since the public opinion of behavior is not valued, there is only one way to know when your actions are rude or obnoxious. This is through the response of your family. If your behavior is not acceptable to those who love you the most, it just should not be done.

If we don’t want to be around our own family in public, how do you think other people feel? If you don’t like to be around your children, others probably don’t like being around them either. Now, this could apply to anyone in the family. It could be a spouse who gets loud an obnoxious in public to the point you want to pretend to not know the person. But the point here is to discuss children.

It is the responsibility of the grownups to teach children how to be in public or at home for that matter. Just remember that if you don’t like being around them and you love them, others don’t want to be around them even more. And it is only polite and considerate to have children that are polite and considerate. If they don’t learn this as children, they will grow up to be that obnoxious adult you don’t like to be around.

Why it matters. Being obnoxious in life is filling the need for significance. But this method of feeling significant, makes it harder to fill the need for love and connection with others. Why? Because no one likes being around people who are rude and obnoxious, and that makes it harder to find those who will put up with that behavior. The response then is to be even more obnoxious in order to feel important or significant. This then starts a vicious cycle.

Cheers.

Life Coach Lisa

www.facebook.com/coachLisa

12 easy tips for change, tip 4

Introduction: I am doing a series of easy tips for an improved life. They are designed to be simple actions that make a big impact.

Tip 4:

Who were you yesterday?

When we are working on self improvement, change may seem really slow. It may seem that we are not making any progress.

A big problem many people have is comparing their self, their progress against others. Most of us have a model. We have some person we admire and want to be like. We take steps to be more like that person. We start out very enthusiastically. But it often seems that that other person has really big shoes to fill. As time passes, we get disappointed.

That person makes it look so easy. And for us, it can be very difficult. It is not impossible, but harder than we thought. Sometimes it is so hard, we quit.

What to do?

Stop comparing your self to others for one. Understand that some things are naturally a lot easier for some than others. For example, some people are natural born sales experts. I know someone who can sell anything to anyone. Me, it is really hard. I could do the exact same thing as this person, but my results would pale in comparison. People you admire are probably naturally good at what ever it is you admire in them. It will take more work and effort for you to do what they do. If it were something you do naturally well, you would not be looking at them for inspiration.

Don’t get me wrong. It is great to have a mentor. It is great to try to improve your self in some aspect of life by following their example. Learning what that mentor did and following in their footsteps is a great way for improvement. But, remember that person is naturally good at that and has been doing it a long time. You can’t be as good when you are just starting out.

Look at your own progress for two. The question here is how have you improved since just yesterday? No really, how are you better today than yesterday?

Let me give an example. I got a new home 4 years ago. The yard was a blank canvas. I had all sorts of ideas of how to make it beautiful. I’m still working on it. I get discouraged sometimes. I thought I could have it perfect in 18 months. But, it takes time. I have to think how much I have actually accomplished in 4 years. I look at the project I did a couple of months ago. When I look around the yard, there is a lot of change and improvement.

The point is to look at you and your accomplishments. You may not reach your goal in the time you expected or wanted. But as long as you make progress, you are improving. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Change can be quick. Sometimes things can happen really fast. But it can be slow too. Don’t be discouraged. Follow this tip, and you will realize you are making changes.

Here for you.

Cheers.

Coach Lisa

www.facebook.com/coachLisa

12 easy tips for change tip 3

Introduction: This is a series of easy tips for improvement. They are designed to be simple actions to make a big impact.

Tip three:

Have the right people in your life.

It is important to surround your self with people who are on the same page as you. These are people who either have the same goals or have already accomplished the goals you have for you.

When you have the right circle of friends, you have people who will encourage you. These people will inspire. They will give you a nudge. They will keep you on the right track. They won’t think you are crazy to have certain goals and dreams. They won’t try to talk you out of your dream. They will build you up.

These people have the same values as you at least in your goals. For example, if you are striving to be a successful business owner, you want to be with other people with the same goal or have met that goal. If you are with people who don’t understand that desire, they may be discouraging to you. On the other hand, people with the same goals are supportive. You feel safe talking to these people.

This does not mean that you can’t have a variety of people in your life. Different people bring different things to our lives. We share different things with different people. For example, you go to the casino with one friend, but another you will never have join you to the casino. So, keep different people around for different things. Just make sure you have some people in your life that you need for support of your goals and dreams.

OK that’s it for tip 3.

Cheers. Coach Lisa

www.facebook.com/coachLisa

12 easy tips for change tip two

Introduction: I want to do a series of easy tips for an improved life. They are designed to be simple changes that make a big impact.

Tip two:

Take care of you as you take care of others.

Are you responsible the well being of another? This could be a child or children. This could be a spouse. This could be a parent. It could be a pet. And how do you take care of this other living being?

I have two dogs. I take care of their very need. I feed them. I take care of medical issues. I brush them. I clean their teeth. I clip their nails. I hug and kiss them. I caress their heads. I comfort them when they are scared. I tell not to worry that everything will be OK. I let them know I love them.

We all need that. We all need to be taken care of with love and tenderness. We all need to be reassured. Unfortunately, not every one has that. Not every one has that sort of support. If you are one, then you need to do it for you.

You deserve to be treated that way. You deserve to feel loved. You deserve to understand that you are valuable and that you matter. You need to be told everything will be OK. You deserve to be appreciated. You deserve to be patted on the back.

If no one is in your life to do that for you, you have to do it for yourself. Appreciate you. Embrace who you are. Embrace how you are. Treat yourself to nice things. You deserve it and you matter.

As always, I am here for you. OK.

Cheers, Life Coach Lisa

www.facebook.com/coachLisa

12 easy tips for change.

Introduction:

I want to do a series of easy tips for an improved life. These are designed to be simple changes that make a big impact. There are 12 in all.

Tip One.

Stand up and hold your head up high.

How one stands and walks, their posture, is very important. When one stands up straight, with their chin up, they feel strong. They feel positive. Good posture tells the world that you believe you are somebody. You are worthy of respect.

When one stands tall, they feel significant. They feel that they matter. This in return helps people to feel worthy of being loved and accepted by others. This leads to a sense that they are worthy of having that connection with others.

When one stands tall, they have more energy. Life seems better. They get a little pep in their stride. They may just strut. They smile more. The world does not seem so heavy.

So, don’t slouch. Don’t look down. Pick up your feet. You will feel better.

Until next time then.

Cheers.

Coach Lisa

www.facebook.com/coachLisa

Big Brother’s Christie and the why of crying

Until this week I was a fan of Big Brother. But following a private spoiler group, I just could not put up with it anymore. Why? Well, the people in the group were so negative. It was so bad, I had to stop watching all together.

But they did inspire this blog which I think is very important.

One of the house guests is Christie. I like her, but people are hating her because they don’t like her tears. Many people say she has crocodile tears. They say she cries to get things her way. These same people are entertained watching her “melt down”. They think this is fun and funny.

I am here to tell you it is not.

Let me explain. All crying is done to fill the need for love and connection. It is giving love and connection to the self. So when Christie does that, she is feeling a need to comfort herself. The more she does that, the more she needs it.

These are not crocodile tears. There is no such thing as crocodile tears. All tears come from a legitimate need.

People who cry a lot are not cry babies. We all fill our basic needs in different ways. Crying is one method to fill the need for love and connection. If one does it a lot, then there is a great need for it.

So, please have compassion for people who tend to cry a lot. They are not trying to manipulate nor are they babies. And this is not entertainment.

A little more on this subject. The opposite need of love and connection is the need for significance. This is the need to feel you matter. We all have it. When one feels a lack of significance, they lean on the opposite need (love and connection) and do what they do naturally to fill that need.

This action of crying is a knee jerk action. It is done without even thinking. Therefore, it is not done to manipulate. It is done to fill the need for love and connection and to fill the gap for the sense of significance or a sense of self which is missing.

OK, that is all for today.

Cheers!

Coach Lisa, www.facebook.com/coachLisa

The Why of Shootings

So I have gone through this before, but I will go through it again. The “Why” of mass shootings is not that complicated. It is basic. There are four reasons and only four reasons for anything and everything.

THE PROBLEM:

There are four basic needs. These are what motivate us. The reason for any shooting is to fill the need for significance. This need is opposite the need for love and connection with others. Where there is a loss of connection with others, and the need for significance is great, we have violence.

The violence can take various forms. It can be a shooting, a stabbing, a fist fight, a bomb, running someone over with a car. Who knows?

The point is that when someone feels that they are being denied their need, they act out. This is the core reason for violence. It is not video games (but they probably do not help). It is not mental illness. It is not negative music (but it does not help). It is pure and simple the reaction to a sense of loss and power.

Don’t misunderstand. Wanting to feel significance is not a negative thing. I know it sounds that way, but it isn’t. We all want it. We just want it on different levels. For example, if you tell a joke, you want people to laugh, right? If they do, you get a sense of significance. You are funny. If they do not, then you feel a lack of significance. You are not funny.

The opposite need is love and connection to others. This is either being filled on a minimal level if at all. Certain people are so in desire for significance that they do not meet that need at all. Or the lack of that need being met triggers (so to speak) the violence.

Since there is a loss of connection with others, they don’t care what they do to others.

When children feel bullied or left out at school, they act out against their school mates. When people feel they are losing what is important to them, some few turn to mass shooting.

THE ANSWER:

The answer is that we need to help people, all people to feel connected. We need for them to feel they belong. We need for all to feel that they don’t have to give up what they cherish to others.

There have been a lot of changes especially in the last 20 years or so. Some have been very good. Some however, have helped others while hurting others. What most people don’t seem to understand is that when we give to others, we often take from others. You can’t always give rights to some without taking away rights from others.

Confused? Here is an example: the use of public bathrooms. Some people want bathrooms to be either for males only and for females only. But some people want to allow transgender individuals into the bathroom that responds to the gender with which they associate. So we can’t have it both ways, right? So someone loses. Someone has to not have the public bathrooms to their liking. One side wins and one side loses. See? And there are many other examples.

THE EL PASO CASE:

This is not about race and hate as much as it may seem. I guarantee it has more to do with too much loss. This has to do with a person who senses a lot of loss. They don’t have the city they used to have. There has been a lot of changes. They feel they have lost more than they have gained. They sense that they have had things taken away from them that they cherish.

It may or not be true, but what matters is this is their perception of what has happened. They perceive the loss. They feel pushed aside. They feel that society does not care about their needs. They feel that they have needs that are not being met. On top of that is a lack of connection with those who are perceived to have brought on this loss. Understand? In their mind, in their perception, if they can eliminate those who stole from them or those who received what was once theirs then the pendulum will swing back the other way. Equality will be brought back and fairness will be restored.

They are not alone. I see it everywhere. Lots and lots of people feel pushed aside. I won’t go into it here and now. But there is a great sense of loss. Many people sense that they have lost what they cherish. How they want things is either mostly gone or completely gone. It is not hopeless. It is a matter of listening to people. It is a matter of understanding people. Then come together and find the compromise. It comes down to love and connection.

I will see what can be done.

Love and connect.

Life coach Lisa

www.facebook.com/coachLisa

When not to be strong

WHEN NOT TO BE STRONG…WHAT?

There are times to not be strong. Here is my story:

I tried very hard to help someone to have their dream come true. I was selling my business. My office manager had dreamed of having this sort of business. So, I helped her to finance the purchase. BIG MISTAKE.

She and her husband made the first payments as agreed in our written agreements. But then she said it was hard to make the payments. I did not believe that, but I went along with it. BIG MISTAKE.

She said they could only make partial payments. Well, I thought that perhaps they would only want a few months to adjust their finances. I was thinking it would be a temporary situation. You know the 6 months we think will be time to figure things out? Well, that is what I was thinking it would be. WRONG!

Two years the partial payments have lasted. And now, I am in financial turmoil. You see, I have had to dip into my life’s savings in order to survive. I know it is my fault. I should not have said OK to the partial payments. But I did out of the goodness of my heart and with the thought it would probably be a 6 month sacrifice not a two year sacrifice. I was trying to BE STRONG. I was trying to  be strong for them. I was trying to help them to have time to get their finances in order.

THE LESSON FOR YOU:

Here is what I want others to learn from this. I was trying to be strong. I thought that by accepting the partial payments, I was helping them. And I was helping them, right?Their finances were gaining strength. But what I did was hurt me. I should have at some point in time, told them this is hurting me. “I can’t continue with the partial payments.”, is what I should have said say after the first 6 months. The longer I let this continue the worse the situation gets. At this point, I have virtually accepted the partial payments. Good luck now getting full payments on a note due two years ago.

The point is don’t be strong for others if it will hurt you. Don’t sacrifice your own level of living to help others. Don’t sacrifice your own peace of mind to help others. We have to look after our own well being first. There is nothing wrong with that. If you become in a situation where you are hurting yourself, don’t be strong and try to get through it by being tough. Speak up! Stand up for your rights and your needs. It’s OK.

Coach Lisa

Be a humane society


When a whole page of a newspaper is dedicated to dogs and cats needing homes, we are not a humane society. Allowing pets to breed without homes for them is wrong. Taking a pet into your home and changing your mind and getting rid of them is wrong. Not taking care of these pets or abusing them so that they are removed from a home is wrong.

There is no excuse in a civilized country to have a need for animal shelters. There should be a shortage of pets. There should be such a shortage that only the best people can have the privilege of having the loving companionship of a pet or two.

Not doing everything you need to do to keep your dog or cat safe is not OK. Having a dog run loose or a cat run loose and get hit and killed by a car is not OK. How hard is it to keep your pet safe? As long as our pets get out and are not safe, we are not a humane society. Look, I understand. Some dogs are escape artists. But you can take measures to keep them safe. If we were talking about 
children getting out and getting kidnapped, assaulted, or hit by a car and killed, you would say that it was negligence on the part of the parents. An animal’s life is not less valuable than a human life. Protect your pets as you would a child.

So, neuter your pets. Don’t breed them. Breeding pets is not a way to make a living. It is leading to a surplus of pets. It brings pain and suffering to those that don’t get a home or get a bad home. And keep your pets safe. Keep them from being harmed.

Let us be a civilized and humane society.

Coach Lisa

What not to say to someone with depression

If you don’t understand depression, you may have the wrong idea about it. If you don’t understand depression, and someone you know needs help, you may try to help but may end up saying the wrong things.

Depression is not just feeling down. Depression is a sense of a loss of control or uncertainty. It is not a mood. I repeat, it is not a mood. It is not made better by listening to happy music. It is not made better by doing something fun. It is not a matter of simply choosing to be in a happy mood.

Depression is an action. It meets a need. It serves a purpose. If someone with depression expresses to you what is bringing on the action of depression, one of the worst things you can say is “We all have problems.” Another wrong or not helpful thing to say is, “You just have to keep moving on.” Another thing not to say is “Get over it”.

Any of those statements above would make the person with depression feel worse. On top of that, it would make them feel stupid. They would feel stupid because they realize they don’t fit in. They are different. They would also feel that you don’t understand. If you did understand, you would not say that. Any one of those statements would very likely cut off all communication. They would not want to talk anymore because you have minimized the situation. You have minimized their issue. It would take too much energy to explain it to you.

What to do? Listen. Let them say what they have to say. This will help them to sort it out. Try to understand what it is that is missing in their life. What is uncertain? What is out of their control? When you know that, then you can help to resolve the issue. You can then help them to replace the action of depression with a better action to meet the need.

Cheers. Coach Lisa

www.facebook.com/coachLisa