In honor of suicide prevention day, there are a few things you need to understand.
First you need to understand depression. Depression is an action. It is in response to a sense of a lack of certainty or loss of control over some aspect of life. It isn’t all aspects of life. There is one aspect that brings on the action of depression. Some need is not being met, or the need is not being met in a great enough fashion. So this lack is where the depression comes to play.
Everyone has their response to the sense of a lack of certainty or loss of control. We all have our “knee jerk” reaction. Some people use depression. That may be surprising to those who do not understand it. Even harder to understand is that people with depression actually like it on some level. It is their comfort zone. They are used to how they feel. This keeps them in depression. It takes an alternative action to get them away from and out of depression.
After doing depression for some time, apathy comes into play. Apathy is the action of “I don’t care”. Why does apathy come in? It fills the need for certainty and significance. I know that is hard to understand, but it does. It brings in control. To care or not is your decision. This gives you some sort of control in one aspect of your life. You now have certainty. You are now certain things won’t get better. That issue that seems to be out of control, will never get better or go away.
Having a sense of control or comfort is important. We all need a sense of pleasure to avoid the pain. Depression and apathy also fill the need for significance by providing a unique answer. And as odd as it may sound they are done for survival. Survival.
So, how does suicide come into play? Well, when depression and apathy stop working, and they do, a new action has to replace them. There are two choices. Either find an empowering alternative that will fill the need on a higher level. Or turn to an alternative to meet the need on a lower level. This is the suicide option. More, it is the threat of suicide that most people use. Remember, depression and apathy are done for survival. So, when one threatens or attempts suicide, they don’t really want to die. They want someone to care. They seek someone who will help them to understand what is wrong or missing in their life, and to help to get that under control and make better.
Now how do you prevent suicide? So often people say, I had no idea. I thought he/she was fine. Well, it starts with paying attention. I know someone who regularly made posts on Facebook that should be red flags. But these posts seemingly go unnoticed. Why? Well either they are not recognized as by someone who is going down the deep depression path, or they are considered posts for attention.
That someone is seeking attention is a common reaction to certain actions that depressed people make. And quite frankly, most people get so tired of hearing about this persons problems they stop listening. We all have problems. Right? People who complain a lot are seen as whiners or cry babies. At some point, most want to turn to them and tell them to just shut up.
This is a cycle. The person in need makes attempts to be heard. They may get a little response, but it is not enough. So they make louder noise. They do it with more frequency. They become annoying. Others tune out. Now it seems no one is listening. The next action is to withdraw. This person who made all those Facebook posts suddenly stopped. What was the point? No one responded. No one reached out. They may try again to reach out in the only way they can. If they continue to be ignored, no for some this is where they now make the choice to take the second option and meet their need on the lower level. The threat of suicide.
What can you do? Well, don’t ignore the small signs, the small cries for help. If someone complains, whines or is a “cry baby” a lot, maybe that is the first sign. If they withdraw from society, that is another sign. If they want to sleep more, that is a sign. Listen. Ask. They probably won’t really be able to really tell you what they need. It is confusing. But just listening (little talking) will help to sort things out. The more someone talks, the more things become clear.
But, here is the tough part. If you have never experienced that sort of depression, it is hard to understand enough to help. What would work for you, more than likely will not work for them. It is best to have someone who has “been there” to help. Find a depression expert. But make sure they are a true expert. One clue is does the expert understand how depression is comforting? Even if you can’t find an expert that really understands, any counselor will be better than none.
So, there you have it. The why of suicide and what you can do to help family or friends in need.
Take care!
Coach Lisa.
www.facebook.com/coachLisa