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The Habit of Joy

Problems are a  part of life. What makes the difference in life is how we handle them. Everyone has a go to response. Some people keep calm and accept the situation for what it is and focus on the solution.

Some people get discouraged right away. All they can think about is having this new issue they need to resolve. They may be instantly discouraged. They may be instantly frustrated. They don’t feel like dealing with a problem. They want to live in peace and this is stealing that peace.

For some, this will bring on their go to response of depression. The questions come up. How bad will it be? How long will it last? What am I to do? Why do things like this happen?

If this sounds like you, this post is for you. Problems are inescapable. If you do not go into problem solving mode too readily, it is because you lack certainty of what is happening or you feel a loss of control. You are frustrated. You feel burdened.

What to do? Make joy a habit. Wait, give me a moment. Hear me out. When you feel discouraged, frustrated, overwhelmed or any similar emotion, remember that you have gone through problems before and you can get through this as well.

Take a moment and get perspective on this. What do you want? What needs to change? What is preventing you from making the necessary actions to make the change? When you answer these questions, the solution will reveal itself. No really, it will.

When you are on your way to resolving the problem at hand, stop and make joy a habit. Be joyful for the ability to make your situation better. You warrior you! You are victorious in life.

Everything is a habit. Make joy a habit. It takes practice. At first, it takes effort. But like anything, it will get easier and easier.

Cheers!

Coach Lisa

www.facebook/com/coach-Lisa

 

Finding Peace

Many people who see others being at peace with the world think that they are doing something wrong. Why are other people so happy and I suffer? Why do I feel sad and lonely? Where is my peace?

First let us look at why you feel not at peace with yourself and the world. It has nothing to do with self-discipline or willpower. It is not a matter of having a bad attitude. It  is all about something uncertain or out of control in your life.

If you lack peace in your life, you are feeling needy. You feel left out. You have gone down a path of hardship. Your abilities seem to be irrelevant and your weaknesses dominant.

So what is the path to peace? The first step is to understand what is uncertain in your life. What do you want? What is it you want to change? What is preventing your getting that?

The answers to the above probably are not what you think. What you want is certainty in something or control over something. What you want to change is having certainty and or control. What is preventing that is the fear and uncertainty of change.  Now, answer the questions again.

When you discover the answers, you will reveal the answers. When you change your focus from the problem to the answers, you see all sorts of opportunities for improvement in your life.

This will lead to the prospects of peace and joy. You will lose the pain and find the comfort you seek. You will begin to wake up in the morning with hope and anticipation for a happy life. You will find more pleasure.

If you need help, I will gladly take you by the hand and provide gentle guidance.

Cheers.

Coach Lisa

www.facebook.com/coach-Lisa

Big Brother House Guests and You

Hello house guests.

I always wanted to say that. Move over Julie Chen.

So, I love Big Brother. I am fascinated by the people. I am also fascinated by the reaction people have to what is going on inside. Let us examine a few house guests.

Rockstar. Do you get her? I do. I understand her so much it isn’t even funny. I understand why she cries so much. I understand her feelings toward Brett. I understand her frustrations with life. Why? I have been there.

Now a lot of people would be embarrassed to admit that. I’m not. Why? Why should I? We all have different coping skills. We have different means to handle life’s hard times. What matters is conquering these low methods of dealing with life and find empowering alternatives.

If you are like Rockstar, if you want to do better and be lifted up, I can help you. Why? I understand. Been there done that and got better.

Bayleigh. Can you relate to the outburst she had at Haleigh’s house meeting? I do. I understand that so much it isn’t even funny. Why? I have been there.

Now a lot of people would be embarrassed to admit that. I’m not. Why? Why should I? We all have different coping skills. We have different means to handle life’s hard times. What matters is conquering these low methods of dealing with life and find empowering alternatives.

If you are like Bayleigh, if you want to do better and be lifted up, I can help you. Why? I understand. Been there done that and got better.

See a pattern here?

Brett and Angela. Never been these two, but I have dealt with these two types before. They are people who will do anything to get what they want. They mostly don’t care who they hurt. They rarely if ever apologize.

They let you think you are friends. Did you hear Angela’s good bye message to Bayleigh? She said something like we connected on a personal level, and I hope we can be friends on the outside. Really? Angela wants to believe that because she wants to be that way.

People like Brett and Angela know what society values and try very hard to convince people they have those values. And , sometimes they actually exhibit those values, but I don’t think they are ever 100% genuine.

If you have ever been hurt by a Brett or Angela type or have that type of person in your life and want help dealing with that type of individual, I’m your coach.

Everyone else. So,I don’t have the time and space to discuss everyone. I do have thoughts on everyone else. So, if you relate to one of the other house guests or if you have one of the other house guests in your life, and want to either learn to be empowered or deal with a certain personality, let me know.

Cheers!

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

Being nice and popularity

So someone said to me the other day regarding people not liking her, “I’m nice”. She could not understand why people don’t like her because she is nice.

I understand the frustration. I go through that too. I do nice things and it seems no one cares. It is baffling.

The reverse can also be true.  Some people who are not nice can have a lot of friends.

That is really frustrating. I know people who are down right mean, but have a lot of friends.

Now don’t get this wrong. Some people do have a lot of friends and are nice at the same time. But they don’t have popularity because they are nice. It is all about personality.

Summary: Being nice does not mean that people will  like you and just because some people have a lot of friends it isn’t necessarily because they are nice.  

Popularity has more to do with personality than being nice.

 Issue One: You are nice and have few friends.

So, if you are nice and have a hard time making friends, what do you do? Well, if you don’t have a lot of charisma, it takes a little more effort.

I suggest you think about something you really enjoy when you interact with others. What makes you come alive? If you are thinking about that, you will be more relaxed and that makes people more charismatic.

I also suggest what I call the Mona Lisa smile. You place the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth. I know it sounds strange, but it actually works to make you feel happier and joyful and that will give you a bit more charisma.

Issue Two: Popular people may not be as nice as you think.

As I said before, some popular people are genuinely nice. But some may not be nice. Get to know people before you trust them based on their popularity.

Some people know how to get people to like them. They know just the right thing to say and do to get you to trust them and like them. Then they manipulate others. It may be nothing much or it could be something that turns your life upside down.

I trusted the wrong people a time or two. And my life got messed up and it took a lot of work to make it better. I thought they were nice because they were so personable. So, be careful.

Take care!

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

Day of Humility

August 4 2018

This is the National Day of Humility.

This concept was started by Abraham Lincoln. I think it is time to make this popular again. Maybe just maybe we should do it every month.

For all people of faith, no matter your religion, we have a belief in God or higher power what ever you call it.

A ProclamationWhereas the Senate of the United States, devoutly recognizing the supreme authority and just government of Almighty God in all the affairs of men and of nations, has by a resolution requested the President to designate and set apart a day for national prayer and humiliation; and

Whereas it is the duty of nations as well as of men to own their dependence upon the overruling power of God, to confess their sins and transgressions in humble sorrow, yet with assured hope that genuine repentance will lead to mercy and pardon, and to recognize the sublime truth, announced in the Holy Scriptures and proven by all history, that those nations only are blessed whose God is the Lord;

And, insomuch as we know that by His divine law nations, like individuals, are subjected to punishments and chastisements in this world, may we not justly fear that the awful calamity of civil war which now desolates the land may be but a punishment inflicted upon us for our presumptuous sins, to the needful end of our national reformation as a whole people? We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of Heaven; we have been preserved these many years in peace and prosperity; we have grown in numbers, wealth, and power as no other nation has ever grown. But we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us, and we have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God that made us.

It behooves us, then, to humble ourselves before the offended Power, to confess our national sins, and to pray for clemency and forgiveness.

Now, therefore, in compliance with the request, and fully concurring in the views of the Senate, I do by this my proclamation designate and set apart Thursday, the 30th day of April, 1863, as a day of national humiliation, fasting, and prayer. And I do hereby request all the people to abstain on that day from their ordinary secular pursuits, and to unite at their several places of public worship and their respective homes in keeping the day holy to the Lord and devoted to the humble discharge of the religious duties proper to that solemn occasion.

All this being done in sincerity and truth, let us then rest humbly in the hope authorized by the divine teachings that the united cry of the nation will be heard on high and answered with blessings no less than the pardon of our national sins and the restoration of our now divided and suffering country to its former happy condition of unity and peace. In witness whereof I have hereunto set my hand and caused the seal of the United States to be affixed.

Done at the city of Washington, this 30th day of March, A. D. 1863, and of the Independence of the United States the eighty-seventh.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

I urge all who believe in a higher power, “God” or what ever you call it let us together take August 4th as a Day of Humility.

Coach

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Doing Depression

I want people to understand depression. Depression is something people DO.

There are four survival needs. 

Everything we do, every issue, every problem comes down to these four needs. The one I want to talk about is certainty/comfort. For, it is the need for certainty/comfort that is being met by the action of depression.

People who have some aspect in their life that is out of control they use depression to give them certainty/comfort in their life. It sounds odd. But there is a level of comfort in depression.

Depression is filling a need. Granted, it is not meeting the need on a high level, but it is meeting the need. It may be the only vehicle that some people have to meet that need. It has become a habit.

Why don’t they get help?

They don’t because for one thing, it is working for them. When it no longer works for them, they will be ready for change.  For another, certainty is very important to them. Changing, meeting that need on a higher level, is uncertainty. They don’t know what to expect.

They stay in the habit of depression because it is a comfort zone. All habits are made by us. We can break them anytime, but we need a new habit. You can’t just end a habit without a replacement.

What can be done?

There are 5 steps:

Diagnosis. Understanding what the person wants. What is the need?

Leverage. Making the link between the pain of not changing and the pleasure of changing.

Empowering Alternative. How can you meet the need with an empowering, fulfilling action.

Conditioning. This is simply practice. This is getting in the habit of the new action.

Peer Group. Having a circle of people in your life who understand or who are supportive.

I hope this brings understanding.

Cheers!

Coach www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

 

 

 

Kate Spade and what was missing

I know this is a little late. But I feel compelled to post about this. As a person who has done depressed, I understand this subject. I know what people who do depressed are going through. So here are my thoughts.

So, Kate Spade on the surface of things seemed to have it all, right? She built a great business. She had a husband, though separated, and a daughter. Even though she and her husband were separated, according to him they were still close.  She was pretty and nothing about medical issues except for depression.

Summary: Pretty, seemed happy,  in good health, had a loving husband and daughter, built a billion dollar business.  She had seen a therapist for years. She was on medication.  Committed suicide.

This can be very baffling to many people. This is not the person who one would think would commit suicide. Actually, most people would think she would be one of the last people to commit suicide.

So, she had so much going for her. But something was missing.

What was missing? 

Understanding. No one understood.

I would guess that her therapist did not understand. I am sure the therapist listened. I am sure the therapist was well trained. I am sure the therapist cared. You can’t be a therapist without caring as it is very draining, but some of us do it because it is a calling.

I would guess that her husband and daughter did not understand. They certainly loved her and cared about her. But I don’t have any reason to believe that they understood.

Other family, friends, neighbors, any acquaintances did not understand.

I understand.  I don’t understand suicide, but I do understand depression.

Many people who knew her probably say, well I knew she was depressed. I knew she was in therapy. So, this is a big shock. They may say I had no idea that she was this bad. She never said anything. There were no signs.

Signs.

There were probably lots of signs. People who do depressed make all sorts of signs. It can be a comment here and a  comment there. Maybe it is in person. Maybe it is on social media like Facebook. They make a comment that makes you pause. It sounds off. But you dismiss it. It’s normal. You really think the person is just having a bad moment. Your friend or loved one wouldn’t hurt themselves.

Another thing that is missing is response to cries for help. 

These comments are cries for help. I know someone who has made numerous comments on Facebook. She does this for understanding, compassion. LISTEN to me. And nothing there is no response. And it becomes amusing to her in a way. She puts put numerous cries out for help and gets NOTHING… nothing. Why? Why is there no response?

Sometimes they get annoying, right?

When someone seems to have a “bad” attitude all the time looking at the negative side of things all the time, it is really annoying. You don’t want to deal with that negative energy. You may think, I care about you, but I can’t deal with your negative energy. Hey, that is understandable. People who are sad or negative all the time are draining.

Do depression: So, you may be wondering why I say DO depression rather than ARE depressed. Well, depression is something people do. There are 4 survival needs. One is certainty. Depression, though possibly made worse through chemical imbalances, is brought on by the lack of certainty. There is some loss of control in their life. Suicide goes hand in hand with apathy. That feeling of I don’t care builds up. Apathy is a form of control that thing that is missing. It is one’s decision to do apathy. And apathy builds up until it leads to suicide.

Depression is a comforting thing for some people. This is something even the most educated and trained therapist may not truly understand. It takes having done depression to really understand.

One can’t get out of depression until it stops working for them. It fills a need. It is a habit that needs to be broken, and replaced by something else. They need an empowering alternative. This is something that will meet this need on a higher level. And part of this is creating stronger love and connection with others. This includes sharing/intimacy and bonding/oneness with others.

Summary: What people like Kate Spade need.

Understanding. They need to be talking to someone who understands.

Response. They need someone to respond to those “negative” comments and that “negative” attitude.

Empowering Alternative. Something to do instead of depression.

What can you do?

Well, you can’t understand unless you have “been there”. You can pay attention. Those odd comments, that negative attitude they are cries for help. Respond at least enough to let them know you are listening. And lead them to the right therapist or counselor for them. And be there for support. Encourage them in their effort to change that bad habit and fill their life with some empowering alternative.

Cheers!

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are you a dog or a cat?

I think both dogs and cats have good qualities. But which personality is better in life?

Cats. Cats are cool. It takes a lot to stir up a cat and make him concerned about anything. They are daring and bold. Cats have nerves of steel. Have you ever seen the video of a cat being sniffed by a bear? If not, where have you been?

They are unapologetic. Have you ever seen a cat look at a person look at something they are not supposed to touch and then they look back at the person and then they swipe the vase or glass or what ever and knock it onto the floor? They do it all the time. They will knock a plant down and make a mess. Then, they stare at it and look at you with this look as if to say “yes I knocked it down and made a  mess and what are you going to do about it?”.

They will steal a dog’s bed, and ignore all attempts the dog may make to get it back. If the dog is lucky, they will share the bed if there is space.

And those claws of theirs are dangerous. It may not seem like much, but anyone who has ever been on the wrong end of the claws knows what I mean.

It isn’t to say that they are not loving. Now, they sometimes pretend to be loving. That is when they rub up on your leg and purr. That is not always love. Normally, that is cat language for “feed me human.” But they are loving. When you get in your favorite chair in the evening and they join you, and then you don’t want to get up no matter how much you need to go to the bathroom. And if you sleep with your cat you get those little love pats. Aww. Right?

In summary about cats, they do as they please, get what they want, are not easily intimidated, are unapologetic and when they want affection you can’t refuse.

Dogs. Dogs are pack animals. You are your dog’s pack. As such, they want to be with all the time. Well, at the very least they want you to be within ear shot of you. They want to know where you are. Some dogs are always at your side, and some are happy just knowing you are near if they need or want you.

Most dogs are not as brave as they seem. Contrary to popular belief most dogs would rather flee than fight. That is why being on a leash can be a problem in certain situations. If threatened while on a leash, there is nothing more most dogs would want to do than get off that leash and run home.

Dogs are faithful. They will stick with you no matter what.

Now, if your dog does something you don’t like, they will act guilty. They know you did not like what they did and give you those “I’m sorry” eyes. They are not really sorry. They don’t have that concept. But a dog knows it will be helpful if they at least seem apologetic.

When a dog comes up to you and gives affection, they mean it every time. One of my dogs licks my feet at night in the summer to show love. When I feel sad, they come to me. My girl will put her butt in my face. Her thinking is that if I rub her back or tummy I will feel better. It makes me laugh, and that makes me feel better. So, I guess it works after all.

In summary, dogs are lovers not fighters at heart. They only fight when fleeing is not possible. They are family oriented. They care about your feelings. They are faithful companions.

Cat or dog? Which are you? What qualities are most helpful in society?

I am more of a dog. I am more of a lover than a fighter. I would rather handle things quietly and peacefully. I bark a lot. I do act, but it makes me nervous sometimes. I am not a cat who seemingly is not concerned with the consequences of my actions. I am a faithful friend.

But sometimes I wish I were more of a cat. I wish I could do as I please and not always be concerned about what others may think. I want to be cool under pressure.  When I want something, I would like to be able to know how to go for it and get what I want when I want it.

What qualities are best in society? I think different qualities are good for different situations.

Be cool like a cat under stressful situations. Sit back and relax. Observe. What is the situation at hand? Do not over react. If you want something, don’t be intimidated to go for it. When you make a mistake, own up to it. Be like the cat who knocks the plant off the shelf and makes a mess on the carpet. We all make mistakes. Don’t hide. Most of the time a mistake can be fixed. Like a cat, be conservative on who you love. Don’t give it away to just anyone. Give your true affections to those you love when you feel like it.

Make a pack like a dog. Surround yourself with a support system. Have people in your life you can always turn to. Different people offer different things. Be faithful. As long as it legal and moral, stand with your pack members no matter what. When you hurt others, be sorry. Even if you did nothing wrong, (you made a mistake or something happened which was out of your control) say you are sorry your actions made them feel bad or harmed them in any way. If you want something, don’t let others block you. Go for what you want. And when you feel bad don’t be afraid to ask for a back or belly rub and don’t take no for an answer.

Cheers!

Coach.

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

Child to Adult

Your relationship with people changes over time. When you are a child, you have one relationship with people.  When you become an adult, you have a different relationship.

This can be the parent-child relationship, aunt/uncle and niece/nephew relationship, best friends relationship, your parent’s friends and you relationship to name some options.

As an adult, I have  connected with different people from my past. I have connected with people who were friend’s of my parents, my child hood friends, and then there are relationships with nephews and aunts and uncles.

You see each other differently.

When people are children, there is one level of relationship. When children grow up, there is a different relationship. Even between childhood friends things change as we become adults.

Childhood friends change physically. It is strange for me to see that childhood friend of mine now with facial hair and a slight beer belly. These people now have children and some grand children. They have careers and own their own homes. These are my childhood friends. I still think of them as people with whom I went bike riding, played marbles, and rode with on a school bus.

Adults you admired when you were a child now look at you as someone who is to be respected for your knowledge. You become on more level ground. To me, not completely level as I still think those who are older have life experiences which should not be ignored. And as the child who grew up you see them differently. You see the depth of their personality. It is almost like meeting someone new. These people are no longer Mr. and Mrs. so and so. Now you are on a first name basis.

The point is? There is no point really. These are just observations. You were expecting a point? I guess if I were to make a point it would be this. Children grow up. And when they do relationships change. I find it fascinating.

What fascinates you about becoming an adult? Let me know.

Cheers!

coach

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Reading Between the Lines

I find it interesting when you talk to people or when I make a post that people read or hear something more than what you said.

I don’t purposely say things so that people have to “read between the lines”. I am usually rather direct in what I say. I think people interpret things a certain way. Word that are plain, poetry, prose are up to interpretation. People interpret words the same way they put their own meaning into art, photography or music.

If by some chance you get a certain meaning from words, mine or someone else’s, then that is because they hit a nerve. They mean something to you. You get the message “between the lines”.

It is sort of like when you are out in public and people look in your direction and laugh. Has that ever happened to you? It has to me. And my first thought is they are laughing at me. And chances are they don’t even notice me. You know that right, don’t you?  People don’t really notice us as much as we think they do. We just feel self-conscious sometimes and think people are noticing us. Anyway, chances are those people you think are laughing at you are laughing at something else. Either someone behind you or something else then they happen to look in your direction while laughing at that something else.

The point is if I or anyone says something and you get some secret hidden meaning that may be your interpretation. That is not necessarily a bad thing. But it is important to think about what you got out of that. That message is important for you to have. The hidden words are speaking to you. They are unintentionally saying what you need to hear. But if you think someone is telling you something in a less direct way, and you don’t like the meaning you read into the words get clarity.

I know from experience this is important. I don’t always know what someone else is saying. If you don’t ask the unanswered questions will drive you crazy.

So, go ahead and read between the lines. If you get something from the words unspoken or unwritten, know that the message is real and will be helpful.

Cheers!

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach