If you don’t understand depression, you may have the wrong idea about it. If you don’t understand depression, and someone you know needs help, you may try to help but may end up saying the wrong things.
Depression is not just feeling down. Depression is a sense of a loss of control or uncertainty. It is not a mood. I repeat, it is not a mood. It is not made better by listening to happy music. It is not made better by doing something fun. It is not a matter of simply choosing to be in a happy mood.
Depression is an action. It meets a need. It serves a purpose. If someone with depression expresses to you what is bringing on the action of depression, one of the worst things you can say is “We all have problems.” Another wrong or not helpful thing to say is, “You just have to keep moving on.” Another thing not to say is “Get over it”.
Any of those statements above would make the person with depression feel worse. On top of that, it would make them feel stupid. They would feel stupid because they realize they don’t fit in. They are different. They would also feel that you don’t understand. If you did understand, you would not say that. Any one of those statements would very likely cut off all communication. They would not want to talk anymore because you have minimized the situation. You have minimized their issue. It would take too much energy to explain it to you.
What to do? Listen. Let them say what they have to say. This will help them to sort it out. Try to understand what it is that is missing in their life. What is uncertain? What is out of their control? When you know that, then you can help to resolve the issue. You can then help them to replace the action of depression with a better action to meet the need.
Cheers. Coach Lisa
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