Are you committed to your relationship or are you just settling? There is a distinct difference between the two. Many of you right now are in miserable relationships and think that you are committed to that person when indeed you are just settling.

The main reasons that I hear about are:
— to save face and not feel embarrassed that your marriage or relationship has failed because you were told early on that person is not right for you
— because you are financially dependent on that person
— because of the children
— you don’t want to be alone
— you “love” them

None of those reasons listed should define your “status” of being in a relationship that is miserable. All relationships will have its ups and downs. However, being miserable, disrespected or abused should cause you great alarm.

If someone told you that person wasn’t right for you maybe they had their own agenda. Or they may have seen the signs that you overlooked because you were focused on the butterflies that you felt when you were with this person or the great sex that you couldn’t think clearly. Things that the person on the outside looking in does not experience. You have to realize that it does not matter who is right or wrong but that you are in control of your decisions and can admit to YOURSELF that you made a mistake without explanation to anyone– then fix it.

If you are financially dependent then this one is simple– how much is your peace of mind worth? How much can anyone buy your happiness for?

If you have children with someone then you both should be actively working on creating a healthy example of what a relationship looks like. If you both aren’t actively working on the relationship then what are you really showing your children. No issues should even be seen by the children but things happen and tempers and emotions flare so if your children see this happening constantly without resolution then it negatively affects them. They have to know that there may be conflict but look how we work to resolve it– otherwise they believe conflict without resolution is normal.

If you do not want to be alone– I wonder how connected or together are you with someone if you are are in constant turmoil? If you are not mentally and emotionally connected then you are still alone with the exception of someone being there in the physical being. Having sex with someone does not mean you are not alone– anyone whose had a one night stand knows this. Sex is the bonus connection of the relationship that is fed by the emotional connection that translates to making love. If your idea of not being alone means that you are okay with constant arguing then you need to address that.

If you love someone– shouldn’t they love you back– enough to realize your unhappiness and put in the effort to make things better? Loves summates all of your issues and means that together 1+1 you are working towards the betterment of the relationship– because 1+0 just leaves you– so unless you love yourself first things still won’t work out.

It’s time for you to put on your big girl panties and your big man briefs and stop waiting for someone else to determine the future of your relationship. It’s a part of the “what you want to do, well what do you want to do?” Or “you leave, no I’m not going anywhere, you leave”, cycle where you both go back and forth with no resolution– then it’s back to the same miserable situation. You need to define your belief is about what a relationship should be and decide if yours is living up to its potential. If it’s not then you should be communicating that to your partner. If they are not willing to acknowledge the need for change so that together you work on making things better, then you have a big decision to make. As always, the choice is yours.

Jamillah Foulkes~Empower U