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Fear of actually having what you want. Let me go into greater detail:

Not having what you want is an excuse to not succeed. People can be so interested in not having a good life or a joyful life that they self-sabotage their own interests with doing what it takes to not succeed.

Quitting fills the need for certainty. You like certainty so much that you quit only to prove to yourself and others that you can not stop your struggle with depression.

Comfort where you are. You have done depression for so long that you are comfortable and secure in it. To deal with life in another way is a change that you fear.

Certainty in not getting what you want. You want to fill the need for certainty or comfort so much that you will sacrifice joy to make a point.

I get it. I was the same. But when I made the effort to change I found it to be so worth it. How I did it is available here:
https://lylcoach.lchlegacy.com/

Would it surprise you if I told you No one wants to lose weight?
Losing weight is a tool or a vehicle to meet a need. There are four survival needs. Losing weight can be used to meet a need.

It could be to meet the need for significance. This could be to be skinny in a fat world. But why is it hard sometimes to lose weight?

You may have a fear of actually having what you want. It is an excuse to now succeed. Losing weight can be uncertain. Success would be uncertain. Quitting trying is certainty of not being able to lose weight. You are comfortable where you are.

What does this have to do with depression? Well, you use depression as a tool to fill a need. There is actually a fear of not having depression in your life. I know that makes no sense, but it is true. No longer having depression in your life would be uncertain. To not try to ditch depression or to give up before you ditch depression fills the desire to prove yourself correct that you can not stop your struggle with depression. You are comfortable where you are even with the struggle.

If you want to ditch depression, and start to really enjoy life, help is here: https://lylcoach.lchlegacy.com/

Do you ever get annoyed when someone says hello or good morning? Maybe you don’t like it when someone says have a nice day?
I know that when I did depression all those greetings would really bother me. To “Good Morning” I would just think “Umm yes it is morning, good is pushing it. To “Have a Nice Day” I would think “Too late for that”. Can you relate?
Friendly people would often result in a big eye roll. I would not respond. I would sigh to myself. I would think, “really”?
I would try to smile and respond in kind, but it was really tough. Then I would feel bad that I had that response. It would bother me that I had that response. Why can’t I just be like everyone else? If you ever feel that way, you really should consider ditching depression. How I did it and other options are available here:
https://lylcoach.lchlegacy.com/

It is okay to cry. I know that a lot of people think it is weak to cry. But to me it takes courage. More than that it is good to cry. I have always felt better after a Good cry.
It releases tension. It fills the need for love and connection in the sense that you are giving love and connecting to your self.
So don’t feel bad if you cry. It is okay.

When I did depression, I would sometimes just be angry for no apparent reason. Sometimes I would just look at someone and want to yell at them. I wanted to put them down. Maybe I thought they were dressed dumb. Maybe I thought they looked stupid or doing something stupid. I would get filled with hate.
AND THEN
I created a system that changed everything. Those yell at other people or even things for no real reason are now behind me. The system can be found here: https://lylcoach.lchlegacy.com/

When I did depression, I would cry because I could not hold it in anymore. It would happen a lot in the morning (mourning). At my worst, life was in a downward spiral. This lasted for ten years. I was so tired of trying. I wanted nothing but peace and quiet. I was so overwhelmed that I could not do anything.
AND THEN
I created my own system to get better. It was simple. Sure, it took some effort, but it was so worth it. You can do it too if you want. You can find it here: https://lylcoach.lchlegacy.com/

When you struggle with depression, just about anything can set you off. I can remember a day when I had a time trying to get a pair of shorts off. I went into a rage. Yes, that was all it took. I yelled at a pair of shorts for a few minutes because I could not get them off. I don’t know why I had trouble. Maybe I tried to take them off without taking off my shoes. That is the most likely reason. But it was certainly not worth getting all bent out of shape over.
I have those days behind me. I did depression for nearly 40 years. I created my own system for help. You can find help here:
https://lylcoach.lchlegacy.com/

Doing depression is being frustrated often. I can remember times of being so frustrated. At one time, I wanted to do remote work. But I did not think I had any skills to do it. I had little office experience even though I still did have my own company that I managed. I got so discouraged that I did not even try to do any remote work. I felt that I would be rejected. Who would hire me? I thought no one. And a big part of that was that I had low self-esteem. It was so low that I did not think I had anything to offer. This is the result of depression. https://lylcoach.lchlegacy.com/

One of the things that people who struggle with depression often do is to stop doing personal care and hygiene. They don’t bathe, brush their hair, or brush their teeth. This happens because they stop caring. They don’t care how they look, how they smell, or their general health. They don’t care about their clothes. Are they clean or dirty or even torn? It does not matter. They also change their eating habits. They eat more. They eat less. They eat a lot of sweets. They also stop a lot of activity. They don’t exercise.

This all happens when they just don’t care about them. They feel unworthy. They feel less than other people. They feel broken. They feel defeated in life. They feel all alone. Once someone gets to this stage, they need help more than ever.

Life should be experienced as happy, healthy, joyful, fearless, loving and alive. If not, you need to get to this point or sense of being. Help is here: https://lylcoach.lchlegacy.com/

I know what it is to get overly frustrated. I know what it is to go out of your mind over something simple. When I struggled with depression, if I lost a sock after doing laundry, I would go crazy searching for it. I could not rest until I found it. That is really silly. A lost sock will eventually show up. It is not worth getting all nuts over it. It is not worth raising your blood pressure or risk a heart attack. Have you ever become silly in looking for something like a missing sock? Would you like to change that habit? You can. Guidance is found here: https://lylcoach.lchlegacy.com/