Hello
So many of my posts are written because of my own experience. It is my hope that by sharing things with you I can help you. I want to share with you the strength I recently got from the silent treatment.
I have a nephew with whom I have a strong bond. He has had issues with drugs. I thought he had finally gotten clean. I was wrong. So, without knowing that he was vulnerable he and his wife and I entered an agreement. I would help him to get into a business. We three would run it together. They would do most of the work, but I would help as needed. This business would give me the financial security I want. Well, he got back in trouble with drugs. It was a nightmare. Things spiraled down and out of control so fast I was numb. There was arrest after arrest.
So, the money was going God knows where, but not into the business. The deal fell through. So there I was with my retirement money getting lost. Not only was I not making this “easy” money at the business, but also they were charging up legal fees etc. I thought having the business would put me on easy street. I was to get a nice income from a business that my nephew would handle. So, they both ended up doing time for drug related charges. So, they aren’t working and able to make any sort of loan payments.
Now they are both out. I have no relationship with her, but I have one of sorts with him. But since he got out in August, he is giving me the silent treatment. He won’t talk to me at all. I have no phone number, but I have reached out to him on Facebook messenger. But silence. We were communicating through letters when he was behind bars so this came at a complete shock. And fear set in. How am I going to get my money back if I can’t contact him or know where or what he is doing?
But today, I figured out what was going on. In this case, the silent treatment is a wall between us. When he was behind bars, he was free of responsibility. He did not have to find a way to pay me back. He couldn’t. But, now he is out and has to have a job. And now he has to be responsible. This wall of silence is a lame attempt to protect himself from the responsibility of this debt. But it won’t work. I will not be manipulated. I will not be controlled. This ploy to avoid me to shut me out is not going to work. It is having the exact opposite result. I am more determined than ever to get the money back. I want to do this the easy way and have him “voluntarily” pay me back. But if he keeps up this wall then I will be forced to go through the courts. I really don’t want to do that, but I will.
The silent treatment is a nasty ploy. If it lasts for hours (normal person silent treatment), days or years (narcissist silent treatment) , it is an act of passive aggression. It can be for many reasons. In my case, it is a substitute for a prison wall. Often it is to make the victim invisible. It is to make the victim feel insignificant. They want you to think you are not important.
The person using this ploy actually has a lot of feelings, but does not know how to express these feelings. So they don’t. They just shut out the world.
The silent treatment is also used to play on your fears. It says this is what it would be like with out me. It says see how much you need me. Submit. You may have asserted yourself. You may have stood up to this person and now they are putting you back in your place. They want control back. They are trying to create insecurity. Jump through my hoops. Kiss my butt.
The silent treatment is to control, punish, test boundaries and to avoid issues and responsibilities. Silence is actually the most powerful scream. It is a desperate attempt to be heard. But it does not solve problems it makes them worse.
What to do? Well, it differs from case to case. It starts by figuring out what the purpose of the silent treatment is. Understand that no matter the what and why of it the benefit of this ploy is (punishment for example), the survival need being met by the silent treatment is control and certainty. The answer is to find a way to get that goal met on a higher level. And that is the best I can do without knowing more.
But do not let the silent treatment control you. Take example from me and turn it around and have it give you strength. A few days ago, when I coached my mentor coach, I told her I did not want to fight him. I don’t. It is ugly and tiring to have to fight someone in court. But today, after I realized the meaning of the silent treatment I am getting from my nephew, I have strength to fight. Yes, I turned this nasty narcissist ploy to my advantage and so can you.
Cheers!
Coach
www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach