Actually, all behavior is your child trying to communicate with you. The misbehavior comes in to play when a child perceives that one or more of their basic needs are not being met. This is not a conscious perception, anymore than it is a conscious perception with adults most of the time either. Children haven’t developed the capacity to seek other outlets for their frustrations related to unmet needs as we adults have been so keen at accomplishing, so it rears its ugly head in other misbehaving ways.
We have the same basic needs, whether we are 1 or 101 years old. The four most prevalent are to feel powerful, to feel heard (understood), to feel important and to feel loved. When any of us perceives one or more of these basic needs going unmet, we will (mis)behave. As adults we can seek this resolution in other escapes like alcohol, drugs, work or isolation to name a few. Most any addictive behavior qualifies as an outlet for resolution. Not that it resolves the unmet need, but we can ignore the frustration for a little while as we indulge.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, for the younger generation they are not adept at this level of creative escape and they put all of their energy in to letting us know that they are not happy. Next time that your child is acting out (or your spouse for that matter), stop a minute and ask yourself if you can figure out which of their basic needs they feel is unmet. Have you been unable to spend the same amount of quality time with them recently? Has there been a significant change in their routine? Is there a new sibling in the home? One great way to support the self esteem of your child if you are seeing an increase in misbehaving is to spend 3 to 5 minutes each day on your child’s eye level and giving them your 100% undivided attention. This means no phones, no TV, and no other distractions for 3 to 5 minutes. Just let them tell you what ever they want to tell you. Ask questions to gain a deeper understanding and connection about what is happening in their world. I can positively assure you that what ever is going on with them, their behavior is never an attempt to make our lives more difficult. They simply want the same resolution that we all seek when we feel very hungry.
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