The tools we use as parents to address the behavioral problems we experience with our children really only come from two basic camps. We are either parenting for compliance, or we are parenting for cooperation. We cannot achieve both of these simultaneously. I know that over the years I have used both of these tool sets and have discovered that both are effective in their own regard for results. For me the decision has come down to one of “What do I want for my child?”. My desire as a parent has been to raise daughters who are fully capable of making wise choices for them selves. I want them to become adults who have a healthy self-image, feel very confident, and understand the value of influence and cooperation.
As I look at the tools for compliance they are not really very attractive to me when given the chance to examine them. Seeing myself as a grown adult who is now responsible for making sure that this little child is able and ready to take on the world is a very common perspective and one that I shared for many, many years. I still see that persona arise in some of the most interesting of circumstances, generally when I’m caught off guard or feeling pressed for a response. But over the years I have spent a significant amount of time with the tools of cooperative parenting and find tremendous value and benefit to using these tools more often than not.
Compliance works in the moment that it is called upon, until it doesn’t. When compliance no longer has influence, then what?! At some point my child will no longer feel impressed by the fact that I am older and wiser, or that I can take away privileges as punishment for not complying. I have also found that most of the time when compliance tools are the closest ones at hand, I am usually short on time and/or patience. Forcing my authority as the one who brought this child in to the world will work as soon as I can raise the stakes to the level that it becomes more painful or too painful to refuse to comply. After all, isn’t that what we are doing as parents when we resort to the tools of counting to 3, or yelling, or punishing, or taking away privileges, or threatening, or spanking? Does anyone enjoy these power struggles? I know I don’t, and yet they are all too easy to achieve. Until they no longer work.
If I succeed in getting my child to clean their room, under the duress of my usurping authority, did they do it the first time I asked them to? How many times did I have to repeat my request while increasing the amount of painful behavior or threatening in order to get what I wanted? How long did the power struggle ensue? I can actually recall this power struggle lasting for days in my home while the tension and frustration mounted inside of me and inside of the relationship. All the while I am not aware of the damage I am doing to the relationship with my child. I am creating fear and separation by approaching my parenting with these tools. My children will always love me, but will they want to approach me for the critical choices they face ahead when they reach their teenage years.
Once the teenage years arrive, I can no longer expect to be the most available influence in my child’s life if I have not already built that foundation with them early on. A huge level of trust must already exist once the struggle of autonomy begins and the hormones begin to rage inside their growing bodies. If I haven’t developed the relationship with them that makes me approachable, they will find that connection outside of the home. It is at this critical decision-point that children begin to experiment with the things are readily available to them for establishing a connection and a sense of acceptance and belonging. The risky behaviors don’t seem so risky when there are several people who want to be your friend telling you that, “it’s okay, everyone does it”. What is the influence in their life that will override this choice to go along with the crowd? Who will be the most convincing and influential voice for your child at this time? This condition can be corrected once our kids are teenagers and already engaging in these behaviors, but the process is very long, costly and deeply painful for everyone.
I have found that the best approach to avoid having this happen is to use the tools of cooperative parenting. It’s never too late to start this process either. It is not a gimmick or a 3-step approach to parenting. It is a set of tools and skills that matched up with your loving intention creates a relationship with your child that leaves them feeling empowered, experienced, focused, fulfilled, cooperative, self-reliant and all of this with a healthy self-image. The beauty of this approach is that as your children get older, you find that you parent less. Another wonderful aspect of this approach is that you get to use fewer words to accomplish the end result. Empowering your child is the best gift that you can give them when the time comes that they will begin making decisions without you around or without including you. The day is coming for you as it does for every parent.
Cooperative parenting is all about how you involve your child in the process of achieving the results that you are seeking. Gaining influence with them also engages their full participation and often their complete ownership in the process. In time you will even find that your child will begin to use these very same tools on you. They are already using the tools of compliance when they delay, stall, forget, do a poor job, or just don’t do it at all. These cooperation tools are simple to learn and easy to apply. Making the shift might take a little time at first while you are getting used to them, but the results come very quickly and it is amazing how quickly and positively your children will respond to this parenting style. As I pointed out in my last blog entry, our children already are contributing members of our society. Our role as parents isn’t so much to prepare them for the world, but to equip them with the tools and self-image that will give them the best opportunity to thrive outside the home.
These tools will work in any situation. If you have a child that has been diagnosed ADHD, or if you have already walked the parenting path for several years and have reached a point of frustration it doesn’t matter. Your child will respond positively to the cooperative parenting style. I encourage you to call us to find out more about how we can help restore peace and cooperation to your home and your children.
We have Redirecting Children’s Behavior course filling up now so call today to reserve your seat in an upcoming class. We also have a few coaching times available for helping restore the cooperation and end the fighting in your home.