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When you don’t have friends

Do you have friends you can count on?

Sometimes there is no one to turn to when you are in need. There are several reasons for this.

It is embarrassing. Sometimes people have something going on in their life and they are embarrassed. They may feel they are weird. Who does that? They may feel stupid because they don’t understand the situation. They feel no one else will understand or others will judge.

It is shameful. They think their situation is a disgrace. They feel less than others. They feel less than others. Who could do that? How did I get this way? How did it happen? Again, they don’t want to talk to friends about it because of the fear of judgment.

It is long term. People have heard about this for so long they are tired of listening. They think you are nothing but a complainer. They want you to get over it already. Move on is the answer, but for you that is easier said than done.

You are private. Some people for whatever reason just don’t like to talk to other people. They keep their business to themselves.

You have few friends.  Some people have very few friends. They are shy. They don’t socialize. They lack a support system.

Whatever the reason may be if you have something eating at you and you have no friends to help you, you know you can count on me.

If feel you can’t reach out to the people in your life or if you have and get no response, please don’t be alone. When people try to deal with things on their own, the issue seems a lot worse than it really is. Other people have a way of looking at things in a brighter way. Sure, things may not be 100%, but they are probably not as bad as you think. And talking about it really helps a lot. Sometimes it takes a simple conversation to clear your head. The next conversation, you come up with a plan. The next few conversations you put the plan to turn things around into motion and adjust the plan to fix any bugs in the plan.

Like all coaches I have a great deal of empathy. Frankly, I have done things that are embarrassing, things that I felt ashamed of, and have had long term issues in my life. Who hasn’t? I have felt weird. I have, at times, wondered if I am the only human being to feel *this* way. Who hasn’t? You have no idea what I have experienced. And experience is a great teacher. I really doubt there is anything you could tell me that would have me think you are a bad person. You don’t know the people in my life who most people would think bad things about, but who I still love, admire and respect.

So, don’t be alone. If you don’t have friends you can reach out to, if you need to talk, find a coach. A nice thing about coaches is that they don’t know you so they do not pre-judge. They don’t know anything about you. That makes them very open to you and thoughts.  I would love to be your coach. But if not me, find a coach. Just don’t be alone.

Take care!

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach.

 

 

 

Big Brother and You

I love Big Brother. As a coach, I am fascinated by how people play. I love watching the interaction between players. Some people say it is only a game, but I disagree. Big Brother is life. These people represent us. They represent the good, the bad and everything in between. Although we are not competing for $500,000, we all have desires to get ahead. We all have alliances. We all trust the wrong people. We all know better then don’t listen to our gut, intuition. We want to fit in. There are leaders, and there are followers.

Just like in life when we look at someone else’s life we can clearly see what people are doing right in their life and what they are doing wrong. We have a harder time looking at our own life. We can’t easily see when we are trusting the wrong person. We can’t see when we did not try hard enough. We can’t see when we are going down the wrong path. We can’t see when we are going down the right path. We can’t see how we are hurting others or when we are being unfair and judgmental and rush to the wrong conclusions.

The biggest thing to me about Big Brother is our reaction to the players. What most people do not understand is their strong feeling about a player is that strong feeling relates to them. If you really like or don’t like someone, why is that? The reason is that it represents something in you.

If you see someone be a bully and you hate that, then you have either been bullied or you bully people too. Now, I am not talking about the bully who steals someone’s lunch money. I am talking about the bully who does any sort of annoying action to manipulate others.  If you see someone be a bully and you think they are entertaining, what does that mean? Well, you like to be in control of a situation. You like to manipulate others.

What if you have strong feelings when you see a player cry? If it turns you off, it could be that you are too sensitive. Maybe you cry easily and don’t like that about you. If you feel for that person, maybe you were hurt a lot growing up and others made you cry. You know how that person feels. If you think it is funny, well, maybe you feel crying is a weakness and you know you are stronger than that.

What if a player seems to have everything go his/her way? Does that make you feel envious? Does it make you think life is unfair? Does it make you wonder why some people seem to win and win? Do you think some people get all the breaks? Or do you cheer that person on because you can relate? You think that person knows what he/she wants and they go for. That person is not a freeloader. They are a player.

Learn something about you.

Watching Big Brother is fun! It is entertainment. It is filled with twists and turns. It is also a great opportunity to learn something about you. When you love/hate a player, wonder why. Wonder what that player represents in you. Big Brother is a great mirror. What do you see in the reflection?

And pay attention to the comments. If you see a comment with an opposite view point than you, wonder why. Wonder how they can see things so differently. Why? Because a different point of view is directed toward you. They might as well be talking to you directly. It can be very beneficial.

Want to make a change?

I hope that watching Big Brother will help you to know you better. If you find some emotions disturbing, that is normal and healthy. It says you are open to meeting your needs as a person on a different, higher level. It also means you know what characteristics you would like to emphasize and which ones you would like to down size.

There aren’t any good or bad characteristics. No matter what you discover about you this summer watching Big Brother, you simply learn what works and what does not work for you. Maybe there are some things to change so you can be the person you want to be.

Need help? You know where to find me.

Cheers!

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

Are you being true to yourself?

Are you being true to yourself?

When we let our values slide, we are not being true to ourselves. We are not valuing our own self. How? Well, we are minimizing our own value. We are short changing ourselves. We are not living up to the full potential of who we are a person.

What are your values? 

You have some general idea no doubt of the person you are. But can you really define your values. Before you can be true to your self you need to have a refresher course on what your values are.

Make a list of three things in each of the following topics:

Family. Friends. Health. Romantic relationships.  Sex. Spirituality. Work.

Are you being true to them?

It isn’t always easy to stick up to your values. Sometimes sticking up to your values goes against the the crowd. Sometimes sticking up to your values takes a lot of time and energy. Sometimes we just get so wrapped up in every day life we forget what our  values are.

When we are not true to out values, we get nervous. We feel out of sorts. We feel we are not living life to its true potential. We feel something is missing.

Living up to your values helps the world.

When we are our best selves, that ripples through society as a whole. It used to be said that when we help others we help ourselves. But that is old school. The new awareness is that by being better people we help others.  By living our values, we are better people. As better people, our actions put into the world that goodness. And it spreads.

By living up to our standards, we raise the standards and values of mankind.

We don’t improve mankind by yelling at one another. We don’t improve mankind by protests. We don’t improve mankind by putting others down. We do it by building up our goodness, and let it catch on. And it will.

Are you being true to yourself?

Sometimes looking at oneself is hard. We are afraid to see our short comings. We don’t want to see where we are failing ourselves.

But… if done right, it is actually invigorating. It is exciting. When I do it, I get those *aha* moments and I know what is dragging me down. I can see what is getting in my way of happiness and peace. Look, we all need to do this. I encourage you to take the time to write down the three things of each category above. What is it you are doing well, and what needs work?

And maybe do this with a trusted friend. Sometimes we need someone who can point out what we are be honest with ourselves and what we are not being honest and true about ourselves.

And if you find out you are not perfect, don’t worry. No one is.

Peace!

Coach.

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Why don’t you do the things you should?

Are you like me? Do you look around the house and yard and see all the things you should do, but then just sigh and think *later*? And then one moment you just have to stop everything to take care of that?

Why does later normally seem better? Well, sometimes now is inconvenient. Maybe you are already busy with something else. And when you do *that* later are you avoiding doing something else? That thing you put off for later is now the lesser of two tasks you don’t want to do, but you feel you should do something. Am I right?

Well, life is like that isn’t it? Most of us spend a good part of our lives trying to figure out what to do. We don’t feel we are living life to the fullest. We don’t feel fulfilled. Something seems to be missing. But what?

For some the answer may be clear. Maybe it is a person with whom you share your life. Maybe it is a career that is rewarding to you. Maybe it is having children. Maybe it is a giant structure made entirely out of your favorite chocolate, a lake of your favorite alcohol, or a pot of gold.

For some the answer is not so clear. Maybe your life is empty, and you don’t know why. You just have that empty feeling.

Life is not about figuring out what to do. You already know in your heart what you *should* be doing to fill that gap in your life.

The challenge is doing it. 

So, why do we not do *it* ? Because, not doing it is serving a purpose. You are meeting one of your survival needs by not doing it. Right now, you don’t really want to do it. And you don’t need to do it.

When you really want or need anything, you find a way. You find out how. You find the time. You find the energy. You are naturally motivated.  When not doing it is no longer working for you, you will do it.

Sooner rather than later.

So, what is keeping you from doing it now? If you really feel in a rut, you need to understand why you are stuck in a rut. How do you do that? By asking the questions to reveal your motivators, inner drive. What motivates you and why? What purpose is this rut filling in your life?

Frankly, if you you are alone, that is filling a need. If your work sucks, it is filling a need. If your life feels empty, that is filling a need. When your situation is no longer filling that need, then you will act to transform your life to a higher level.

So, what will it be? Will you wait until your current situation plays out and your current situation stops working for you? Or will you start asking the questions about why your life is the way it is and what can turn it around?

Look, you are not a bad person if you just sit there and do nothing. You don’t *have to* do anything. But if you want to do something, then start. Give yourself permission to meet your needs on a higher level.

Cheers!

Coach

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A post life lesson from Big Brother

So, I am a big fan of Big Brother. I was thinking this morning about how decisions are made to evict based sometimes on false ideas. There are rumors that simply are not true and yet they get people evicted.

Take Ramses for example. Paul said last night that part of his wanting Ramses out was because he took the $25,000 temptation. BUT Ramses did not take the $25,000. Kevin did, and if I am not mistaken, Kevin started the rumor.

So, some day when the game is all over Paul will find out that a big reason he wanted Ramses out is because of the $25,000 he never took. And Kevin already knows that his lie about Ramses was a big reason for Ramses getting evicted.

Two questions:

 Question one: Does Kevin currently feel at least a little bad that his two actions, taking the temptation and starting the false rumor,  hurt someone, Ramses, else? Not only that, but taking that temptation also hurt the house by bringing Paul into the house decreasing their chance of winning. And also directly hurt one more person, Cameron, being evicted.

Question two: Will Paul in the future when the truth is revealed feel bad that Ramses was evicted on a false rumor and that the real culprit, Kevin was his little puppet?

Look, I know this is a game. Paul had other reasons to want Ramses evicted. I also know that lying is part, a large part, of the game. So, Kevin did what he felt he had to do to take the focus off him. He, in his own words, “played the game”. But still he wants to get together with Ramses for Thanksgiving.

I would like to know if Ramses will forgive Kevin.

The lesson

After the end of the game:

Paul will find out that Kevin took the temptation.

Ramses will know that Kevin took the temptation and lied about it and that played a big part in his eviction.

Everyone will learn that Kevin, who is a real snake they all seem to trust, took the temptation that brought Paul back into the game and his lie got Ramses evicted.

How will Paul and Kevin and anyone else feel about how they treated Ramses?

Your life and your ways:

If you knew that after you died, you were to meet all the people and animals that were in your life, and you had to feel the pain you caused, would you change your ways? Or would you meet them with a clear conscious?

The Jury

In Big Brother, there is a jury at the end who decides the winner. What do you think Ramses would say to Paul? To Kevin? Would he vote to have either one win? Paul believed someone he trusted, but Kevin started a false rumor.

What if this happened in your life? What is it was not God who judged, but those who were in your life and died before you? What if they were your jury, and they determined whether or not you got to go to Heaven? Would you treat them the same now or not?

FOR THE RECORD: I do not think we get judged like this or in any way after we die. This is just for illustration purposes. It is for thought provoking purposes only. 

But if you want to know what I think you may ask me. You know where to find me. 

Let us treat others, people and animals, with all the love and compassion we have here and now. Let us not treat them in such a manner now that would make us not want to see them after we die.

Peace.

Coach

www.faceook.com/lisaylifecoach

Appreciate your haves and have nots.

We realize the importance of our voices only when we are silenced.

Malala Yousafzai

Isn’t that the way it is with most things? We take so many things for granted. I like to think that most people realize how blessed they really are.

I am reminded of a man I knew in college who had kidney disease. After he got a transplant, he said to me, “You don’t know how sick you are until you are better.”

In the same sense, would it take losing it all to appreciate all the good you have?  If you lost it all, would you say, ” I didn’t know how good it was until I lost it all.”?

There are the haves to appreciate and then there are the have nots to appreciate.

The haves in your life.

Sometimes I think we have to look at the silver lining. Sure there is dirt on the kitchen floor, but you have a kitchen floor to get dirty. Sure, the car needs cleaning, but you have a car. Sure the dishes need cleaning, but you had food to place upon those dishes. You get the idea.

The have nots in your life. 

Now turn it around. What are the issues you don’t have (I hope)? Maybe it is all your possessions in your car. Maybe it is the lack of food in the pantry or the fridge. Maybe it is a child with a deformed lip. You get the idea.

My challenge to you today is to look around and see what hidden treasures you truly have. How many can you find? Now, how many things do you not have in your life?

I hope this little exercise will make your day. I hope it makes you feel great with all that you have and don’t have. Appreciate your haves and have nots. 

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

Talent or luck?

Have you ever noticed that some people seem so charmed? It seems that no matter what they want they get it? I know a couple of people like that. Between you and me, it makes me a little sick. Life has always been hard for me. I have had to struggle very hard for every little accomplishment.

Talent or luck?

So are these people very talented or lucky? I think a little of both. There are a lot of talented people out there. They are competing for the same thing. Some will do better than others. I think that it takes a bit of good luck to be the one to rise up from the masses of talented people and be the one who goes farther and does better.

Think about this. Mary Higgins Clark is a very talented author. She is very successful. But, her first book was rejected many times before being accepted and published. So, was is talent or luck? Well, she is very talented. If she were very lucky, her book would have been accepted the first time. It took a lot of work to get to that success.

Now think of this. Some young girl sent a story to Steven Spielberg. It got on his desk and he liked it enough to make a short film. Now, the story was good. Is the young girl talented? Well, I don’t know. I guess talented enough to write one good story. Is she lucky? Yes! It was an accident that the story got on his desk. He was not supposed to see it. Normally, that submission would probably just be tossed out with a polite rejection letter (probably like the dozens of them that Mary Higgins Clark got).

Is it talent or luck?

 If you are successful time after time, it is talent. If you are successful once, it is luck. If you are successful time after time in very challenging situations, it may be both.

What is important?

Well, I think talent will take you a lot farther than luck. If you have a marketable skill that is exceptional, you will always do well. It may take you a few tries to succeed, like Mary Higgins Clark, but it will pay off for a life time. One lucky break may be all you get. You may be a one hit wonder so to speak, like the girl writing to Spielberg, but it won’t last a life time.

Making your own luck.

Well, maybe it is more making your own opportunities rather than luck. We really don’t have any control over luck, do we? If we did, going to a casino or playing the lotto would be very different.

So, what to do? Develop your talent. We all have one. If there is something you really want to be able to do in life, develop your talent. Take classes. Practice. Learn the ins and out of what it is you want to do. Talk to the ones who have gone before you.

Sounds like a lot of work, doesn’t it? Yep! But if you really have a passion for what you want to do, it should not seem like work. It should seem like an adventure.

And when you accomplish what you want to accomplish, how will that feel? And that feeling makes it all worth it. 

Cheers!

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

 

Why some don’t believe in God

For simplicity, I will use the term God to represent the Higher Power for all religions.

As one who believes in God, it is hard to imagine not believing in God. I have a very strong faith. I know there is a Higher Power. What exactly that Higher Power is I don’t know, but I do believe.

I look at the wonders of the world and think God, what ever God is had to create this. There had to be a creative force.

Two groups: 

I think that there are two groups of people who do not believe. Group one has been disappointed by their God. They prayed for this and that and nothing. That for which they prayed did not happen, materialize. They see other people pray and seemingly have their prayers answered. Why them and not me is the usual question.

I have seen that so many times. Some people seem to always get what they want and need as if God is providing it just for them. Have you ever noticed that? I have a friend who never seems to worry. God provides.

But for some when the job never comes, the sick die, they are overwhelmed with life and they ask God to help, but nothing. It is understandable why faith is missing.

Group two are people who have a very strong inner drive for the survival need of certainty. Those of us who believe in a Higher Power usually have a commonality. We turn our lives over to our God. As a Christian, I was taught to “let go and let God”. I was taught to release the burdens of life to Jesus.

Those in group two don’t want to do that. They don’t want to turn over the control of their life to some invisible God. The certainty they have in their life is the control they have. They believe that if you want something you, and you alone, make it happen. It makes their personal power stronger. This is the survival need of significance, and this is how they meet that need. It is a uniqueness to not believe in a Higher Power.

Now the opposite survival need of significance is love and connection. They have not made that love and connection to any God. They lack bonding and oneness with any Higher Power.

It isn’t that they do not have any sort of love or connection with others. Maybe they do and maybe they don’t. It is more that they tend to their own needs in their own way.

So there you have it. They are not atheists. They do atheism. Atheism is the tool they use to meet their survival needs their way.

Coach

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It’s OK to want what you want

As long as you don’t want something that harms other people or something illegal, it is OK to want what you want.

Sometimes people seem to think they don’t deserve to have the life of their dreams. It just wouldn’t be fair. I have actually thought that.

Life is meant to be enjoyed. What ever it is that gives you pleasure it is OK. You don’t need to have other people understand. You don’t need other people to approve. What you need is to enjoy life just the way you want it.

So, if you have a dream, live it to the best of your abilities. If you want to be a rich and famous actor or professional athlete, that may be stretching it a bit far. But if you can do some sort of acting or play sports, then do that. Enjoy that. If you want to be a singer, do that. You may not produce records or get paying jobs, but you can find some way to sing and get pleasure from it even if it is at a talent show.

I really don’t understand so many people ask is it OK if I…? People get so caught up in etiquette. They don’t know if what they want to do is “proper”. Is it going to hurt someone else? If not, it is OK. Will it make someone else feel better? If so, it is OK.

Give yourself permission to live the life you want. To have or not have what you want in your life. When you do, you will pinch yourself just to make sure you are not sleeping and having a really good dream.

I think if it is in your heart, you have good intentions, you really can’t go wrong. But if you think what you want to do is questionable, ask. We all have that cool friend who really knows if something would be inappropriate or not. Ask that person. If you don’t want to ask someone you know, you know where to find me.

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

How to overcome fear.

How do you overcome fear? 

Well, to start you have to understand fear. Fear is uncertainty. There are four survival needs and uncertainty is one. The opposite survival need is certainty.

When you have a fear, you are uncertain about what to expect. You feel out of control. Take riding roller coasters for example. I am not a fan. Why? Because I have no control.

When we have a fear, we don’t know what will happen. We think bad things will happen. We want someone to tell us that with 100% certainty we can do this thing and we will be perfectly safe and nothing will go wrong. That would be nice, would it not? But you may be aware by now that life is not like that. Life is full of uncertainty. As the saying goes, the only sure things in life are death and taxes. Ugh! Let’s get off that depressing thought.

Fear is uncertainty and certainty out of balance. How do you gain more certainty? Well, you can’t gain control, right? No. You can’t control heights. You can’t control an airplane unless you are a pilot. You can’t control darkness or whatever it is you fear.

What do you want to change? 

No one wants to overcome a fear. I repeat, no one wants to overcome fear. 

What you want is to change certainty. You need more of it. For once you gain certainty, your fear will fade and you will have confidence to face it.

So, the first question you have to ask is: How are you currently meeting your need for certainty by not changing? Well, by not facing your fear you give yourself the security of not facing the fear. You stay in your comfort zone to enjoy the pleasure of safety and to avoid the pain of uncertainty.

Are you certain you can’t overcome the fear? You may be using this reasoning to not try to overcome the fear. I know I can’t so why bother.

But now, you want to overcome that fear. It isn’t working for you anymore.

 

Next questions:

What will you lose if you don’t change? How will that feel?

What will you gain if you do change? How will that feel?

Who will you become if you do or do not change? How will that feel?

What has to happen for you to get what you want and need? What actions can you take to make this change?

It is a habit. 

Everything we do is a habit. You created this habit of avoiding this fear. You made the habit. You can break the habit, and create a new one.

Permission to change

It is important to give yourself permission to change. You have had this habit for a long time. Your subconscious wants to give you what you want. And your subconscious has built this habit to avoid the uncertainty. So. you need to tell the subconscious it is OK to change. This is not vital, but it is helpful. Using hypnosis can be a valuable tool.

Last questions:

Who can keep you accountable for this change? Who is in your life that already gets these results?

Find a supportive friend or friends to help you to meet your certainty need on a higher level.

I hope this helps.

Coach

Let me know how you are doing.

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