Empower U

If you get offended when talking about sex do not continue to read. Are you being sexually fulfilled in your relationship? It is easy for people to share the most intimate part of their body with someone and that someone may be a person they just met, yet when it comes to talking about sex people are embarrassed. Does your partner know what turns you on or what your fantasies are?

Ten to 15 percent of American women have never experienced an orgasm. You have to allow yourself to change your self talk. You have to tell yourself “You know what? I’m going to enjoy this.” Give yourself permission to relax and go with the flow. You have to let all the craziness from the day out of your head so that you can enjoy the moment. Some reasons for not having an orgasm include sexual anxiety, and fear of letting go.

I’m not talking about the sex that you have when you are young and you just want to please your partner and everything is good. This is the sex that you have when you want to feel valued and have your happy ending too.

Fifty to 75 percent of women who have orgasms need clitoral stimulation and are unable to have an orgasm through intercourse alone. Even for women who do orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone, most still need the right position to provide clitoral stimulation. You have to know how to please yourself in order to communicate your needs to your partner. Masturbation is a great way to explore what makes you feel good so you can show your partner. And no, in my humble opinion masturbation is not a sin, it is you pleasuring your own body and if you can make love and have sex with a partner then you can have sex with yourself.

It is hard today because everyone is busy and tired but once you learn how to communicate your sexual wants and desires it can be a powerful ending to a stressful day and you deserve to be satisfied.

Reference:
— Understanding the Female Orgasm, Al Cooper, Ph.D., Sex Therapist, July 2003.

I write a lot about endurance and being resilient, it’s not because I have nothing else to say. Everything that I write about, be it relationships, being successful at work or just getting through the everyday burdens of life, comes not only from faith but your ability to have endurance and be resilient. Your faith will give you the inner peace, calmness, clarity and hope to know what is right for you. It is up to you to take action and push forward as your faith will give you the courage and intuition that you need to succeed if you listen to your heart.

My father told me the story of a the man in the middle of the ocean drowning. A life boat was thrown out to him, the coast guard came and people passing by tried to rescue him, but the man refused all their help and told them “I have faith that God will rescue me”. The man drowned and got to the gates of Heaven and God was there so he asked God, “I had faith, I believed in you, why didn’t you save me?”. God replied, fool I sent you a life boat, the coast guard and the people that stopped to help and you refused. What else did you want?

The point is that your faith is your belief that acts as your guide that God will not steer you wrong if you believe, yet you need to be resilient and have the ability to endure when you feel you have nothing left so that you utilize yourself and the resources available to help you get to where you are destined to be. Don’t let things pass you by because you are waiting on a miracle.

~ Empower U

Part five of ‘dating your partner consistently’. There is nothing wrong with being a strong independent woman at work but that is exactly where it needs to be left if you expect to be treated like a lady in your relationship. I am a leader and a Soldier in the U.S. Army and I am very capable of doing things for myself, yet I am very much a lady and I am treated as such by my husband who is also a service member that is aware of all my abilities. As women you want equal pay, rights and respect at work and deservingly so because you work extremely hard and have earned those rights, however it has spilled over into your relationships and the male/female roles have been skewed.

Men today have become emasculated and confused because of the messages you send them. If you have ever said “I don’t need a man for anything, I can do it all by myself” then this is for you. Back in the day there were things that men had to do just have the privilege of taking a woman out on a date much less sleep with her. Now because you can do everything on your own, you have confused being independent with your essence and grace of being a lady and all the courting that men used to do is almost nonexistent. For the sake of our daughters in this generation you have to model to them what chivalry looks like. When my son left with his date to prom with both sets of parents watching as they went to the car, I was very pleased to see that my son opened the car door for his date and helped her and the dress into the car and closed the door for her— her father was pleased as well. I did not have to tell him to do that, it came naturally to him because that is what his father does for me.

Bring chivalry back into your relationships by allowing your partner to do some simple things like:

– Open doors for you
– Pull your chair out and wait for you to be seated before he sits
– Pay for your meals
– Help you fix your car or take it in for services and fix things around the house
– Pump the gas in your car
– Help you to put on your coat or jacket
– Hold your hand in public

The roles of men and women in relationships are not always about money and who makes more or who is most self sufficient, it’s about the value of love and respect that you place on each other that can make a huge difference. If you change your viewpoint from that of you showing weakness to you allowing your partner to adore you for the Queen that you are, then the transition will be easy. When you make these shuttle changes your partners view of you and himself tends to shift and he sees his value as your man. You cannot complain when your partner has let you down because he just wants sex or has literally screwed you and left you with a baby. If you tell him that you do not need him for anything then you cannot expect him to do anything.

Empower U and your partner, allow him to be the man in the relationship. If he does not step up to the plate then you know what you got and as always, the choice is yours.

~Empower U

You hear success stories and think “I can do that” because you rarely hear about the pain, struggles, commitment, and endurance needed to be successful at your goals and dreams. There is a certain amount of resiliency needed to move forward each day when you are discouraged or feel like quitting. You have to get up every single day being your main supporter and the loudest cheerleader in your corner. You are going to have doubts, there will be skepticism yet you cannot quit. On the days when you feel alone on the journey towards your dreams that’s when you have to be your number one fan and believer. Nothing worth having comes easy.

~Empower U

Self esteem comes from self worth. Self worth comes from the morals and values you place upon yourself along with what you have already accomplished all combined into one.

If you are telling people “I have low self esteem”, there is nothing they can do or say to change how you feel about yourself. All the affirmations in the world will not help you if you do not believe in yourself. In other words, YOU have to value yourself to have self esteem. It does not matter what your parents tell you. Parents are supposed to say good things about you, usually they cannot help boasting about their children, especially if what they are saying about you is true. You should not depend on what your spouse, partner or friends say about you. You have to be disciplined to appreciate your accomplishments, know your limitations as well as what you are capable of achieving, willing to overcome the obstacles that stand in your way and stick to whatever your goals are in order to find self worth. Consistency is the key when working on anything dealing with how you feel about yourself.

We are thought not to brag or act conceited when we are talking about ourselves but that is the self talk you need to practice until you learn to accept it and belief in your abilities. It’s good to get feedback from others in order to correct things you may not be aware of, however, YOU have to realize your greatness and potential. Be proud of who you are regardless of where you are in your journey through life.

~Empower U

Can your relationship survive after an cheating? There is no one simple answer to that question, but first let us define cheating.

There is one night stand that may be a single incident that many people have been guilty of at one time or another while involved in a committed relationship. It can also be with a different person during various times throughout the period when one is supposed to be committed to you. It is wrong regardless of the circumstances involved be it alcohol, anger or just plain lust or greed.

There is an affair in which someone has an intimate relationship with one person over a period of time and is sexual in nature.

There is the latest trend of emotional affairs when one divulges all their issues with their committed partner to another seeking validation and assurance and can include texting sexual fantasies, sexting and various intimate details. It is often seen as harmless because there is no actual sexual contact.

The worst case scenario is when someone incorporates all of the above without any empathy or regard for their committed partner.

These are all bad circumstances that can cut deep and have different affects on you depending on if you have been dating for a long period of time or married. It will hurt especially at the initial point when you realize that you have been cheated on or are currently being cheated on. It can be even more devastating if you have children with this person.

There are too many details and specifics to try to sum it all up in a blog however you can start to pick up the pieces for yourself by figuring out what category your situation falls into. Then you have to accept the fact that for every incident that you know about there may be others that you do not know about that may have started out as emotional affairs. There is no need to try an be a detective to figure out the details because the fact that it happened is more than enough. The questions that you need to ask yourself is:

– Can you live with this persons character?
– Are they showing TRUE regret or are they just sorry that they were caught?
– Are they doing things consistently to repair the situation?
– Are they being transparent from this moment forward? For example… Do you have access to email accounts, phone passwords and phone bills, credit card or banking information, etc… that you can access randomly?
– Can you trust them and feel confident that they have not created another email account that you do not know about?
– Are they allowing you to vent and go through the grieving process of the trust loss in the relationship or are they rushing you along and telling you to get over it?
– Are they blaming you for their indiscretions?
– Are they willing to seek help to repair the relationship via counseling, pastor or life coach?
– Do they show empathy and understanding of the devastation and pain that you are going through?

If you are married you need to ensure that you are checked out for a sexually transmitted disease (STD). I speak that point specifically to married couple because they usually do not think that they would get an STD from their partner and go untreated for a long period of time.

There is no easy answer but you have to ask yourself these questions at a minimum and answer them honestly. Whatever you choose, Empower U with the information to make an informed decision for your life.

When you are unsure about who you truly are you tend to settle for what looks good right now even if you feel uncomfortable in that relationship majority of the time. If I polled everyone on here the majority of you would say that you are strong, confident and sure of you are as a person. The truth however, shows itself in the company you keep, the kind of relationship you have and what you tolerate from from family.

I associate with a lot of people because I know where I came from and I try to educate and uplift others to do better and be better just as others have done for me. My close friends that I have, keep me grounded and I go to them for support, guidance and unbiased truth. The friends you have that are close to you should represent you and at least be on your level as you grow together or on the level of which you are trying to achieve. This is not an ‘I think I’m better than you’ thing; You should always search for growth, knowledge and experiences to be the best you possible.

As you get older and work through life’s growing periods you should eventually get to a place when at a minimum, you know what you are not willing to accept in your relationship. You cannot say ‘I am confident and sure of who I am’ yet you are dating or married to someone without a job because they are not really putting in an effort to get one, abusing you in some capacity, not present as a parent or is not seeking their own personal growth and knowledge when it’s clear that they need to. Or worse yet, you with someone that already has a partner. Is that person seeking knowledge on how to put together the best resume in order to get a job? Are they learning about investments and retirement for the future or how to progress at work? Are they working on being a better friend, parent, lover, partner? Are they seeking spiritual growth or better communication skills? The list goes on depending on what your values are. If you are confident in yourself then your partner should reflect your values and morals.

Family members can be the biggest abusers of power based on their title. You would not go to visit grandma continuously knowing that she disrespects you in front of your children and spouse. If you are confident and sure of yourself then you are able to set boundaries and even cut the cord when needed.

It is very easy to walk around with a mask on trying to convince everyone including yourself that you are strong or confident but the hardest part is having it reflect through your life decisions and the relationships that you are connected with.
Actions always trump words and it takes someone strong, confident and sure of themselves to make those hard decisions in life.

We are halfway through the ‘dating your partner consistently challenge’. Part four is about setting timelines to track progress. In today’s world everything happens fast and we expect changes to happen immediately after we say them but that is not how it works in relationships. If you are in a committed relationship with someone that is not abusing you and communicates that they are actively working on positive change for themselves and the relationship then you have to allow time for growth. Habits are harder to change the older we get but remember you cannot change people that are not willing to change themselves.

Along with communication there needs to be some form of action. There should be timelines not to be confused with ultimatums. Once you give an ultimatum then you have to stick with it or you become a bluffer and will not be taken seriously, Timelines are used to track progress. For example if marriage is your goal and your partner states they need certain things to happen before they propose then you can track your progress using a timeline. If you both reach those goals then they come up with new ones or you are the only one working towards the goals then you can see that they are stalling and it may be time to move on, especially if you are going into year three or four of dating. In addition, you can say ‘I give us six months to work on our issues’, you can use the timeline to track your progress but you both have to agree to the terms whether there is counseling, a life coach there should be a mutual agreement on how each person will actively work on making changes in the relationship.

If you ever get the chance to run across a couple that have been together for thirty plus years, ask them how they managed to stay together that long? They alway say communication, commitment and compromise. They do not compromise their values or morals but they choose which battles are worth the fight and they always stress communication is the key and commitment is the foundation.

I look at couple relationships almost the same as sibling relationships, one minute you are fighting and ready to knock each other out, the next minute you are playing together as if nothing happened. You have to decide what works for you and the good times should always outweigh the bad. If you set a timeline it will help you to see if the relationship is headed in the right direction or if there is something as a couple the you need to work on.

Empower yourself and your partner and be accountable for your actions.

There are two impacting moments in life when you find out who your true friends, family and supporters are:
– when you are going through hard times
– when you are experiencing great moments in your life

The most obvious moment is when there is no support when you need it. If you are the one that is not there for others but expect others to be there for you or complain when others are not there, then you need to do some self reflection and recognize that within yourself. However if you have been a true friend and supporter to others and at your time of need and they are not there then that should be a wake up call for you. All relationships are not perfect but there should be some kind of balance. It does not have to be financial support because everyone is trying to find their way but you can offer emotional or spiritual support. This can be confusing because you can say that certain people are there for you when times are hard. There are questions that you need to ask yourself.

– How are they contributing to your situation?
– Are they there to empower you to get through the hard times by uplifting you to do better and make better decisions or are do they bring more negativity and make you feel worse then when you started the conversation?
– Are they your ‘hype man’ that makes your situation worse or are they guiding you without bias to be the best you possible?

The second moment is when you are doing well and the people that you expect to be there to give you affirmation and recognize your hard work and accomplishments are not there. That is another way to know who is really in your corner. Some people only show up when times are hard because “misery loves company” it’s up to you to figure out what their motives are. People may not realize that you need them through the good times as well as the bad so you need to communicate that to them. Others may feel they are in your corner but then start to feel a certain way when you are actually doing well. They need to work through their own issues but you have to find strength to weed out the people that are known as ‘haters’.

It is very hard to know how to handle relationships but I have found that it is better to have quality people surrounding me rather than quantity. It is not necessary to stop socializing with everyone you just need to understand the limitations of that relationship. If you value the quality of your relationships than there can be that handful of people that are in your corner and you will be satisfied.

Family is a privilege not a right, do not be taken advantage of because of a title. The question you need to ask yourself is “if this person wasn’t family would I still be associated with them?”. If the answer is ‘no’, does it make sense for you to continue to struggle and fight through this relationship if that family member is not fighting to be in good grace with you? In my eyes, God sees everything and I do not believe that he wants you to tolerate bad behavior or abuse from anyone, even family. You see it on the news everyday about parents abandoning, neglecting and abusing their children. Does that mean that child is then obligated to them because they are family?
You can get through whatever you are going through. Empower U. Inbox me at:
https://www.facebook.com/empoweru1
www.ctacoaches.com/empoweru/
jamillah.foulkes@gmail.com