Empower U

Requested topic for discussion: How do I “stay true’ to myself while in a committed relationship?

The biggest mistake made, mostly by women, is the need to please. When a relationship starts everyone breaks out their representative to do things and speak on their behalf. That may seem like a good idea in the beginning but it causes many problems once the facade is over. Your true self will appear when you least expect it. If you do not like football do not act as if you are a football fanatic. If you do not like to watch ‘The Real Housewives of….’ Do not act like Teresa Giudice is your favorite housewife. It is perfectly fine to learn about your partners interests and occasionally participate in watching their shows or doing activities to bond, but make it clear up front that it is not your thing. This could actually be to your advantage because if you do not like something but you are making an effort to learn about it, that shows you want to learn about your partners interests and you care enough to at least try it.

Tips on staying true to yourself:

– Figure out what you do not want in your relationship– the deal breakers
– Decide what your top five requirements are– the absolute must haves’s
– Make it a point to be yourself– if there is something said or done that you do not like, do not allow the butterflies in your stomach (or the fact that you do not want to be alone or you will never find someone, etc…) persuade you to let it go.
– Be honest with yourself– and the person you are dating. Step outside your bubble and ask yourself if this someone that you would want your BFF, mom or dad to date or would you give them an earful.
– Keep up with your same activities and routines– if you meet your friends every Thursday for girls night or football, continue that routine.
– Do not isolate yourself– refer to above. Of course going out on dates and spending time to get get to know each other is how you get to know someone but that should be planned around your routine activities. It is easy to stop doing your hobbies or routines then before you know it, everything is now planned around your dating schedule. Until you are married, keep your life. Even in marriages you need to have something to call your own.

When everything is new and fresh you want to make a good impression but that is not always the best thing to do. You want people to see you for who you are, what you believe, your likes and dislikes and accept you for you, flaws and all. The person that is right for you will accept you as you are, the hardest part is making sure you are not dealing with their representative that is tolerating you for the moment. That is where communication comes in as always.

You have to be confident in yourself to let them know that it is okay to leave if they do not like everything about you. You can simply say “this is the true me so I hope I’m dating the true you” and leave it at that. It will then be on them to figure out what they want. Like I heard Wendy Williams say you do not always have to be “boo’ed up”. You can be alone until the right person comes along and as always, the choice is yours.

Jamillah Foulkes~Empower U

Always remain humble and remember to say thank you. Thank you is always due to whomever your higher power or being may be. Be it for allowing you to see another day, giving you spiritual peace and clarity. Whatever your spiritual purpose may be or mean to you, always say thank you.

In this day and age of social media and everyone being somewhat disconnected from each other, it is important to let the people that have helped you or are currently helping you to know that they are appreciated. It falls in line with words of affirmation. It is up to you to be creative with how you show your appreciation so it does not seem like you are just going through the motions. Just as you would like someone to let you know that they appreciate your hard work at home, at work or for just being a good friend when you needed one, it is important to pay it forward and do the same for others.

My thank you goes out to Karla Pincott for hearing my voice and believing enough in me to share it with the world. I am grateful and humble for her reaching out to me when I thought no one was listening.

Feel free to tag someone in the comment section of this post and let them know that they are truly appreciated.

Pay it forward and Empower someone for Empowering U.

Read my article– How to develop your business endurance

http://www.thebusinesswomanmedia.com/develop-business-endurance/

Read my article– What the military can teach you about endurance

http://www.thebusinesswomanmedia.com/military-business-endurance/

Read my article– How to stop dumbing yourself down

http://www.thebusinesswomanmedia.com/how-to-stop-dumbing-yourself-down/

Read my article– Stand tall aim taller

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The “but” factor. I do not have magic wand that fixes issues, frankly no one does– no therapist, pastor or life coach. Nothing can happen unless you make the necessary changes and put in the work. I work for you as a guide so that YOU can work through all the confusion, blurred lines and gain clarity in order for you to achieve your goals. There are so many times that people ask for advice or want changes in their life and we get to the thought process to start the transformation and the word “but” appears.

“But”
– I want to start a new career “but”
– I want to break up because I know they aren’t right for me “but”
– I read the inappropriate text messages and/or emails “but”
– I know that I am being disrespected “but”
– I raised my children up right, yet they are being disrespectful and I know that I need to be their parent not their friend “but”
– I want to talk to my boss about… “but”

The list goes on “but” you get the point. You cannot expect change if you continuously fight reality or refuse to do the right thing. If your great gift of intuition is speaking to you, along with the other people that you asked for advice– to include myself, are telling you the same thing that your intuition told you, then it is probably time for change. When you seek guidance from others it is not because you are clueless, it is because you seek validation and approval to change your situation.

Unfortunately that hardest things to do are 99 times the right thing to do. You resist change because of your own top three selfish reasons.

The number three reason is:
– Because I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL BAD

The number two reason is:
– Because I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK BAD

The number one reason is:
– I FEEL GUILTY

Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation. It is closely related to the concept of remorse.

Unless you did something morally or ethically wrong to another, there is no place for guilt. How can you justify guilt because you choose to make positive changes in your life that SOMEONE ELSE may not agree with? That is their issue, not yours. Therefore if you know it is time for a career change, a relationship change, a wake up call to your children– that will become bad adults if you do not fix it now, boundaries need to be set for disrespectful parents, family members, friends or peers, time to talk to your boss about career progression, and you CHOOSE not to take action, then do not seek help from others and do not complain.

There will be many times in life that you have to take that hard left and as always, the choice is yours.

~Empower U

It is important as you begin your life’s journey to success that you become an active listener. You will go through some of the hardest times in your life and if you share your goals with the wrong people it can delay your progress if you have not yet mastered the skill of self validation— which most of us are still struggling to do.

The Fakers:

Most people talk about the Haters, but are also people I tend to call the Fakers— there is a difference between the two. Fakers may be the closest to you and/or knew you before your transformation, they want you to succeed and will actually be happy if you did however they do not have the faith, confidence or belief in your abilities to accomplish your goals. Fakers will go along with your ideas and may even give you some of their own but in their head they are not on board or have negative thoughts about your capabilities to achieve success. They usually only become a problem if they share their true thoughts and feelings with another and it gets back to you. You can recognize them because the may make little comments that are so subtle you may miss it if you are not actively listening. The defining moment is when you actually start to achieve your goals, you will sense their shift of confidence in you as if they had no doubts and always knew you could do it. They are entitled to their views and opinions, however it is up to you to decide if they are worthy to partake in the benefits of your rewards.

Balancing the oxymoron:

Now is the time to be vigilant at learning how to become aware of who you keep in your circle. In order to keep moving forward you have to listen to everything going on around you while at the same time remain focused, motivated and on course. This is difficult to do because it is an oxymoron—requiring you to actively listen to people and your surroundings while focusing on achieving your goals—hence why geniuses are sometimes paranoid or delusional. Being successful is hard work and everything becomes a balancing act.

Bottom line up front:

The amount of people that you associate with will increase as your circle of friends decrease— your understanding and separation of the two helps deter disappointment and let downs. Actively listen to ensure you are aware of your opportunities and surroundings. Every intricate detail and decision that you make from this point forward will determine the speed of your success. Once you are aware of your surroundings, you become prepared to jump over the obstacles that you CAN see.

~Empower U

Do not act on impulse. Things happen in relationships that constantly make you second guess your relationship and as Murphy’s law would have it, the wrong influences always show up at the right time.

You have a heated argument with your partner:
– That old flame from ions ago sends you a message to check up on you
– You see some hot person that suddenly starts engaging you with meaningful conversation
– Someone you were interested in before you met your partner suddenly has a come to Jesus moment that tells them they have to be with you.

It never fails, you can almost put it into your timeline— heated discussion and no one talking to the other, here comes someone that is willing to talk to you armed with every compliment in the book. That is when you have to pump the brakes and reflect. Everything that looks good is not good. The most venomous creatures in nature are usually the prettiest and most colorful. You should not react to these temptations when you are having trouble in your relationship. Of course it creates more problems than you originally started with. It also blurs your view of the temptation in front of you leaving you unable to make a true and valid assessment because of all the emotions that you are feeling. An assessment is based on facts and acting of impulse is based on emotions and feelings and usually do not end up well.

How to soothe your impulse:
– Take a deep breathe
– Think about the consequence and impact your actions will have on yourself and/or others
– Decide if you will have regrets
– Immediately contact your partner so that you can work on your issues

That is a lot to try to do when you are about to act impulsively but that is the point. If you try these things it will take you out of the moment long enough to think things through. Things can spiral out of control very quickly sometimes it becomes such a mess that it is not repairable.

Every relationship has ups and downs, someone is usually all in when the other is ready to be out, that’s why you are a team. Sometimes one is pulling more weight than the other but if you have a good foundation with mutual love and respect then you can work through those moments. Your grass can be greener too if you water it.

Empower your relationship, do not allow one moment in time to ruin a good thing. As always if your partner isn’t willing to work on issues in the relationship, the choice is yours.

~Empower U

I do not know exactly how many of you are doing my ‘dating your partner consistently’ four week challenge, however here is part two to help you along the way. Also, if you have any questions about the challenge or you are feeling discouraged because change is not happening fast enough remember it’s four weeks for a reason and you can inbox me your questions or concerns. So here it is, you have to learn how to be bi-lingual. I’m not talking about love languages, I will address that in another post. I’m talking about things that are said and how they are received.

For example, someone says “I need time to figure out …..” And you hear “you need space?”, “you don’t want to be with me anymore” or another translation “you have someone else on the side?”… And then the argument begins. This is true for all types of relationships, you may say something and all hell breaks loose because what you said does not match what the other person heard and vice versa.

Becoming bi-lingual is very hard to do because it take time, effort, practice and patience for everyone involved. Someone’s background, previous relationship or life experiences can cause huge communication issues on both sides. As with all things effective communication is required. I know the guys are saying “more talking?”, but it is not about more talking, it’s gaining understanding of the person you are communicating with and is absolutely important in order to get through this issue. Everyone has to be willing to repeat in a calm manner what they heard someone say in order to get clarity BEFORE they blow up on them. It may not even be a negative thing. You may think you heard someone was say that they were going to do something nice then it blows up because you are disappointed when it doesn’t happen.

This is not for all conversations but if you find your arguments sounding like, “but you said…. To me” and it’s a lot of back and forth about what was or was not said, then it’s time to put this into action. You both have to come to an agreement that if something is said that bothers you or if you have an expectation of someone, then you speak up to get clarification. As you begin to do this you will find that you do eventually become bi-lingual because you learn how the other person speaks or articulates their feelings then you no longer have to ask them what they meant.

Relationships have been ruined due to lack of understanding exactly what the other was saying. People go years without speaking to each other just because of what they thought they heard someone say to them or about them. Empower yourself and others not to talk more but to become effective communicators.