So, there was a mass shooting in San Diego.
Why? There are so many speculations.
The questions are:
Random?
Mental illness?
Despondency and debt?
Distraught over the breakup with his girlfriend?
Nope. It was not any of those things. They may be factors. But they are not the reason.
Don’t complicate things. EVERYTHING, YES EVERYTHING comes down to four survival needs. These are connection, significance, variety and certainty. These four things are what drives people.
So, what makes someone do such a thing? What makes someone shoot innocent people? Well, it varies from person to person, but for people who do these sort of acts this is the general idea:
Variety: How will it end?
Certainty: Need control. Fear of losing control. Depression.
Significance: The need for meaning, importance, purpose. Anger.
Connection: The need to connect with others. Feel what I feel.
So, what does this mean to us? How does this help? We always ask questions after such an event to understand what causes it so we can see the signs and perhaps prevent it from happening again. Right?
The signs were there. The family said he was spiraling downward. No one expected he would do this. Who would expect that? Unless someone has a history of violence, most of us would not expect someone to do such a thing.
Let me make one point very clear here. No one is to blame for this, but the man himself. Maybe family and friends tried to help him. That information is unknown. Maybe they tried and now think they should have tried harder. Once again, this information is unknown.
So, what could have prevented this? It is hard to say without knowing the main motivator in this case. But we must not ignore the signs. The things this man experienced were devastating to him. While many of us would have taken these sort of disappointments in stride, he did not.
I think the only thing that could have helped was recognizing that this man needed help. He needed help with looking at his life in a better light. He needed to meet his needs on a higher level. Sometimes things get very out of balance. When someone seeks one need too much, then they ignore the opposite need.
So many times people say really odd things sometimes. Maybe they talk about death. Maybe they talk about not feeling loved. They may talk about being a loser. They may put themselves down a lot and not in a funny way. Maybe they talk about feeling trapped. If someone you know says some very odd things, take notice. It may be a cry for help.
Show them their life is out of balance. Give them ideas on how they can meet their needs in a positive way. Help them feel secure. Give them challenges. Help them to care about and love themselves. Create a support system. Get them around people who can support the change. If you don’t know how to help, talk to someone. Talk to some sort of counselor.
Questions to ask someone who needs help to motivate them to change:
What will you lose if you don’t change?
How will that feel?
What will you gain if you do change?
How will that feel?
Encourage them with this:
With change they can be a whole person. They can ditch the pain and substitute it with pleasure. When we can’t take the pain anymore, that is when change occurs. Everything comes down to getting pleasure to avoid pain. The choice is theirs.
Lisa Y. Life coach
www.facebook.com/lisaylifecoach