Puff the Magic Dragon post 10

This was one of my favorite songs as a child. There are multiple theories about the meaning. I think my meaning is different. Here is my take:

A boy grows up and stops playing with Puff.

Puff ceases his fearless roar his head bent in sorrow green scales fell like rain.

Without his life-long friend, Puff could not be brave. The mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave.

The boy lost his innocence, child hood. He becomes an adult. As we grow older, we often let go of childhood things and life is dragging or dragin’

I think it is sad. I feel for Puff because that is how I am. He loses his one and only friend and now is alone. Puff needed the boy for strength. Without the boy he is no longer fearless and hides away.

This is what it is to be alone. Maybe I am like Puff. I am fearless and brave with others around but alone I hide. My head is bent in sorrow. And I am dragin’.

I’ve Never Been to Me Post #9

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I’ve Never Been To Me post #9

Have you heard the song “I’ve never been to me” by Charlene?

I really relate to much of it. I did not have all the good times and exciting adventures but I’ve never been to me. Below are some of the lyrics that stand out to me:

“I’ve Never Been To Me”

Hey lady, you lady
Cursing at your life
You’re a discontented mother
And a regimented wife
I’ve no doubt you dream about
The things you’ll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you

Whoooa, I’ve been to Georgia
And California and anywhere I could run…
But I ran out of places
And friendly faces
Because I had to be free

Hey, you know what paradise is
It’s a lie
A fantasy we create about people
And places as we’d like them to be
But you know what truth is
It’s that little baby you’re holding
And it’s that man you fought with this morning
The same one you’re going to make love with tonight
That’s truth, that’s love

Sometimes I’ve been to crying
For unborn children
That might have made me complete
But I, I took the sweet life
I never knew
I’d be bitter from the sweet

See, I have spent a lot of time searching for things, for happiness and I have not found it. I get that from my pop. He was the same. He had so much, but searched for something. He never found it. I have always had that desire to be free. I still do. This makes me think of another expression: Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose. I feel that is where I am headed. To a life with nothing left to lose.

Paradise just may be something we create in our head. A fantasy we create about people And places as we’d like them to be.

I do cry not only for the children I did not have (even though I never actually wanted to be pregnant) but also for the man I never had. The one to help me to get through this life. My life does not seem complete as it is. What makes it complete? The imaginary people. The imaginary spouse. The imaginary family and friends. That is how I make it complete.

I never had the sweet. I have only know the bitter.

Lose Weight Walking Post #8

This topic is a bit different. It isn’t as much about my not fitting in. It is about the frustration of losing weight. I want to lose weight. I see these ads on how to walk and lose weight. I really doubt it.

I do know someone my age,61, who told me she started walking and lost weight. Okay I believe her. But here is the deal. I used to have a job where I walked all day. I did 30,000 or more steps a day. I also had to push heavy carts around. So it was good exercise. Several months ago I started walking one hour a day. Nothing happened. Then I got a bicycle and rode an hour a day. Nothing happened. I was hoeing my yard for 1 to 1.5 hours a day and nothing happened. I cut back on food intake and nothing happened.

So I recently started walking 10,000 steps a day and I ride my bike 4 days a week for an hour. That is a considerable amount of exercise. On top of that I do weight lifting at home and sit-ups and push-ups. I have not weighed myself for weeks. Why? Because I am afraid I have either not lost or worse gained.

Time will tell. But I have my doubts. Nothing in the past has worked. And really, the number of calories I burn in walking is so minimal, according to the app, that I can’t believe that it will work.

I do meditation some. And I tell myself to stop waiting for things to get better and also to lift the weight of the world off of me. When I get brave, I will check the scale. Hopefully, all of this walking will work.

Shut the Door and Hide or Go to Sleep Post #7

I don’t deal with neighbors very well. The neighbors are good people more or less. But I really can’t deal with them. Right now they have a stray dog in the yard. It is scared and barking. It does not help that my dog encourages it to bark. So someone comes out and is all angry. “Don’t bark.”  To that, how I want to respond is to scream. Not any words. Just scream. But I know that would not be good

I am the person who likes to have her dog play and bark through the fence. I’m okay with it. But to be considerate I brought my dog in and closed the door to keep the other dog from barking. It is the considerate thing to do.

It’s too hot for the dogs to run and play anyway. But other times when I hear the neighbors say just about anything I can’t listen. I can’t because it hurts in a weird way. I can’t really explain it. I have too much empathy or sensitivity to the world.

I like having the door open as much as possible. It gives my dog the opportunity to go in and out as she pleases. But when I can’t take the neighbors anymore I go in and close it. I either hide or go to sleep to avoid.

Right now I am a nervous wreck because I don’t want the stray dog to bark. On the other side, I have to tell my dog she can’t go out and play and that breaks my heart. But life is about choices and keeping my dog in is the better choice. I hope they find the owner soon.

Noise Sensitivity Part 2 post #6

I am an empath. What that means is that I am really sensitive to the world. Even the slightest idea that someone person or animal is hurting I feel it. It can be overwhelming. It may be much ado about nothing. Actually, it probably is. But I am bothered by any noise that has even the slightest hint of pain be it mental, emotional or physical.

Let me start with people. I really don’t like listening to kids scream. I know they are normally having fun, but it still irritates. On the other side of things, I can’t listen to a baby or child cry. It could be that they are crying because they are sad or hungry or just want attention. Whatever the reason, it hurts me. I don’t know what is wrong. So, the empath I am wants the crying to end. I guess I figure if the crying has stopped, then the issue has been resolved.

I want to make a side note on crying. I cry easily. I am sure I will talk about that later. But from my life coach training, I will tell you that crying fills the basic need for love and connection. There are four basic needs. Crying is a way to fill that need by giving love and connection to the self.

Let me move on to animals. This could be animals in the wild say in the woods somewhere. But I am talking about domesticated animals. There are a lot of cats around here. Most have someone to feed them. But when I hear a cat or kitten cry my heart aches. I hope they are just being impatient with the food being handed out.

Then there are dogs. It breaks my heart to hear a dog bark or cry. Are they hurt? Are they scared? Are they alone? Whatever the case may be, I feel for them. I want to help them. At my last home, the man was not exactly abusive to his dogs, but he was not kind either. At times he would lock them in a crate for 10-12 hours a day. These were outdoor dogs, and this, to me was cruel. They would often have a blanket over their crate. It’s cruel. They could not eat or drink, or go to the bathroom. It was sometimes hot. I tried to help but the animal welfare people from the local shelter did nothing. It bothers me. It may be nothing, but to hear a dog cry breaks my heart.

Now, lets expand this just a bit. I’ve told you that neighbor noise bothers me. I worry about kids and pets. So when I hear a parent say anything to a child I think is mean, I freak out a little. The other day a young father told his child to put on a shirt and shoes, and it bothered me. I don’t know why. It did. He did not yell. It bothered me. It is hard to be me. And when I hear someone say that is a bad dog, it takes all the energy I have to not scream. They are not yelling or hitting or anything. I know my neighbors like their pets, but it bothers me to have them say bad dog. It was in a calm tone. No one hurt the dog. I guess in my mind there is the possibility someone will hurt the child or the dog, and I think that is what gets to me. It is the possibility that it may happen.

Okay, there you have my sensitivity to children and animals crying. Fun times.

Noise Sensitivity Post 5

When people think about people being sensitive to noise, they often think about veterans and post traumatic syndrome. It could be anyone who has a connection with loud noises and a bad experience. But I would say that I am sensitive to noises.

It isn’t that I want to hide when I hear loud noises. It is more that I just don’t want to hear them. I don’t like fireworks. They scare animals and people, and so they make me nervous. I guess I don’t really understand why people like them so much. It is also just the noise of things like parties.

I guess the problem is that I don’t like parties because people are having a good time. But it is still annoying. I like it really quiet. In my last house, the man was abusive. So when he played the music loudly I always thought it was to hide any abusive noise. Then I would wonder if he was hurting his wife. That was bad enough, but then I would hope he would not hurt his two dogs. I don’t think he ever did. But I would turn the television up high so as to not hear him.

I really don’t like a lot of noise, any noise. I know that it is hard to avoid noise. I live on a street with a lot of traffic. I do my best to block the sound. I focus on good sounds like birds. Then on a regular basis I can hear a train whistle. That is always soothing. I don’t know why but I think it has something about it that takes us back to simpler days.

Today, I try to keep the television off. I enjoy sitting in a quiet room. But if the neighbors are making noise. I will turn on the television and the volume is up loud to try to block out the noise. It doesn’t work too well, but it helps.

Beach Bum Post#4

I get so tired of the world. Do you? It is so draining. For me, there is so much heartache and so little pleasure in my world I really want to remove myself from the everyday life. I long so for a quiet life. I feel desperate at times about having a quiet existence. I don’t want to hear vehicles going down the street. I don’t want to hear my neighbors chatting in their yard much less listen to their music and noise. I don’t want to listen to the radio, television or internet video.

What I do want to listen to is birds and the crashing of the waves on the shore at some southern California beach. More specifically a San Diego County beach. Sure I can enjoy a quiet day in the mountains. I can enjoy the sound of a stream and the sounds of nature out in the woods. That is all good. But the beach is my top choice. Not only is the water relaxing but there is the sea air. It smells refreshing. It is often cool and crisp.

Maybe it is watching too much Baywatch. I don’t know. But the ocean is so relaxing. You can wade in the water and it washes over your feet and up to your knees. Then the tide flows out and your feet dig into the sand just a little. I would like to see what a Hawaii beach is like some day. crazy place. I would like to see Venice Beach. It sounds like a I would also like to travel along the Southern border along the Gulf and enjoy those beaches as well. The water is nice and warm.

When I was in the fourth grade, we lived in Florida right on the Gulf. Boy was that great. The water was fine and we had a boat and we would go boating around the Gulf and the International Waterway. Good times. I can myself traveling around going from one beach to the next.

I really love the idea of escaping the rest of the world. Give up the internet for the most part. And just enjoy the beach bum life. I actually imagine living in a camper and have that as a permanent home. A place to place your head when you want to rest and a place to store your essentials. A place to eat and a place to feel safe when you leave the beach. Another option is having a boat for a home. But I don’t know how well that would work. It would be great in good weather, but a winter storm may not be kind to a boat.

Maybe one day I can do this. Right now, with a dog, it would be hard. But it is on my wish list.

No Parties Post #3

I talked about the trouble I have with fun. I talked about how I don’t know how to have fun. I know that people will say you just need to lighten up. Go out and do something.

The funny thing is that in my entire life I have had very little fun. Sure when I was a child I had fun. that was the first, second and third grades. I had fun in college, but I was still sad. I know that makes no sense.

Most people go to parties and have fun. If I were to be invited to a party, I would more than likely not go. Why? Because I know I would not have fun. The last party I went to was to my half-brother’s birthday party. My family was there. But I was so awkward I wanted to leave pretty much immediately.

I tried to have fun. There was music, and I tried to dance some. But I felt self-conscious. Otherwise I spent time around a fire ring and was very chilly. I did not participate in the conversation. I had nothing to say.

Even as a child I had a tough time at parties. I would go to a birthday party and not want to play party games. I even struggled with my own birthday parties. I remember feeling not at ease and wanting it all to end so I could get back to my normal life.

The funny thing is that no matter how much I don’t like parties and feel so uncomfortable at them I still want to be invited. Well, I do and I don’t. I want people to want me to be at their party. Being asked makes me feel normal. People But at the same time, I don’t want to say no.

So that is my struggle with parties. I like being invited because it makes me feel good. I don’t say yes because I know I won’t like it and will immediately want to go home. This has been a long-term issue. If you know someone who does not like to go to parties or won’t, try to be understanding. It may be a real struggle.

Happy people post #2

Seeing other people laughing and enjoying life for most people I would think it would make them happy. Most people would smile and laugh along when others are having a good time.

For me, I get sad. I know that sounds terrible. I should be happy for them. There is a small part of me that is. But mostly I am sad. I am sad because I am left out and I don’t have happy times.

If you are a normal person, you may say so why don’t you go out and have some fun. Because I don’t know how. It may be hard to understand, but I don’t know how to have fun. I don’t know how to have a good time.

What most people do for fun either does not sound like fun to me or it sounds fun but I can’t do it by myself because that would not be fun. For me, even when I do attempt to have fun, I just don’t. I know a lot of people will say I have a bad attitude. Maybe that is a little true. But more it is that I just feel such a lack of energy that I can’t muster up the energy to have fun. It takes a lot for me to get to the point of fun. So I don’t do anything. I really have very little interest in doing things.

Then I sit around and wonder what is wrong with me. Why is it so hard for me to have a fun time? My best guess is that I don’t want to do things alone because most things are not fun alone. And I am alone. I don’t have anyone to do things with me. I think about things that I think would be fun, but it takes effort to do. I really can’t think of anything that I can do alone to have fun.

What do I do to fill the void at least a little? I imagine having fun. I come up with a scenario of something I think would be fun, and then I spend time imagining that I am doing it. I can spend all day on this. I smile. I enjoy my day. I’m not alone for my imaginary people are all a part of this fantasy.

Is that pathetic? Is that weird? Is it unhealthy? I don’t know. It works. It gives me pleasure. Without this, I really don’t know what I would do.

Sensitive Soul introduction post

Taking my blog in a new direction.

This is my life as a sensitive soul.

I want people to know what it is like to be so sensitive to the world that you don’t function. I want people to know what it is like to be so alone that you have imaginary friends and family. I want people to know what it is like to have an imaginary life that is so dysfunctional that your imaginary you has an imaginary life. I want people to know what it is like to be always frustrated.

Why would you want to read this? Sounds awful. To understand. To build compassion for another. You are curious. I may be different in some aspects like the imaginary friends. But there are so many people that are in a dysfunctional reality. You would be surprised. They don’t fit in. They have work issues. And maybe, just maybe, you can finally understand someone you never understood before. Once you understand what may be going on, you may be able to help them to function.

Read my blog and find out what it is to always be searching. Find out what it is like to be awkward all the time. Find out to always feel lost. Find out what it is to want to go back to the past or live like you did in the past because the present is so difficult to handle. What is it like to have given up almost all hope. What is it like to be in a constant stress and to never really enjoy anything.

Sure I have my good moments. I smile. I laugh. I even feel good about me. But I live my life hurting and wanting more. I long to be like others. I long to have a life. I long to function.