Bullies, a new definition

I am a very passionate person. (That’s why I am a coach)

Something that really stirs me up is people who are not considerate of others. It happens a lot more than most people realize.

What really gets to me is bullying. Bullies come in all shapes and sizes.

Most people think of the school yard bullies. These are the bullies whose main tactic is to use physical force to get others to give them things or do things for them. Their demands range from lunch money to homework.

Then there is the child, or the adult, who has a tantrum either at home or in public. They want something and are being denied or have to wait for what it is they want. For a child this may be an ice cream cone or candy bar. For an adult this may be service at a business or a parking space.

There is the work place bully or bullies. You know the type. They intimidate others to make them feel so uncomfortable that they will leave their job. Why do they do that? Well, they don’t like diversity, and the person being bullied to leave is different somehow. Instead of finding a way to get along, they get rid of the one who is not like the others.

The list goes on.

I have noticed a lot in the last year or so the increase in bully activity that seems to go unnoticed. Here is a definition:

The use of force, threat, or coercion to dominate others. This can be someone with anorexia. Someone with anorexia will use food as a tool to get their way. I knew a woman who did anorexia to get what she wanted. Her parents would have offered her anything to get her to eat. This a type of bully.

It can be an alcoholic or drug user. How many people will do anything to get someone to get help to stop using a controlled substance? This drug user is a bully. They use the “promise” to stop if they get their “target” to give them money for the drug of choice they need now until they stop.

To me the worst type of bully who is well disguised. They seem like good, loving and caring people. They are the ones who stand up for the injustices of the world. This group includes, but is not limited to, some religious leaders, some politicians, some social media stars, or some heads of a large corporation. They are popular. People like them. They are charismatic. They may use their popularity to incite others. They portray themselves as one of the good guys (or gals). They convince those who admire them that they promote positive change. And, I think most of them really do have that intention. They do want to make this a better place. But they use bully tactics to get their way.

But anyone who will use intimidation in any form is a bully. Anyone who disrupts a school, work place, public place is a bully. Anyone who disrupts the peace is a bully. Anyone who discriminates is a bully. This is as simple as name calling, playing loud music, or as violent as starting fires, stealing or bombs and everything in between.

Bullies main thought: if you don’t side with us unequivocally, you’re not worthy of consideration or conversation.

This all makes me so unhappy. I can’t stand all this negativity. It has to stop.

What to do?

We need to stand up to all bullies. Just as you ignore a child having a tantrum, we need to ignore the bully tactics. Turn your back on them until they stop their intimidation.

Don’t give in even to those who use food as a tool to getting what they want. Don’t give in to those who use the promise of rehab as a tool. Don’t give in to any violence as a tool. Don’t let law breaking be a tool. Don’t give in to anything.

Then, after their negative tactics do not work, work together in positive goals.  Find mutually shared interests and benefits that can be worked on together.

This all goes back to motivation, one of the 4 survival needs we have. Once we can find the motivation of the bullies, we can meet their needs on a higher level.

Believe it or not, once a bully understands what motivates them, they will be excited to understand. Once you can show them there are alternate, peaceful methods to getting what they want, they will be eager to change. I know. It is hard to believe, but it is true. Because that is what happens when you understand why you do the things you do. But, it is important to get the bullies away from other bullies. They need to be around people with positive methods.

Funny isn’t it that bully once meant a fine fellow or friend or even a sweat heart or darling. Where did it all go wrong? 

Have a great day!

Lisa Y life coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

 

Hello? Where are you?

Greetings~

Why don’t I hear from them?

Have you ever left a voice mail, sent a letter, sent an email or some other message to someone and they don’t respond? And then you wonder why? And did you do it over and over again and still no response?

If it makes a difference to your life, like a job opportunity, a loan you need, a legal issue etc. you dwell on it. You lose sleep over it. You fret. It eats at you.

Why do you dwell?

One reason is because you can’t think of anything you did to upset them. But you search your mind for anything you may have done or anything that may be misunderstood. And, you come up blank.

One reason is because you are hurt. You are reaching out to someone you care about, love even, and they ignore you. And now you feel left out. Those old feelings you had as a child wanting to be part of the cool kid group fills your heart. What if they just don’t want anything to do with me? Why? Don’t you like me? What’s wrong with me? I’m nice. Why am I not good enough for you?

The family has turned their back on you

You have sent gifts without recognition. You sent flowers. You sent birthday cards and gifts and you did not even receive acknowledgement the gift was received. Before I continue, this is not about not getting a thank you. This is about people not even acknowledging you sent a letter or gift.

A personal example: I remembered a birthday of a child by sending $10. This child had just become my step-great niece. I have yet to meet her. I wanted to send the gift to show that even though we had not met I cared about her. And no response. Just a message on Face Book is all I wanted.

The lack of response says what?

Now you bounce back and forth. What did I do? Why don’t they like me? It is like a ping pong match in your head. Stop.

I understand it is hard.

I understand not hearing back from other people is hard. It is especially hard if you don’t know why. But you have to let it go.

It isn’t easy. It takes effort. I understand it would help to at least know why they ignore you. But they are not talking to you! Accept it! Stop chasing them. They don’t want anything to do with you. If they were, you could work things out. You could clear up any misunderstandings. I am saying this to me as much as to you.

The story with my step grand niece is just the tip of the iceberg. That happened a couple of years ago. I continued to try to reach out to all of my family. They still are not talking to me. I think I know why. It has to do with something someone else did that made waves, and they are too embarrassed to talk to me.  A story for another time. The point is if you are going through this, I am right there with you. I don’t just say I understand. I really do.

What to do?

Shrug your shoulders. Shake your head. Do your Mona Lisa smile. Remind yourself you are a good, likable and valuable person. Remind yourself of the positive relationships in your life. And hey, if these others don’t want to be part of your awesomeness (smile here) it’s their loss. Really. (Nod yes. Smile. There you go.)

Now, let it go. It’s OK. It’s OK to continue to care about these people, but stop trying to win them over. And remember, not hearing back from other people happens to everyone, even me.

If you would like to talk about your experience with this, or anything, you know where to find me. But as a reminder:

Lisa Y life coach, www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

Brain game challenge

Hey~

I want to make a brain game challenge.

Make a conversation with one other person speaking only one word at a time.

Conversation looks like this:

Person 1: Says one word.

Person 2: Continues the conversation with one word.

Repeat.

To make it more challenging use only single syllable words.

Now, get it straight. This has to be a real conversation with meaning. This is not just saying words. This is making a real conversation. One person starts this conversation, and the other keeps it going.

The Point

To exercise the brain. It is a fun challenge. It starts off hard, but once you get started it gets easier.

Make it a party game. Maybe you can have a group of people do this with everyone taking their turn.

Have fun!

Tell  me how you did.

Lisa Y coaching.

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

Love does not hurt

Hey~

Just a quick post for now.

Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true.

Loneliness hurts.

Rejection hurts.

Losing someone hurts.

Envy hurts.

Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again.

Love is the only thing that does not hurt.

May you feel loved every day.

Lisa Y. coaching

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

Patience for people with mental illness or conditons.

Hey~

So, it is time to get back to the routine. A strange feeling, isn’t it? There was all that build up, and now it is over.

I was thinking this morning about how some people don’t feel like getting together with others over the holidays. They may not go to Thanksgiving dinner. They may not go to Christmas dinner. They may not go to a New Year’s party.

One reason may be that they physically do not feel good enough to go. That may disappoint some people, but they are understanding. “Well, they don’t feel up to it.” They are forgiving.

Another reason may be that they have mental illness or a mental condition that keep them from socializing. But with them, these same people gt upset with them. They think they need to “get over it” and be part of the celebration. They are not forgiving. But, if you know someone like that, be forgiving. They really can’t help it.

Remember, everyone does the best they can.

“Alice”

She was invited to be with her sister’s in laws for Thanksgiving and Christmas. But Sally did not want to go. She mentally did not feel up to it. Her sister is neither understanding nor forgiving. She does not understand that mental conditions can be as limiting as physical. Now her sister is being rude. Her sister does not want to talk to her much. So we have some mending to do.

Why did Alice not want to go? 

Alice is very sensitive.

She is socially awkward. She is not comfortable around most anyone.

Alice dreaded the idea of driving somewhere unfamiliar especially if it meant driving home in the dark. Alice would have been preoccupied with this the whole time. It is hard to have fun if you are thinking about getting home without getting lost. So, that would be a preoccupation.

She is not working right now. So she dreaded the questions about her employment status.

And as for Christmas there is the whole gift exchange issues. She does not want to receive gifts. Because if she does not like the gift then she has to pretend she does. That is hard for Alice. Then she has to buy gifts for her sister and brother in law. She does not like to shop. So, she would have to shop which is stressful. Then, it would be stressful to have them open the gifts. She thinks they won’t like the gifts and she would feel stupid with the gifts she purchased. Then she would think that if they like the gifts, they would just be pretending to like them.

All of this because she is so sensitive. To be at peace, the answer for Alice was to stay home. She knew that her sister would be disappointed, but understanding as Alice explained how she felt.

But her sister is not understanding. Now, I don’t want to make the sister look bad. Her reaction is actually quite normal. Because she, like most, is not truly understanding about the limitations these sort of mental conditions. She took Alice not going to the family gatherings as personal. “You don’t want to be with me, us, for the holidays.”

Be forgiving and understanding

If you encounter a person like Alice, I urge you to be patient. This is a mental condition. It can’t be “healed”, but it can be helped. But when they are at a low point, they are just as limited in their actions as someone might be with back pain, or foot pain, or migraine headaches or any number of physical ailment.

Hope

Alice is not without hope. She can work on these things. Understand why you are the way you are is the first step. And Alice understands her condition now. It isn’t what she thought it was. She also knows she is not alone. Lots of other people feel the same way. Alice has joined a support group for starters.

She also understands she has limitations. We all do. We all do the best we can. Alice will be getting some “tools” to use to help her not feel so bad. She will never be the social butterfly her sister and brother in law are, but she has room for improvement.

Understand we all do our best was also a big relief.

Yeah!

Lisa Y coaching

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

Resolutions in 3 easy steps

Happy New Year!!!

So, it’s resolution time.

There is a simple approach to meeting these resolutions.

Step 1: What do you want? 

It is not to lose weight. It is not to exercise more. It is not to fall in love. It is not to have a better job. It is not anything else you may list.

These things are the vehicles to getting what you really want.

So, what do you want? What motivates you? Well, I don’t specifically know without talking to you. But I can tell you it is one of 4 survival needs.

Step 2: Make a plan.

This is finding a way to meet your goal on a higher level. If, for example, your vehicle right now is being over weight, and you want to change your vehicle to losing weight, then you make that plan on how to do that.

Part of the solution is to understanding your need. This gives you the motivation you need to change habits and break the “addiction” (bad habits) you have.

Step 3: Break big goal into smaller goals.

Let us use losing weight as a goal. Let us use 20 pounds as the magic number. Don’t start the year off thinking I want to lose 20 pounds by the end of May. OK so that is 20 pounds in 5 months. That is a goal that is not unreasonable if you break it down over 5 months, but if you think about it as 20 pounds it may be discouraging.

Break any resolution into smaller goals. Start with just 2 or 3 pounds. As you meet your goal, say “another 2 or 3 pounds” And before you know it, you will meet your goal.

Rule of thumb: Break the goal into 10 parts. So, for the losing 20 pound plan, break that 20 pounds into 2 pounds.

One day at a time: Live in the moment. Don’t think I have to do this the next 365 days. That can be discouraging. Instead, say “Today I will eat less.” or “Today I will go to the gym.” Or “Today I will ______”. Then tomorrow repeat. 

Smaller goals and meeting that goal one day at a time, make the goal more manageable. And you build momentum. You feel accomplished, unstoppable.

Slip up?

OK. Look, you may very well be changing a habit you have had for years. Just remind yourself what it is you want. What motivates you. And you will be motivated to work toward that goal today.

HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR!

Lisa Y coaching

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

Wounds Heal

A Letter to the Wounded

For most of us there will times in our lives that are difficult or hurtful in some way.
We may, for instance, have lost a loved one, be diagnosed with a serious illness, be painfully lonely and lost.
Our reactions to these events will to some extent be dependent on our individual strengths and resources.
Many people will become somewhat depressed / anxious due to the radical change in their circumstances. It is not unusual to have this adjustment reaction.
However, for many it can be severe and prolonged causing intense emotional pain and giving rise to physical and psychological symptoms.
We can become trapped in our own mental prison, in a constant cycle of negative and self depreciative thoughts which self perpetuate.
This mindset can colour all that we perceive around us.
We can feel helpless, weak and vulnerable to any intrusion from the outside world which is why many hide themselves away, both physically and emotionally.

The future may seem bleak and intimidating , the present moment may be filled with fear and dread.
At our lowest ebb, it seems life becomes a living, dark nightmare from which escape is impossible.
We lose perspective and forget what life can hold for us

Did you forget the radiant sunrise at the dawn of the day?
Did you forget the gleeful looks of your loved ones when you entered the room?
Did you forget the powerful roar of ocean waves as they are thrown ashore?
Did you forget Nature’s seasonal masterpieces?
The crystal like frost of Winter,
The gentle awakening and resurrection of the flora and fauna in Springtime.
The warm Summer sun giving rise to the fruition of Gaia herself as she manifests at her zenith.

The subtle encroachment of Autumn as the leaves colours become almost iridescent and the cool, damp chill of the morning air.

No matter how wounded we are we can still experience the wonders of our world.
We can still get excited about an impending celebration.
We can still stare in awe at the Moon in the pitch black night sky.
We can still cherish the love of other humans and animals.
We can still discover new and life changing experiences providing we are open to them.
By their very nature wounds heal.
It may take time depending on the severity but it will.
The deeper wounds may leave scars.
Scarred skin is more resilient and tougher than skin that has not been wounded.

So if you are sitting there in your darkest night of your soul, unable to see the way forward.
Rest assured that if you have patience and give yourself the opportunity, this time will pass.
You will learn from this experience as your life begins to improve.
For if ever it happens again, you will know that you can again triumph and win your life back.

Lisa Y coaching, www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

 

Peace 365

Merry Christmas!

This is a time of year where more than one religion celebrates life. We celebrate peace, love, and good will toward all. Today is a day that I am over come with the desire to wave at the cars and the people going by my house. I want to see children playing with new toys, bicycles and scooters.

My question is why does it have to end?

A Christmas Carol stopped the war for one night.

You may be familiar with the story of how during the World War I on Christmas Eve, the Christmas carol “Silent Night” stopped the fighting. Soldiers from both sides sat together. The ate together. They drank together. They sang “Silent Night” in both English and German. Then the next day, back to fighting.

OK so, I can understand that. They had a job to do. Being soldiers, they had to fight the enemy.

But what is our excuse?

Peace 365

Why can’t we be peaceful every day? Why do we, like the soldiers on that cold Christmas Eve back in 1914, feel peace in our hearts for a short time then go back to fighting? Frankly, some people just don’t want peace I guess. But that does not have to stop the rest of us.

What changes?

Why do we have so much love this month and it fades away. Now, don’t get me wrong. It does not disappear completely. We still care about others the rest of the year, but it is not the same, is it?

To me, it should me easier the rest of the year because we are not running around in so many directions. We are not getting pushed and shoved around at the mall. We are not wrapping gifts. We are not planning special dinners.

One day at a time

Here is my idea. Let us each morning get up and say to ourselves, “I will live  today as if it were Christmas, Hanukkah or any other day of peace.”

Let us try to keep the peace going. Let us not be like those soldiers all those years ago. Let us not have one big day of peace and then back to fighting.

Yes! This is a bit corny. But hey, it’s Christmas.

Peace.

Lisa Y. coaching

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

Go ahead and eat the potato chips

Hey~

Well, the holiday season is moving along. It is a time of year when we get out of our normal routines. We don’t get to the gym as much. We shop more. We have gifts to wrap. Some have lights to hang and trees to trim. And if you live where there is snow, there are snow angels and snow men or women to make. If you are creative, there may be some ginger bread houses to build. It is also the time for holiday baking.

Holiday foods.

Aside from fruit cakes, there are all sorts of cookies, pies, fudge and other treats. We have chips and dip. Now today I saw an article about how you can eat more healthy snacks with your dip. Look, I love vegetables with dip. I also love chips with dip. I say, if you want to go a little crazy and have chips with your dip go for it! Come on, it is the holiday season. I think it is the time of year when you go off your regular food.

Change in routine includes food.

You go off your normal routine. You go off your normal eating habits. The holiday eating habits should probably not be followed all year. But, it is a time of year when we treat ourselves a little. Yes, you may feel a bit bad when you get on the scale on January 2nd, but it isn’t something you can’t deal with, right?

Allow yourself to eat a little naughty. Give yourself permission. You have 6 months until summer. If you gain 10 pounds in November and December, you have 150 days to lose that. That’s nothing. When you get back normal eating and back  to the gym, you could lose all that weight in January. Don’t worry.

So, go a little crazy, and have those chips with the dip.

Yeah!

OK I have taken enough of your time. Talk to you soon.

Lisa Y life coach.

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

Capability for greatness

From the Creator:

Yes, my child I am the universe, the plants, the trees, the air and the wind. I am also you my child. If you believe, as you do, that I hold the power to create life, and all that is, then why my child would you not believe you hold the same strength within you?

I made you. I built you…..every fiber of your being I know…every hair on your head I have counted….every breath you take I know and feel.

And when the time comes that the physical human body you have been traveling in on the earth plane no longer serves you, I will also know and feel when it passes. And with great joy, welcome your spirit back to become one with me again and again.

You see my child  I am know of all that exists. I indeed know when you are feeling unworthy of the very greatness that you were created with. If you believe that I have built this magnificent machine from the blood, cells, bones, skin and stand in awe of how it works. Then why may I ask do you not believe you are capable of greatness?

I am greatness….yet you are not I ask?

How can that be?

We. You and I are two halves of a whole. How can half of the whole not be as worthy, beautiful, smart and powerful as the other half?

Why do you deny me?

The Creator of all that is to be left here as a half.

Why do you insist on carrying your burdens on your own? It is as if you are the car and I am the motor, the car does not run or move forward without a motor, correct? I see you get out and try pushing the car and it rolls a while and you quickly get in the driver seat only to come to a slow halt….again.

You sit the bewildered as you observe cars of all shapes and sizes whizzing past you honking and waving as they pass by.

WHAT? Whhhhhaaaaaatttttt……

You get out of you jalopy and try changing the tires. You only have 3 tires. Oh well, you think, 3 is better than the ones that are on the ole girl now as you again try to pull onto the highway. Only to realize the tire you did no replace is now flat.
You hang your head to cry as you just give up and lie down in the front seat of the car.

Why my child? Why?

I am right here.
I am not the “tow” truck….I am the engine of your car. I am “your” energy.

I AM YOU!

Why do you insist on driving a jalopy when I have a private jet waiting on you, all fueled up ready to take you anywhere your heart desire.

Ha..ah!

There is the answer!
Your heart!
Have you checked it recently? Go ahead. Put your hand on your heart. I will wait.
No really. Do it. Feel it. Listen to it with your hand. Listen very close. Breathe deep and listen a little longer.

Go into your mind as you are listening to your heart. I’ll bet you are being shown a happy time in your life, of you playing as a child, with a favorite dog, or a blissful time on the back of a horse.

Remember?
Yes. You remember.
The joy.
Your heart….
This….beautiful hearts desire.

This my child is the very thing that brings you back to the whole. “We” are no longer two halves now.

Stop.
Wipe the tears away.
And, feel it again.

This is where I am….in the heart. I am the engine of your car, just as your car will not run without an engine. You my child can not run without your heart. You are a God’s spark….the universal energy.

Look around. I did not create the person next to you any differently than you. Think about it. No….really think about it.

You are all energy. You are created from source energy.

What is no longer serving you today…..
Let go of it.

“It” is just a story….that’s all….just a story.

Put you hand on your heart again and listen. Let the sound of your heart fill your entire being.
Sit in its strength….and gather my power that is YOU!

All is well. Go in peace.

Lisa Y coaching

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach