Month: February 2018

Oh Heavens!

Way back when, saying the “F” word and giving the gesture that went with it was not common. It was actually not very common at all. In my growing up days that was a very bad word. Even through my college days, it was not something I heard regularly. To me, only the lowest of the low said that word and made that gesture.

There was a time that that word and gesture were used to provide shock. It was what one did to insult. It was done to let someone know that you thought they were not worthy. It was used to put others down. It was a statement.

But today, it is common, really common. It is so common today I don’t even know why it is considered a “bad” word anymore. It is not shocking to hear it. The word and the gesture are pretty much meaningless anymore. It can actually used as a joke today. I have seen people use it today to say something like “shut up”,”leave me alone” or “I don’t care what you have to say”.

Why it is bad and why we need to stop using it.

I have to stop right here and say I have never liked the word or the expression. I think it is not only rude, but violent and filled with anger. I think using it makes one more angry. Even though it is common it still has enough anger behind it to make it a negative force in society. That negative energy is out there.

Frustrations.

We get frustrated with others. We get frustrated when we have an “incident” while driving. We get frustrated when someone pesters us. We get frustrated when we get poor customer service or have a lot of steps to get through to have a problem resolved.

In today’s world the “F” word and gesture are the “go to” response. And even though they don’t have the impact they once had, they still put anger into to the world.

What to do?

I suggest using a friendlier word. I know it sounds silly. But is it silly? My suggestion is the expression “Oh Heavens”. Yes, that is my suggestion. It’s a fun thing to say. It is rare. And it is a nice alternative to a very rude and violent word and gesture.

Be a trend setter. Start the “Oh Heavens” trend. I dare you.

Cheers!

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

Not a Mind Reader

One of the biggest problems with communication is assuming the person or people you are talking to are thinking what you are thinking. We can clearly have the subject of our comments clearly in our head. We know what we are saying. But sometimes those who hear our words or perhaps even read our words don’t know what you are thinking.

Here is an example:

Yesterday a very dear friend of mine was very upset about the “children who had been abused”. “What children?, I asked. “Don’t you read the news?”, was the response. Well, she then got specific about which children had been abused. Once she clarified which children the conversation was fine. But until she had specified which children, I had no clue to whom she was referring.

Why this is important:

First of all, I was a bit upset with my friend for getting angry with me for not knowing “the children”, and seemingly upset with me for not being up on current events. It is a current event, but not as if it happened say the day before. Why was she angry with me?

Second of all, is the bigger issue. I don’t know how many times I have been talking to someone, and I thought what I was saying was as clear as can be. Just to have the other person make a comment or a question which made it clear we were thinking two very different things. I have always bee baffled as to why they were thinking something very different.

The reason they were thinking something very different is because they were not mind readers.

Falling on deaf ears:

This is sort of like talking to someone who is hard of hearing. Have you ever talked to someone who is hard of hearing and they can’t seem to understand anything?  Or have you ever tried to hear someone whose speech is hard to understand? You ask “what?”, and they repeat what they said and you still do not understand. At this point you have to ask again, or just nod and smile and hope they did not ask you a question. Both of these situations are very frustrating.  This is true when someone in a conversation thinks others are mind readers. Because when you have had a conversation go sideways you have choices. Start completely over by clarifying first or giving up on the conversation all together.

Why this matters:

This leads to mixed communication and misunderstanding. It can lead to frustration and hurt feelings. My friend knows I read the news. I read the news more than she. But for a moment, just a moment, she was frustrated  over my “lack of knowledge” and her need to “clarify which children”. I had temporary hurt feelings that she thought I was uninformed about current affairs. Now this was a short lived issue that was over as soon as I knew which abused children.

But take this to other scenarios. This could be an employee and his or her supervisor or boss. This could be a customer at a business. This could be a comment made just about anywhere. Think about how misinformation gets spread on social media. Think about how quickly anger flares. People start pointing fingers and calling names. And sometimes it can be over a simple misunderstanding because of poor communication.

When people are thinking two different things, things can get ugly. Has this ever happened to you: “You said xxxx”. “I did not”. “You did so”.  And what happened? Quite often that sort of “communication” leads to fights between family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors etc. It can lead to people not talking to each other and not interacting well, if at all, with one another. You  know what that is like. Tensions grow. It gets worse. Sometimes one person will break the ice and they clear the air by understanding what was really meant by understanding what the other person was thinking.

What to do:

If you are having a conversation with someone, make sure you understand each other. Make sure you have the information right. Don’t just smile and nod and hope they did not just ask you a question. And if someone says something you find hard to believe, get clarity. You may not be understanding them correctly.

Once I had a conversation that went sideways. The other person get very angry with me, and I had no idea why. So, I asked. She explained. I clarified what I had said, what I was thinking.  In the process of clarification I said I didn’t mean “that”. And she said something that stayed with me all these years. She said, “It doesn’t matter what you say, it matters how it is interpreted.” So keep that in mind. If others are getting the wrong idea, it may be because they are not a mind reader.

Cheers!

I hope this will help you to prevent misunderstandings and relationship issues or if nothing else help you to see where communication broke down so you can keep your relationships healthy and happy.

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

 

Oath to Humanity

Oath to Humanity

I vow to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant:

I will respect the footsteps of those who teach the art of humanity. I will respect their wisdom.

I will live my life in partnership with all humanity.

I will gladly share my wisdom with those who choose to follow in my footsteps.

I will not provide any means for another to hurt themselves when they feel hopeless.

Nor will I suggest any means to do self harm.

I will aide others and do acts of kindness within my ability.

I will will share warmth, sympathy, empathy, and understanding to all fellow human beings.

I will respect the privacy of others and will not spread rumors or personal information.

I will remember that I am not helping an inferior person, but a human being that is doing the best they can, and has had a difficult time.

We all need someone to lean on from time to time. I will not be ashamed to ask for help when I am unable to take care of my needs. I will accept help when I need it for me and my family.

I will work to prevent hardship for others for it is easier to prevent hardship than it is to fix.

I will remember that I am a member of society, with obligations to all my fellow human beings, those who are doing well and those who are not.

If I do not violate this oath, may I enjoy life. I will be respected while I live and be remembered with affection thereafter.

May I always act so as to build up the human race as a calling and thus may I experience the joy of assisting those in need.

This post can be found at: www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach

Cheers!

Coach

Confidence made Easy

Hey~

Some people have natural confidence. One of the things I admired about my mom was her confidence. Even when she did not know how to do something, it did not stop her. I too have a lot of confidence. I think I can do all sorts of things. I am not always right, but it does not stop me from trying.

People don’t have confidence sometimes. If they don’t know how to do something, they don’t want to try.  People don’t want to try something if they will fail or think they will fail. Why bother?

The thing about confidence is that we all have confidence in certain areas of our lives. There are things we have tried so we have confidence in that. You know whether or not you like sushi for example. You know if you like roller coaster rides. There are also things we have studied. You know if you are good at computers. You know if you are good at repairing a car or preparing a meal.

But then there are the unknown things. Would I like this or that? Would I be good at this or that? Can I do that job? In this list of unknown things, you want to do this or that. Perhaps you want to start a business. But you don’t have the confidence to try. Perhaps you want to play a sport. Perhaps you want to start a band. But you lack the confidence to do it.

What to do?

Confidence is easy. 

Think of something you excel at doing. What are you really good at doing? What do you love to do? When you do that you have a natural confidence, right? Right. OK so now just use that natural confidence you have in that and apply it to this new thing you want to start doing.

It is that easy.

When you are doing or tying something new and feel reserved just imagine that thing you have mastered in your life. Imagine doing that. You will feel confident.  Now smile. That helps everything. Smiling adds relaxation and confidence. An extra tip about smiling… keep your mouth closed an just put the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth. Then you have that “Mona Lisa” smile thing going on. It’s like your little secret. In your mind, you know you are smiling, but no one else does. Try it.

Don’t be afraid to try. I have tried and failed more than most people have tried. You may not be great at what you want to do. You may not like that new food you tried. You may not like that adventure. But will never know unless you try.

So what? So what if you don’t like it or are not good at it. If you do try and do like it, who cares if you master it or not? Do what you enjoy. Doing what you enjoy brings richness to your life.

There you go… confidence made easy.

Cheers!

Coach

www.facebook.com/lisayifecoach