Category: Uncategorized

Ask what is wrong.

Have you ever been in a situation where someone is upset with you, and you don’t know why?

More often than not you know why someone is upset with you. But sometimes it is baffling. This happened to me years ago. I took my dog to the dog park every day. I had my *dog park friends*. These were people with whom I socialized while our dogs played. One, I will call Mary. We hung out. We threw ball after ball for our dogs. We chatted. Then one day, she just would not talk to me. She went to another part of the park. This was the biggest wall of silence I have ever encountered. I asked mutual dog park friends what was wrong. And no one would talk. They knew, but did not want to get involved. I begged her to just tell me what was wrong. Nothing. I never did find out.

The point is that not knowing was very hard. You can’t fix a problem without discussion. I figured there must be a simple misunderstanding. I said or did something that was taken the wrong way. If Mary would have talked, I could have cleared things up and we could have been dog park friends again. Or at the very least we be civil.

The reason I bring this up is because I know someone who is unhappy with a neighbor. There is a language barrier so they can’t just chat over the fence. She has left nice notes on their gate. They have been something like I care about you and I hate seeing you so unhappy and frustrated when there is a very simple solution. My friend has extended the olive branch so to speak. The neighbor does not respond. So, the neighbor continues to be very frustrated over a situation. And does not even try to work on the neighbor relationship.

What would make the difference? Asking. The neighbor does not even try to understand the issues between the two neighbors. If the neighbor would ask, to understand, things could be worked out. Just like my situation with Mary. All it would take to work things out would be to ask and clear up any misunderstanding.

If you are having problems with someone, and you don’t know why, ask. Now they may react like Mary, and just not tell you. They may think you should already know, and you need to figure it out on your own. Or maybe they want to *punish* you with their silence. That probably has a solution. But if they won’t tell you there is nothing you can do about that. But if they are interested in working things out, they will tell you.

If, you ask and get no response, it is possible that you can figure out with some guided questions from someone like me. The answer is within your grasp. Sometimes it is hard to see it yourself.

RAT: Relationship Acceptance Training

If you need help with any sort of relationship, spouse, parent-child, friends, co-workers, or neighbors, I do what I call Relationship Acceptance Training. Helping people to get to the source of the issue. Then, learn to accept each other as they are versus trying to change the other. Now, people have to be willing to work things out. We can’t have any *Marys* in this training. People have to at least be willing to talk. But if the other person is a Mary, we can try to work with that. The Mary in the scenario is meeting a need by keeping a tight lip, but we can help Mary meet that need on a higher level to get her willing to talk and work on the relationship.

Remember: It takes communication to work through any relationship issues. If you don’t know the why, ask.

Happy relationships!

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

Happy Samhain/ Halloween!

I like to share beliefs of other cultures so today I want to talk about Samhain. In case you have never heard of it.

Samhain “summer’s end” is a Gaelic festival. It is a combination festival day of the dead and the end of harvest season. It is also the start of the “darker” half of the year and the start of the spiritual new year.

It makes sense, doesn’t it? The days are getting shorter so there is less day light. It is also the time of year when we look toward Thanksgiving which is about the end of harvest. It is a time when nature relaxes and some animals hibernate. We get rested up. We also become more spiritual in December. We become more focused on bringing up mankind, spreading love, joy and peace, our spiritual season if you will. Then we have New Years when we let go of the past and put hope into the next year. We start January with positive thoughts.

So, may you have a Happy Halloween or Samhain!

Cheers!

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

Rise up when being pulled down.

Is someone trying to bring you down? I have a nephew trying to bring me down. The hard part of this is that I have been very nice to him. I have tried to help him make his life nice and to live his dream. And now he is trying to hurt me. And to top it off he is  not speaking to me. He has put up a wall of silence, and is hiding from me. And family who could help look the other way. You can’t get others to help if they don’t want to get involved.

What to do?

Well, you can’t let them bring you down. I find it a challenge. I find it a challenge to raise myself up. I am very competitive. When that wall of silence went up, I became determined to get past it. And I did.

I went out of my comfort zone and did things I don’t like to do. I had to make cold calls to find help. I had to ask for help. I succeeded!  I found the help I needed, asked for help and got it. I am rising.

Then what? I felt I could do anything. I confirmed that I have control over my life. No one else is in control of my life. If someone is trying to bring you down, you can let them or you can take control and rise to the occasion.

Letting someone else control you sucks. You start bringing yourself down. You feel like a loser or failure or wimp or pushover or any number of things.

Taking the challenge and rising to the occasion feels great. You are a winner or successful or capable or any number of things. And as was true for me, you feel you can meet other challenges. You are the only barrier to having what you want.

If you think you can’t, you can’t. I know that sounds cheesy, but it is true. You may be meeting a survival need by limiting your self. But is that working for you? When that no longer works for you, you are ready to meet that need on a higher level.

Listen, I went out of my comfort zone. I had to push myself to do what I did to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish. And in the end I showed myself what I can do, and so can you.

Be pulled down or rise up… the choice is yours. You are in control.

Cheers!

Coach.

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

Happy now and later

We all have goals: 

Goals for love. Goals for family. Goals for career. Goals for health. Goals for things we want to see and do. Goals for all sorts of things.

My ordeal.

I recently met a very important goal. It was actually a short lived goal. It was made and accomplished in 9 weeks.  But those 9 weeks were a nightmare. Meeting this goal is life changing. Meeting this goal makes all the difference in my future. I was consumed over it. I thought about it every minute of every day. How will I accomplish this? How? I tried alone. That only got me so far. I hired someone whose job it is to accomplish this goal. After $550, I still did not have the answer. So, I contacted someone who I thought I could help. I thought this person could lead me in the right direction. Well, she gave a few tips, but nothing concrete. I took her tips and made some calls. I did stumble on someone willing to help, but I did not want to ask this person. This person was a perfect stranger going out of his way to help. It seemed too good to be true. So, I contacted another professional whose job it is to accomplish this goal.  This person made an attempt. And was not successful. Luckily this attempt was free. At this point I felt pretty hopeless. Then out of desperation I thought about this stranger who said he was good at accomplishing this goal. I had my doubts, but what did I have to lose? So, I contacted this kind stranger. “You said you would help.” Well, on Monday, this kind stranger, now my friend, in 30 minutes accomplished the goal. In 30 minutes I met my goal. After all the hours I put into this goal, one person, the right person got me there. There is still work to be done, but the biggest hurdle has been cleared. And I know my friend will get me through the rest.

Why and I telling you this? 

Reason one. To show you that goals can be met. We don’t always meet them how we plan on meeting them. I thought I could do it myself. Then I thought the first “professional” could do it. Then I thought I could do it myself. Then I thought the second “professional” could do it. I felt hopeless. Then it took overcoming the fear I have and do some cold calling. I hate cold calling anyone, but the need was so great that nothing would stop me. And that is how I found my new friend who got me to my goal.

Reason two. To show you that often it takes effort and persistence to meet a goal. But when you really want something, everything comes together to make it happen. I contacted someone I did not want to contact who gave me tips. From there I overcame a fear and made cold calls. When I asked my “last hope” person for help, it happened. I could have given up after the first “professional” failed to get me to my goal (I think for more money he would have accomplished the mission).  But I did not give up.

Reason three. There are certain things we just can’t do alone. We don’t always understand how to accomplish a goal. If I knew what my new friend knows, I could have accomplished step one in 30 minutes. It is important to find the right person to help. In my case, there were two right people. There was the person who gave the tips (she only gave tips because that is all she knew). And then there was the person I found through my cold calling.

Reason four. To show the value of delayed gratification. This particular goal took 9 weeks. But, this ordeal started about 3 years ago. Until recently, there was nothing, absolutely nothing I could do to make my situation better. I had to wait. There were circumstances out of my control. That is how it goes sometimes. Sometimes you have to just sit back and let other things work out. It is sort of like sitting in a traffic jam. You want to get somewhere so badly, but you can’t get anywhere. Eventually, the traffic clears and you get moving. You reach your destination.

How do you feel in that traffic jam?

When you are stuck, and things are out of your control, it is frustrating. But there is nothing you can do so you have to make the best of where you are. Another way of putting this is that the ball is not always in your court. And sometimes there is delay because we need time to heal.

That was what I needed. I needed time to heal. Those 3 long years of waiting for things to clear up so that I could move forward and turn this ordeal around were frankly very difficult. But I had to go through that. I had to let go. I had to let the universe do it’s thing. You see, the other side of this ordeal, the other people involved, they had to go through what they had to go through before the traffic jam we were all involved in could clear up. We are all connected. Some things take time. So, for 3 years, I waited. I did the best to get on with life until the traffic cleared. And when it did it took 9 weeks to get on the off ramp that leads to my final destination in this ordeal.

When the dark cloud lifted. 

When I met that goal that took 9 very long and tiring weeks, I felt powerful. I felt as if a very dark cloud was lifted. I felt as if I could do anything…. anything. This is the third time in the last 4 years that I saw the miracle of things coming together. When things are ready to come together, amazing things happen.

When we have goals, we want it to happen now. And sometimes it does. And sometimes it doesn’t.

If you were to meet all your life’s goals, how would you feel?

For those goals that are stuck in traffic, just sit back and relax. I know it is hard. I had to wait 3 long years for my traffic jam to clear. But what kept me going was knowing that things work out. But you can meet your goals. Re read reasons above. Let my experience and testimony of a positive outcome give you hope. We don’t always meet goals how we plan on meeting them, but we do.

We can be happy now striving for our goals when we let ourselves feel that which we want to feel when our outcome is achieved. We will happy later when that goal is met.

Cheers!

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

 

Get strength from the silent treatment

Hello

So many of my posts are written because of my own experience. It is my hope that by sharing things with you I can help you. I want to share with you the strength I recently got from the silent treatment.

I have a nephew with whom I have a strong bond. He has had issues with drugs. I thought he had finally gotten clean. I was wrong. So, without knowing that he was vulnerable he and his wife and I entered an agreement. I would help him to get into a business. We three would run it together. They would do most of the work, but I would help as needed. This business would give me the financial security I want. Well, he got back in trouble with drugs. It was a nightmare. Things spiraled down and out of control so fast I was numb. There was arrest after arrest.

So, the money was going God knows where, but not into the business. The deal fell through. So there I was with my retirement money getting lost. Not only was I not making this “easy” money at the business, but also they were charging up legal fees etc.  I thought having the business would put me on easy street. I was to get a nice income from a business that my nephew would handle. So, they both ended up doing time for drug related charges. So, they aren’t working and able to make any sort of loan payments.

Now they are both out. I have no relationship with her, but I have one of sorts with him. But since he got out in August, he is giving me the silent treatment. He won’t talk to me at all. I have no phone number, but I have reached out to him on Facebook messenger. But silence. We were communicating through letters when he was behind bars so this came at a complete shock. And fear set in. How am I going to get my money back if I can’t contact him or know where or what he is doing?

But today, I figured out what was going on. In this case, the silent treatment is a wall between us. When he was behind bars, he was free of responsibility. He did not have to find a way to pay me back. He couldn’t. But, now he is out and has to have a job. And now he has to be responsible. This wall of silence is a lame attempt to protect himself from the responsibility of this debt. But it won’t work. I will not be manipulated. I will not be controlled. This ploy to avoid me to shut me out is not going to work. It is having the exact opposite result. I am more determined than ever to get the money back. I want to do this the easy way and have him “voluntarily” pay me back. But if he keeps up this wall then I will be forced to go through the courts. I really don’t want to do that, but I will.

The silent treatment is a nasty ploy. If it lasts for hours (normal person silent treatment), days or years (narcissist silent treatment) , it is an act of passive aggression. It can be for many reasons. In my case, it is a substitute for a prison wall. Often it is to make the victim invisible. It is to make the victim feel insignificant. They want you to think you are not important.

The person using this ploy actually has a lot of feelings, but does not know how to express these feelings. So they don’t. They just shut out the world.

The silent treatment is also used to play on your fears. It says this is what it would be like with out me. It says see how much you need me. Submit. You may have asserted yourself. You may have stood up to this person and now they are putting you back in your place. They want control back. They are trying to create insecurity. Jump through my hoops. Kiss my butt.

The silent treatment is to control, punish, test boundaries and to avoid issues and responsibilities. Silence is actually the most powerful scream. It is a desperate attempt to be heard. But it does not solve problems it makes them worse.

What to do? Well, it differs from case to case. It starts by figuring out what the purpose of the silent treatment is. Understand that no matter the what and why of it the benefit of this ploy is (punishment for example), the survival need being met by the silent treatment is control and certainty. The answer is to find a way to get that goal met on a higher level. And that is the best I can do without knowing more.

But do not let the silent treatment control you. Take example from me and turn it around and have it give you strength. A few days ago, when I coached my mentor coach, I told her I did not want to fight him. I don’t. It is ugly and tiring to have to fight someone in court. But today, after I realized the meaning of the silent treatment I am getting from my nephew, I have strength to fight. Yes, I turned this nasty narcissist ploy to my advantage and so can you.

Cheers!

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

I coached my coach

So, for a few years I have had my own life coach. (We all need someone). She has not been able to do much coaching lately because of migraines. I tried to talk to her last week, but she was physically not able.

The funny thing is this. I woke up that morning, and I sensed she needed me this time. The plan was to get her input on something I am going through then help her.  I gave her situation a lot of thought on my morning walk. I came up with what I thought was going on with her. Now, normally, a coach will lead the client to the answer. But I took a different approach with her. I analyzed her situation and came up with the situation and solution I felt would help.

I got very disappointed I could not talk to her. I felt bad that her migraines were so terrible. I went through a period of time when I had migraines so I understand to some extent what they are like. But mine were never as bad as her migraines, and mine have since stopped. I also felt bad that I could not coach her. 

Too sick to talk on the phone, I sent her an email. I have to tell you that it felt like a very bold move to coach my coach. I really admire her. I think she is very wise. Who was I to coach her? It felt like an amateur coaching a pro. But I put on my coach’s hat and told her what I thought was going on in her life and what to do.

I sent the email, and really wished to not get a response. I thought she might disagree with my diagnosis and solution. Well, after a few days, there was a quick response on Facebook: My message helped. Thank you.

I was so pleased. She said she had not yet responded to the email due to feeling so disabled. But that she would go into detail later. I was pleased because I helped someone. Not only that, but someone I admire. I helped my mentor. She is the sort of person you don’t think needs any advice or coaching. She seems to have all the answers. I mean she seems to know everything. But we all need help sometimes. She probably does not get a lot of advice from those she coaches.

Last night she made quite a post on Facebook. She talked about how she feels about things. I made a reply. She replied that I was the reason for this post. And she thanked me again. I felt so proud to have helped. I know that my one coaching email made a difference to my coach, my mentor. I look forward to finding out more of how it helped when she feels able to let me know.

In the meanwhile, I know this: I coached my coach and my coach won, and so did I. 

You see, a relationship between a coach and a client is partnership between equals. Your victories are as much your coach’s victories. Her feeling better about things makes me happy. To know that I helped warms my heart and brings a smile to my face.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that success story.

Cheers!

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

United we stand divided we fall

Hating those who hold different opinions from oneself is not tolerance nor enlightened. It is bigotry.

Wanting no one to express opinions other than yours is not Freedom of Speech. It’s the antithesis of tolerance, enlightenment, and openness.

There is a good reason people have lived in clans, tribes, and communities, with the single most focus being cooperation for the betterment of the whole. There is a good reason animals live in packs. It’s called survival.

UNITED WE STAND.    DIVIDED WE FALL. 

The division  we are experiencing, perpetuating, and co creating, at this time is causing Mankind to fall. Mankind— not just society.

It exhausts us, which opens us up to much easier manipulation by the Negative Forces.

People are feeling it. Animals are feeling it. The hatred and animosity feeds the Dark, empowers The Dark.

Hating a person, place or thing is in no way productive, except for empowering The Dark.

We can have tolerance, compassion, sympathy, empathy, and love for what we don’t like and don’t agree with, and still FOCUS on BUILDING , instead of HATING and TEARING DOWN.

The only  *one*  who wins when we hate and send hate and aggression is The Dark.

The protests against free speech need to end. We all need to be heard. Understanding comes from hearing different points of view.  If you disagree, great, but speak your mind in a positive way, and not by silencing the voice of others.

A tense person is wrapped up in himself, his immediate family, the events of his past, the prospects of his future, or how he is regarded by others. 

What does this tension do? It grips. It causes a stranglehold of the channels within him. It cuts off thinking. It is useless for such a person to relax physically as long as he continues to center the mind upon himself. The stranglehold will be there every minute, day and night. When we to love others as our selves, the attention will be focused outwardly, and therefore we will become relaxed. There will be no stranglehold  within and the mind will become free. 

Open your minds to other points of view. You don’t have to like their opinion. You can express your point of view, but let speech be truly free.

Cheers!

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

 

 

Fixing a mistake

Do you remember when you were a kid and something “terrible” happened? Do you remember you thought the world was coming to an end? You thought that the only answer was to move to a new house and go to a new school?

Well, maybe you felt that way, and maybe you didn’t. But when we are young school kids we often think things are really bad sometimes and not fixable. If you ever felt that way, did you tell your parents about this terrible thing and they just did not freak out? Then, they told you everything would be OK. You were doubtful, but then it was.

When we were children, we did not have the understanding that our parents had. We did not have the wisdom and understanding of time. Time heals if you give your mistake time. Things may not work out as quickly as we would hope. We are having a crisis and perhaps a melt down, and we need this mistake to work out now. Right? We want the bad stuff behind us so we can go back to enjoying life. It may be painful to wait sometimes, but this pain is temporary and it will go away.

Even as adults we can feel the way we did as children. We make big mistakes sometimes. We do something unbelievable, don’t we? You think later “What was I thinking?”. I just went through that thought process this week. When we get so wrapped up in a mistake, it is really hard to think straight. We may feel like that small child who thought the world was coming to an end.

If you are lucky, maybe you can go to your mom or dad and tell them what happened, and they can reassure you it will be OK. You may be doubtful, but trust in them. They did not freak out. Maybe they did not understand the level of “terrible” your mistake was?

But maybe they did not freak out because of their perspective. Things always seem worse when they happen to us.

If you can’t go to  your parents, find someone to tell. It may be bad, but it probably is not be as bad as you think. But you need another perspective to see the answer. It may take another person to help you to calm down.

The first step is to define the problem. The next step is to figure out how to reverse the problem. If only life had a reset button, am I right? Unfortunately, in life you can’t just *Control Z* and undo the mistake. Then start taking the steps to solve the problem. Don’t try to fix it all at once. I know you are eager to put it behind you and forget it ever happened. But take it step by step. Only then will you fix it properly. If you have to you can do a quick solution to stop the problem from getting out of control. Put a bandage on it if you will. But once you stop the problem from getting out of control sit down and calmly figure out what to do.

For example, for a pipe leak, turn off the water to the house before you call the plumber. See what I mean? Turning off the water will not stop the problem. But you don’t want the house to be flooding while you call the plumber.

I have a brother in law who taught me that that everything works out. He is so optimistic all the time. (It is really quite annoying sometimes.) But seriously, he told me “Everything always works out.” And it does.

If you have no one to turn to, you know where to find me.

Cheers!

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

Are you a big dog or a little dog?

I get inspired every day. I have two large dogs. They are both 90-100 pounds. I found them at the dog park and could not resist. This is not the first time I found dogs at the park, but this time I had to take the abandoned dogs home. Why? I don’t know. I guess they were extra special. I am so glad I did.

Dogs are funny. You have the little dogs who act tough. And maybe, just maybe they will bite your ankle. You also have the big dogs who are very sweet. They have no idea what they are capable of doing as far as protecting themselves or anyone from harm.

My dogs are big barkers. They act tough, but really shy away from strangers. Now, I don’t know what they would do if really threatened, but I don’t think they have any idea how intimidating they really are. Most uninvited guests would stay out of the yard and house.

When they get scared, they hide in my bedroom, by the door to the garage or at my feet. I will say,”Don’t be afraid. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” As I do that, I think how silly that is because they should be  giving me comfort at the scary stuff. I tell them, “Do you know how scary you are? Do you know what you can do to a bad guy?” I know that they could really hurt someone if they were so inclined, And they aren’t so inclined. They don’t seem to get how big and powerful they truly are.

So, I consider all dogs to be guide dogs. They teach us all sorts of things. I don’t know how many times I say things to my dogs that I could say to me or to other people. So, it occurred to me last night when one dog was hiding in the bedroom that sometimes people are the big dog that is gentle and has no idea how much power and capability they really have.

Is that you? Is there something you want to do, but get that big dog mentality and think I can’t do that? I think I will just bark a little then go sit somewhere safe. Maybe when you were barking you thought better of the idea and decided maybe it was risky chasing after what ever it was that you wanted? Or maybe you thought it would be too hard to do?

If you have that big dog mentality, what to do? Find someone who will encourage you. In the same way that I try to ease the minds of my dogs and tell them they are so capable, find someone who can see your potential and help you to see it.   Figure out the risks of chasing down that thing that you want. Then figure out how to overcome those risks. Do not overwhelm yourself with the “what ifs”. Because in the end you want the little dog mentality. We want you to  charge after it without realizing the possible danger, the “what ifs” and go ahead and chase something big. We want you to grab the world by the ankles until you bring it down.

Big dog, you, yes you, can do it. You are so much stronger and capable than you know.

Stop chasing your tail!

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

The Why of Hurricane Harvey

First of  all, prayers and well wishes to those who have been hurt by Hurricane Harvey. I can’t imagine what that is like. An event like this is a terrible catastrophe. There is loss and devastation beyond my imagination. I have seen the aftermath of flooding, but I am sure what I have seen does not compare to this.

The Why of Hurricane Harvey.

What it isn’t.

Some people have been downright mean to say things like they deserve it or I can’t feel sorry for them because the state of Texas as a whole voted for Trump (about 52% of the votes). Or they don’t believe in climate change so this happened. So ha ha this is climate change’s revenge or some such nonsense.

That is just stupid. I can’t believe that people can actually think such a thing, or be so cruel. What kind of people can be so mean? Really now.

And it has nothing to do with any God of any faith. There is no loving God that would do this.

What it is.

A lot of times people speculate as to why this occurs. Well, it is simple. It is a natural occurring event. Hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes are natural events.

Country unity. 

Aside from the mean spirited out there who hate Texans for what ever reason, this is one of those things that unites us as a people. People all over this land are tying to think of ways to help. How can I help? People all over see there is need and want to help. Money is being raised. Items are being donated. At least one company has shut down beer production and bottled drinking water. People bring out their boats and help others.

People are helping strangers. No one cares about the color of their skin. No one cares about religion. No one cares about for whom they voted. No one cares about any of that.

People need help. That is all people are thinking about. People who are doing the best they can to make it in this tough old world have been caught up in a *Texas sized* natural disaster. This will take a lot of time and money to restore things to get things back to normal. They are people. We don’t have to classify them. Black, White, Latino, Asian,rich, poor, Christian, Jew, Muslim, who cares?

Do we need a disaster?

Why does it take a disaster to unite people? Every time there is a disaster a flood, fire, earthquake or terrorist attack we come together. We care. We look around wondering how to help. Good for us! But why wait for a disaster?

Every day in every community, in every neighborhood, someone needs help. We don’t look away. We don’t look. We don’t seek to help. Heck, it could be just a kind word to someone who may be tired.

I am not suggesting that you go out and knock on doors to find people in need. But get to know your neighbors. Talk. Get to know them. Pick up small clues like a yard that is run down. Pay attention to people when you are out and about. Does that stranger look sad? Then, smile and ask if you are so inclined. Is someone struggling to carry a package to their car? Then help them. It only takes a moment. Some of the best moments I have is when strangers offer to help me when I have a load of rocks or stepping stones to load into my van. Is someone taking care of a sick relative or even a sick pet? Maybe they could use a little break? I know I did when my mom was sick.

The idea is it only takes a small gesture of kindness to make a difference. We are all doing it the best we can. We can all use a little help from time to time. And don’t care about the sex, religion, skin color, or a voter registration card. Just do what you can.

Community unity.

I have said it before. We are just a nation of communities that form cities that form counties that form states that form a nation. If we all make our community the best it can be, then our nation will be too.

Don’t wait for a disaster.

Thank you.

Coach.

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach