Category: Uncategorized

I don’t know how many times I say “I hate…”. I sort of do and I sort of don’t. In the moment, I am filled with hate. But then I take a breath and I think to myself “I don’t hate ____, but I hate something.

For example, I may say “I hate people”, but I take a breath and think “I hate when people do ____”. It is still hate. The focus has changed.

Yet, I still say “I hate” numerous times a day. I do it when I am overly frustrated. I may be tired. I may feel defeated. I may feel hopeless. I may want to surrender.

But at the same time I don’t give up. I keep on trying. I don’t even know why. For ten years, life has become progressively worse. I keep waiting for my life to hit rock bottom.

It is really stupid for people to say life will get better. Things will turn around. Bad times don’t last forever. Because there is nothing to prove that otherwise. How long does it take to turn around? I don’t just idly stand by waiting for change. I try to make things better. But everything I try fails.

I hate my life. Okay, so I don’t hate my life. I hate the struggle. I hate the going through this disaster all alone. I wish I had some joy.

Life should be happy, healthy, joyful, loving and alive. I am mostly healthy. I am alive. I am loving, but no one is loving toward me. I just need to work on the happy, joyful parts.

If you have a sensitive human in your life, please please be gentle with them. They aren’t like others. Their complex nervous systems and tender hearts become overwhelmed easily.

Noise, crowds, arguments, violence, harsh words, raised voices, energy shifts, anger and unrest will be enough for a sensitive person to shut down.

They may not say a lot, their world is internal. You will find them among animals and nature, it brings them peace. They are the peacemakers, the healers, and the angels who tread the earth so lightly.

One thing I have in common with my pop is always searching. I am always searching for something. A better way of life. A way to make more money. A way to be at peace.

He was never satisfied and neither am I. He did well in life. He had a good career as a doctor. He had a wife who adored him and would do anything for him. But he still searched.

I, on the other hand, have failed at life. I have not had a career. I have not had any relationship. So I think I am justified in searching.

At this time of my life, I give up I guess. I don’t know how to make a life. I just struggle. It gets harder every day. I’m not even searching anymore. I just struggle. I have tried just about everything I can. I try and fail. I don’t know what to try anymore. People say things will get better. You will see. I have been trying to make life better for 10 years now, and they just get worse.

I surrender.

One of the most valuable things we have in life is touch. There is something about being touched in a loving way that really heals you. I used to like getting my feet tickled. Someone asked me how I could stand it. I really liked it. I really like the sensation of fingers barely touching my skin.

As a child, of course, my mom would rub my back or my arms. And then there were the sleepy glasses. A tradition passed down from grandma to mom. This is making circles around the eyes and around the ears to make imaginary sleepy glasses. They are meant to help a little one get to sleep. In a way, they did. It was so relaxing.

After my mom had her stroke, I would gently touch her face. I know how much she liked it. She would close her eyes and relax and say, “Your touch”. It was hard to stop. It was such a simple thing to do, but it meant so much.

Even our pets like it. When you hold your pet’s head in your hand and give a gentle touch about the face, you can see how much it means. And for dogs don’t forget the butt rub.

Problem is that I am all alone. There is no one here to provide any touch anymore. So, I have to do it myself. Sometimes I will touch my arm ever so lightly to have that sensation. Sometimes I do the sleepy glasses. It’s better when someone else it there to do it. But you do what you have to do.

Don’t take any loving touch for granted. When it is gone, it is gone.

As a child not having siblings or friends for the most part, I learned early on that I had to do things all by myself. Sometimes I like it that way. You can do it your way. But sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it is crazy hard, and you want to give up. This is especially true with putting things together.

I don’t know how many times I have thought if someone could be here to just…. it would be so much easier. But no one is there and I feel so alone. I am determined to do the project but it is harder than it should be. There have been times I wanted to do something, assemble something and the product description says it will take 3-4 people to do the project. At that point, I have to choose another way of having something similar, but usually not so good. But then I just have to shrug my shoulders and accept that is the best I can do alone.

I don’t even know how to accept help. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel I owe someone a favor or money if they help. I don’t want to owe anyone anything so I prefer they just don’t help.

I have had imaginary friends all my life.

Don’t get the wrong idea. These are not voices in my head. These are imaginary friends I purposely make up. Someone I know thought I was schizophrenic. I am not. I know the difference.

I’m lonely. The only way to have an interesting life and to have help with life decisions is to have imaginary family and friends. I have a group of friends. There are six of us and we are known by others as the “six pack”. In this group is my spouse, and two other couples. We are close. They are the ones with whom I share my life. I have one of them around all the time. It changes based on the time of day. They help me to figure out what to do. I discuss my life with them and options. It is sort of like talking out loud to yourself, but more interesting.

I also have imaginary an imaginary family. I am the oldest of four kids. I have a real family, but they are not part of my life. So I make up other people. They all have very distinct personalities. This goes for my family and friends.

If this is not weird enough, my imaginary me has an imaginary life. In this imaginary life I am the captain of a ship and they all work with me. It is all quite entertaining. I do this to feel important and not so weird about my life. It is my way of having success in life and being great at something. I don’t have any real skills in life. I am fair at a lot of things but not great.

I do think I could be great at counseling people. Which may seem weird due to my weird life. But really. I am a trained counselor. I get people. I have a lot of empathy.

So, I can’t be the only person who lives like this. You may or may not know someone who is as lonely as I am. Even if you have someone in your life who is like me you will probably not know because who would admit it? Just be aware that there are a lot of lonely people. I know because I have talked to thousands of people over the years who are very lonely. They came to me for help but were not willing to pay for counseling services. Why? They had given up all hope.

When you live alone, you have to take on all the responsibilities alone. That may be fine with some people. For me, it isn’t. I don’t like making all the decisions alone. I don’t like having to decide what insurance company I should have. This is for car, health, and home insurance.

Things need repair. Who should I call? It is more than that. It is making sure you get taken care of properly when someone does come to do repair.

It’s also having money to live. I barely scrape by. That’s my fault. But I don’t feel I can buy anything. I feel so alone. I don’t enjoy life trying to make it on my own. I try and try to find a way to make more money, but I just can’t figure it out.

I don’t enjoy life at all. I hate my life. I hate it. I’m not living. I barely survive. What keeps me going? My dog. Sure, I’m grateful for what I have. But sometimes I want to just give it all up and live in a camper at the beach. But that is no life for a dog. Maybe when she is gone, I will do that. I really feel desperate to be free of all these life decisions.

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.

I have almost always been alone. We are not meant to be alone. Let’s not get confused here. I am not simply saying I live alone. That would be very different. Just living alone is not being almost always alone. I know people who live alone who still have full lives. They go out to eat, to movies, on trips, to parties and jobs. They are not spending nearly every minute alone.

I do. I have been mostly alone my entire life. I have a half-brother and half-sister but I grew up as an only child. I have had few friends in my life. And I have had no relationships. None.

I don’t have a job. My only interaction with others is at the grocery store. It is hard to not have anyone with whom you can talk. When I do have a chance to talk to others, I can be very chatty. I don’t want the conversation to end. But it does.

I do have a dog. Her name is Nanook. I talk to her a lot. But all she can do is wag her tail and bark. It is nice to have her though. She will probably be my last pet. I don’t want to take on any more pets as I am already 61 years old and I would not have anyone to take care of my pet if something were to happen to me. Anyway, there will be more on this alone theme. I will dive deeper on it.

Maybe just maybe you know someone who is alone a lot if not all the time. If you learn about my struggle, it may help you to understand that person. That is why I do this. I want to create understanding.

I love casinos. I have not gone for some time now. One, I don’t live as close to one as I used to. And two, I lose.

I used to go to this one casino that was 30 minutes away. I used to go there just for the buffet. I would play and then eat. That was something I did once a month. Then they changed the dining “rules” with the “pandemic”. The buffet is still there but it isn’t a buffet so to speak. You tell the servers what you want and they get it for you.

That is not a buffet. I like to get my own food. I get exactly what I want and how much I want. I get it just the way I want it. Plus, you have to be a certain level of player to be able to go and I am not that level. So I can’t eat there anymore even if I want to. Plus, they are not open for lunch and that is what I would want.

The buffet made it worthwhile. After 2020, it seemed harder to win. I used to win and lose fairly evenly. Then I just seemed to lose all the time. I am a poor loser. When I win, it is all good. When I lose, I am miserable.

I know what they say don’t play if you can’t lose. I can lose the money, but I don’t want to. It is not fun. When I am winning, all is good. Other people win I can smile and nod and think to myself, good for you. When I am losing, all is terrible. If someone wins near me, all I think is why didn’t I sit there?

So in summary I like casinos but only when I am winning.

I had a great childhood. At one time, we had horses. At one time, we lived right on the water with our own boat dock. I would ride my bicycle all over. When I was in the first, second and third grades, my friends and I would play our version of polo riding our bicycles.

Life was simpler then. I am at that age where we rode in the back of pickup trucks and on the top of the rear seat in a convertible. For fun we rode our bikes to the local convenience store grab a bottle of RC cola and as many Zotz candies we could afford at 1 cent each. Then we would ride home. We would explore the dried up river bed and walk barefoot on the ashes of burned leaves in the apricot orchard.

That may not sound like much, but we were happy. We didn’t look at a smart phone constantly. I like the idea of having phones for kids so they can be reached or reach their parents in an emergency. But to be constantly looking at a screen or listening to music is a big NO for me.

They say stop looking at the past. Grandma used to say you can’t go forward looking in the rear view mirror. But for me when I think of certain times, the happiness is there in the past. It isn’t here in the present. If I want happiness I find it one of two places.

One is in the past. One is in my imagination. I can smile and have fun in those two places. It’s nice, but sad all at the same time. What can I say?