Category: Uncategorized

Not the intention but the interpretation

Have you ever said something to someone and their response surprised you? It is like they got the entirely wrong idea. Now they are angry or have hurt feelings and you sit there and think oh crap! No what? Am I right?

So there you are shaking your head and wondering how they got it wrong. You search through your mind wondering what to say to “fix” it.

Is the first thing you say, “That did not come out right.”? Because some how it is your fault. Right? You said it wrong.

Hold on! Did you say it wrong? Maybe. But Maybe they took it wrong.

It isn’t always the message we intend to communicate which is heard. Sometimes it is the interpretation that is mixed up. People interpret things based on their own experiences in life. Maybe they are defensive about a certain issue. Maybe they feel guilty about a certain topic. Maybe they have been thinking about this topic in their head and think bad about it, and think you think the same as they do. And perhaps they think you are being harsh or judgmental.

The point is if someone responds to something you say to them much differently than you expect them to, it may not be your fault. You may not have said something that “came out wrong”. If their response surprises you, ask them why they reacted that way. Listen to what they think you said. Don’t get defensive and say “I didn’t say that”. Don’t be accusing either and say “you took that wrong”. Listen and ask questions if you must to get clarity. Try to find out what made them react that way. Then, restate your message.

It isn’t the intention of the statement that matters it is the interpretation. It does not matter what you meant if it is taken wrong.

OK. I hope that helps.

Cheers!

Coach.

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Mom’s lasting lesson of kindness

So, just like you, I have my favorite stories about my mom. There are always those stories that stick out. I want to share one with you now. No reason, I just want to share it with you. I hope you like it.

I was in high school. Mom and I went to the Friday night football game. I was a Sophomore. A young man 18 or 19 I would guess was trying to buy a ticket for the game, but he could not get one. Now before I continue, he was mentally challenged. I don’t know now, but perhaps he had Down Syndrome.

My mom was wondering what the commotion at the front of the ticket booth line was all about. Some man standing nearby explained about the young man. Mom had me watch him. When she got to the front of the line, she asked about him. She was informed that he was 50 cents short. Mom told the woman selling the tickets she should be more considerate. What was 50 cents to the school? Really? They could not let him in even 50 cents short? And couldn’t she, the woman selling the tickets put 50 cents in the register later?

So, mom bought two tickets. We walked up to the gates where he was standing. There he was wishing he could go inside. But he seemed to be willing to stand outside the gates and watch the best he could from there.

Mom walked up to him. Handed him a ticket.  “Go buy yourself a Coke and a snack” she said as she handed him a few dollars.” Then mom and I went inside and enjoyed the game.

Why is this story so memorable to me? Well, from the man who told us about him, we learned that he loved those games so much. He went every week. Mom said to me that it was probably one of the few great pleasures he had. It gave him joy.

Now, it was not much. It was a few dollars, but it bought so much pleasure to him. That incident has made such an impression on me for the last 40ish years. We don’t have to make grand gestures to make an impression on the world. We just need to make one life just a bit brighter even if it is just a for a few hours at a high school foot ball game.

Thanks mom.

Cheers!

Coach

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If you were a bumble bee would you be able to fly?

Bumble bees are not supposed to be able to fly. But they do. But how? If they are not designed to be able to fly, how can they?

One answer is that they don’t know they can’t fly. They are meant to fly by their nature. So they do.

The other day while working in my garden I started thinking about this. I was thinking how some people I know just bumble their way through life. They have no real direction. They are clumsy. They are awkward. They are bungling. They try hard, but don’t quite get it right.  I thought they are a busy bee, a bumbling bee, but not little bumble bee who does the “impossible” when it flies.

A bubble bee doesn’t know any better. It is ignorant of its “inability” to fly. They don’t think about it. They just do it.

So, what does this mean to you? 

Well, if you were a bumble bee, would you be able to fly? Well, if you were like all the other bumble bees in the world, yes you would fly. But what if you thought about it? What if you thought I am not designed properly to fly? You would not fly. Would you? You would bumble your way through life. You would struggle. Life would be a lot harder for you.

What’s the point?

Some people think too much. They talk themselves out of even trying to do new things. I can’t. I don’t know how. It’s too hard.

Make like a bumble bee. 

What you know can hurt you. If bumble bees knew they “can’t fly” they wouldn’t. Ignorance of the scientific “fact” that they can’t fly allows them the freedom and ability to fly.

So, all those thoughts that you have in your head that you can’t get rid of them. Spread your wings and fly.

Make like a bumble bee and amaze the world!

Bzzz.

Keep BZ

Coach

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What don’t you know that you don’t know?

What is it you don’t know?

That is hard to know. But what you are overlooking,  the hurdles that you don’t see are the biggest challenges.

You don’t want to go overboard in trying to think of every thing that can go wrong in your adventure. Because if you do, you very well may never start. You want to be prepared, but not overly prepared.

What you want is to be knowledgeable in the subject. You want to know what it is that you want to do inside and out. One thing that I have noticed when someone wants to do something is that they do not have it fully defined.  They give a blank stare when you ask them to define what they want. They don’t know what they want the end result to be or how to get there.

Having your project well defined will make it easier to solve any problems that may arise. One thing you can do is to instruct someone on your project. As you instruct someone else you will find the gaps in your plan. Invite to whom you are explaining it to ask questions and clear up any misunderstandings they may have. You may consider explaining the concept to you as if you were unfamiliar with the project. It’s OK to talk to yourself. It’s thinking out loud. You may consider have someone else explain it back to you to see what you may have over looked.

As you go through these exercises, you may find a few holes in your plan. Don’t feel bad. This is all for improvement of your project. It is an opportunity to learn how to make improvements and possibly to not have any huge obstacles to get in your way.

Coach

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6 tips for success

Six quick tips for success

1: Get ahead of fear.  I don’t know how many times I have known someone who wanted to do something, but put it off to have everything just right before launching their project or business. What happens is that people start thinking about what could go wrong. Then they think maybe it is not a good idea. They start to worry and then they give up  before they try.

2: Fake it until you make it. When you don’t have control over a situation, confuse those who do. Know what those in control want and give it to them. Even if you are new at something you can do it. Be confident in you.

3: Get rid of your routine. If you stick with the same way of doing things, you won’t get anywhere. Break those invisible chains that are holding you back.

4: Ask for help. It is really hard to do things on your own. You need at least one other person to work out the what and how of any business or project. What is or is not working in your life is a great indicator of the direction to take.

5: Mental endurance.  Excitement gets a plan going. But when you hit those hurdles, that can stop you. Too many roadblocks and motivation and excitement fade. It is mental endurance that keeps you going. You have something you want you have to attack it. You have to give it all you have. Form new habits. Not being alone, getting help as needed, someone to hold you accountable, changing your old ways these all work toward mental endurance.

6: Room for improvement. Make one step forward every day. Improve just one thing every day. Achieve 1% of your goal every day. Your brain thinks small. When your brain is done, you are 40% of capacity, capability. Breaking through barriers gets you to the next level.

Those  things that are challenging are things that require preparation, training, planning, maybe failure, but those are the things that make you feel most alive. When you get over those hurdles, past those roadblocks, you learn more about you and what you truly can do. You will see that you can do things you never thought possible. Traveling the rough road is exhilarating when you reach the end. The satisfaction makes it all worth it.

In summary, dare to do your dream. You may stray off the beaten path, but you will find your way. And at the of the day you just may find a band new and improved you—someone who dared and made it.

Cheers!

Coach

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Glass house… don’t throw stones.

It is interesting to me when it is hard for people to see their own faults.

People are quick to see actions others do that is not “Godly”, but can’t seem to see it in their own self. Somehow when we do something as an individual it is on a small scale so it seems insignificant.

Things I have seen:

A person desperately depressed and going down hill fast. This person reaching out to the people this person knows and letting them know how bad off this person really is and nothing. There was no response. Not one person even attempted to console.

A person trying to start a business. Seeking the help of the people this person knows to spread the word. This person was so confident it would happen. But even after several attempts to get cooperation from the people this person  knows there was no support. Not one person was willing to help.

A person who went out of their way to help others to have their dream come true. This person made the mistake of lending money. And now the payments only trickle back. This person  is now hurting financially, and no one goes out of their way to catch up on the payments. One person just lives on what money was left over.

“Godly”? 

Were the people who did not console, did not support or did not make the loan payments Godly? I say not. If your family or friends need help and you do nothing, I say that is not Godly.

If you look the other way to a stranger in need, that is not Godly, but there is only so many you can help. That is understandable. But when it is family or a friend and you don’t do even the minimal that you can do to help, that is different.

A Godly person would  console the person who was down and out.

A Godly person would have helped the person spread the news about their business.

A Godly person would go out of their way to honor an agreement.

Glass house.

If you live in a glass house, don’t throw rocks. Who have you ignored? Who needed you and you were not there? Who did you let cry? Who did you let sink? Whose hand did you not hold? Who did you give up on? If you did this just once, you were not “Godly”.

None of us are without sin.

None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. We are all doing the best that we can. We all overlook the need in society. Or more, we can’t help society as a whole. But we can help our family, friends and neighbors. When we see that other person needs a hand up, if we can, we must.

We can’t let the people in our lives struggle. We may not always do much. But you can always console someone, be supportive, or be considerate and kind.

Be aware. The need is not always so obvious. Look for the signs that someone needs help even if they are not saying they need help.

Answer. If someone asks for help, don’t look away. Don’t wait for someone else to to help. If nothing else listen, be supportive and console.

Get help. If someone needs help, and you can only do so much, help them to find someone who can do more than you. I think that it is best to not worry about the world as a whole. We need to take care of our piece of it. If we all take care of helping our friends, family and neighbors, then the world will be taken care of.

To do otherwise is not being “Godly”.

We all miss the opportunity to help. We all do the best we can.

Cheers!

Coach

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Two Clients

Hello~

I wanted to share some feedback I have received.

Kathleen

Kathleen was a  woman I helped in 2013. We have kept in touch over the years. Friday night I heard from her, and this is a highlight of what she said:

“One time, you sat me down and told me that I set the tone for the whole office. I’ve been running a summer camp and  can see my mood affecting the employees and the kids too. You were really right so I remembered it today. … you had some wise gems. … Thank you for your kind words. I used to think I did a terrible job at everything. … You were good to me and I enjoyed working with you. I consider you a friend. I wish I had been happier and more mature at that time of my life but hey I wasn’t.”

Kathleen was 25 at the time. She was one of the most amazing women I have ever met. Right out of college she became an office manager and had to organize and manage the cleaning jobs of 22 house cleaners. She was the model of efficiency. Phone skills, computer skills and customer service she excelled. She is bi lingual which came in handy working with mostly Mexican women few of which spoke much English. To top it off, when she had a better way of streamlining the way the office ran she took it upon herself to change the entire office system over. Even her last two weeks on the job, (she moved away) she made sure everything was in perfect condition before she left.

She is intelligent, charming, charismatic, and uplifting. She is very fun. Why she was beating her self up was baffling.  This incredible woman had such low self-esteem. So, we worked on that. We got her to allow herself to let the past go and stop defining herself by her relationship status. One of the things we did was to get her out of a very bad relationship. We worked on her motivators. When we uncovered what was truly important to her, she could see the amazing person she really is.

Today, she is well adjusted. She now accepts that she is an amazing person. She is happy now, and thriving in a new environment. Way to go Kathleen! I am so happy for you. And it pleases me so much that she still remembers the things I said to her years ago.

Jo

Jo is a new client. We have only had two meetings. Jo is very sad and overwhelmed with life. She is 44. She is single. She is very sensitive and shy. She has few friends and no family to turn to for help.

She reached out to her few friends, but they don’t respond. She said to me it is like shouting into a canyon and not hearing an echo. “It is like my voice gets lost in space.” 

My heart goes out to this woman. She is one of those who is so kind to others, but seems somewhat invisible to them. It is hard for her to understand why no one responds to her need of an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on. Not knowing which way to turn, she reached out to me.

So far, she has mostly just talked and I listened. But what she said to me I want to share:

“I really appreciate just having someone to listen. It clears my head, and I don’t feel so bad. I used to feel like Atlas holding up the world, and now I have released that burden and now sit on top enjoying the view. It isn’t that I am on top of the world happy, but I able to see opportunities. I still have a long way to go, but I feel hopeful.”

What a turn around in only two sessions. This is what happens when you learn what motivates you. Everything becomes so clear. Jo is not happy by any means, but now she has a better idea of what makes her so unhappy. She has learned to let go of the burdens she does not need to have.

You can’t lose pain over night. Pain such as Jo and Kathleen had grew over many years. You can remove that which causes the pain, but you still need to heal. It is sort of like surgery. You remove what ails you, but the pain lingers for awhile.

I look forward to helping Jo heal and get better.

So, I just wanted to share this with you. To know that you said some small thing to someone like I did with Kathleen that it made a big impression with them makes one feel very good. I don’t even remember saying what I said. And that is how it is with helping others. You can say one simple thing and it can change a life.

Cheers!

Coach

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How are you perceived?

We have a self image. In our hearts and minds we perceive ourselves a certain way. How we look, how we act, how we talk, and how we treat others are some of the things we think about. But does the world see us the same way?

You answer may be I don’t care what people think. This question is not about getting *approval* from the world. This question is does the world see you the way you see yourself?

Perception is reality.

Some examples:

Some people think they are really good at their work. But some of them are fair at their work. They would be really surprised at what their boss really thinks.

Some people are really understanding and nonjudgmental. But other people see them as critical and not accepting of certain behavior. Others would be surprised that these people are understanding and really don’t think much of what others do.

Some people are really intense and stress out a lot. But they are perceived as fun and easy going because that is the image they put forth into the world. It can be really surprising when you see the real personality.

Confused about how others treat you?

If you are a certain way and people seem to act contrary to what you expect, there may be a perception issue. It may be that others are perceiving you in a way that is not true to you.

It isn’t that you are purposely giving the wrong perception. It is more that people are misinterpreting your perception.

What to do?

If you think you are misunderstood, ask family and friends. Give them an example of a time when you were really baffled by someones  action or reaction to you. And then ask why. Ask why do you think they acted that way.

Your family and friends can pin point the way you come off to others. I know it may hurt a little. You may not like what you hear. But it is important to understand how you are perceived by others. Maybe you need to make an adjustment on how you present yourself. You don’t have to change who you are, but maybe how you say or do things just a tad.

The result is that you can be better understood. People will baffle you less by not acting contrary to what you expect.

If family and friends don’t help, you know where to find me.

Cheers!

Coach

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Charlotte’s Web

The reading list

A few months ago I committed to reading one book a month when I saw an article about the top 75 books of the last 75 years. This was a big commitment as I was not reading books before. I did not think that I had the attention span  to read. But I am doing especially well. I actually have two books going at once. I read a book from the list and a second book. I found a bunch of free books and have them in my ever growing library.

I just finished book number 7: Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White.

I was surprised that a book for children was on the list. But after reading it, I get it. What a wonderful story.

Do you know the story?

I don’t want to ruin it for you. But in a nutshell it is a story about friends. It is about caring for others even though they are different. It is about coming together to help each other. It is about the big difference we can make in the life of another. Charlotte was a small spider with a heart of gold. There was not much a spider could do, but she did what she did best and helped her friend.

We all want to make a difference in the world. Sometimes we think we have nothing to offer. Wrong! 

Charlotte was a spider who helped a friend. Not only that, but she gave love and friendship. All it took was a small gesture to make all the difference in the world to her friend. Most of us don’t have the fame to have a huge influence on the world. But just like Charlotte we can help one. And to that one will treasure that act of kindness always. If we all made the difference for just one, think of how the world would change.

As for Charlotte, her legacy will live on. Her goodness and kindness will be passed on to her children and grandchildren for generations.

Challenge.

Find that one thing that you do so well that you can do to help just one other and do it. Do it for you. Do it because it is the *right* thing to do. Let the feeling of love and peace you feel from your actions wash over you. Don’t try to change the entire world. Just make the difference for one.

Charlotte’s Web: Lucky book number 7.

I have not agreed with all the other books on the list. Frankly, this is my favorite so far. I don’t know what that says about me. I guess it means I enjoy a simple story of love, kindness and friendship. This book touched my heart from start to end.

Frankly, I can’t remember reading this as a child. Maybe yes. Maybe no. Regardless, I just finished reading it. Like most stories for children as adults we get more out of a story as adults because we get the deeper messages. If you have not read it lately, I highly recommend you give it a try. It is sure to inspire.

Peace.

Coach.

Hey, let me know your thoughts on Charlotte’s Web. What did it inspire?

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passion and achievement

What are you passionate about?

It seems to me that our passions in life are what make life worth living. If we did not have passion, what would fill our hearts?

Do you make the most of your passion?

If it gives you joy, you need to make it a big part of your life. Preferably, your passion should be your life’s work. If that is not possible for you, then at least make it a hobby.

Which leads to this question: What are the achievements you are most proud of?

It seems to me that your greatest achievements should have something to do with your passion. Your heart leads you in your passion. It is that one thing that you do without feeling like you *have to*. You do it because it gives you joy. It should be something you do for fun. It isn’t something you put off doing.

Are you living your passion?

If yes, good for you! If not, why? Is it because you don’t have time? Is it because you don’t know how? If not, you may want to take a few moments to think about it. Life is meant to be enjoyed. And enjoying your passion, listening to your heart is a big part of that.

Peace.

Coach

Let me know how you are doing with this.

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