I last wrote about how all misbehavior is simply our child trying to communicate something to us. Well in a broad sense, doesn’t that apply to all of us? Think about it for a moment. How do you feel and react when someone asks/tells you to do something you REALLY don’t want to do? Do you just go ahead and do it anyway, without any grumbling, complaining or hard feelings? Do they have to come back a day or two later and remind us of their request? Or do you wonder why they can’t ask nicely? Or why are they asking me to do this? What if they are angry, frustrated or maybe even yelling their request? If you’re like me, you don’t just jump up and do it. If we as adults feel this way about how a request is made of us or what we are requested to do, why do we get surprised when our kids respond the way they do? As adults at least we have had the opportunity to learn how to articulate when something isn’t right in our world, when one of our basic needs isn’t being met. Our kids haven’t evolved that far yet. So, how do we explain our behavior in those times?
I recently had a manager that was very condescending in his approach and conversation with me. It was very difficult and rare that we would have a conversation that he didn’t feel the need to “correct” me or clarify my statements for improved accuracy. His expectations were very clear that when he said something was blue, it was blue. It didn’t matter if everyone in the room saw orange. And there wasn’t any tolerance for trying to help him see orange. More than one person lost their job by making the mistake that he was even remotely concerned with anything other than what he wanted. There was even less tolerance for asking any clarifying questions about the directives that were handed down. Just do it. It reminded me of my mom saying, “Because I said so!” Which, by the way, I overheard myself saying on more than one occasion as a parent… Needless to say, my career path was one that was abruptly redirected by this very manager.
Most of us parents were raised by adults that were doing the best job that they knew how to do. The tools they used didn’t always lend themselves to anything short of yelling, threatening, grounding, punishing, spanking or giving us the ultimate “Because I said so!”. What preparation and training did they have? More often than not, they parented the very same way that they were parented. After all, by the time we graduated from home, we turned out alright. Ever watch a young, inexperienced manager or supervisor struggle with gaining the cooperation of their coworkers? It’s typically their approach to getting people to do the work that they already know how to do. For some reason when we find ourselves in a position of authority, we think that we have to tell other people what we expect them to do, when to do it and how to do it. I can recall several examples of that failure in my own early career. It was very frustrating.
“The child is constantly confronted with the nagging question, ‘What are you going to be?’. Courageous would be the youngster who could look the adult squarely in the face and say, ‘I already am’. We adults have forgotten, if indeed we ever knew, that a child is an active, participating, and contributing member of society from birth. Childhood isn’t a time when he is molded into a human who will then live life, he is a human who is living life. No child will miss the zest and joy of living unless denied by adults who have convinced themselves that childhood is merely a period of preparation.” -David Elkind
I love this quote. It is so true. Our children respond to us in the very manner in which we approach them. Redirecting Children’s Behavior inspires us to use the tools that produce on-the-spot cooperation with our children. The hidden beauty is that we can have that same level of cooperation in every relationship if we will apply them. Because it isn’t about the tools as much as it’s about the reason we choose to use them. Our children are a wonderful barometer of where we are in our relationships with other people. They response to our requests is usually very unfiltered. If we feel we are lacking cooperation from our children, we should investigate our intention. What is it that we want in this moment? And the answer has to come from some place much, much deeper than “To do what I told them to do”. If we are struggling with cooperation with our kids, it is very likely that we are struggling with cooperation in our other close relationships. Adults won’t always tell you this as clearly as your own kids will. Improving our level of cooperation with our children has more to do with altering our behavior than it does with further attempts to modify theirs. Our children really are our lightening rod when it comes to our relationships with people. As a Parent Coach I inspire parents to behave better so that their kids will. If you want to find out some refreshing ways to gain on-the-spot cooperation with your kids I suggest that you check out the next Redirecting Children’s Behavior course or call for your free initial coaching session. Cooperation is not really all that difficult if we are willing to take the time, use the tools and want closeness in our relationships. If it’s more important that we be right, then cooperation is not what we will get. We will have to settle for compliance which is much more demeaning and leaves everyone feeling frustrated.