Are We Parenting for Compliance or Cooperation?

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The tools we use as parents to address the behavioral problems we experience with our children really only come from two basic camps. We are either parenting for compliance, or we are parenting for cooperation. We cannot achieve both of these simultaneously. I know that over the years I have used both of these tool sets and have discovered that both are effective in their own regard for results. For  me the decision has come down to one of “What do I want for my child?”. My desire as a parent has been to raise daughters who are fully capable of making wise choices for them selves. I want them to become adults who have a healthy self-image, feel very confident, and understand the value of influence and cooperation.

As I look at the tools for compliance they are not really very attractive to me when given the chance to examine them. Seeing myself as a grown adult who is now responsible for making sure that this little child is able and ready to take on the world is a very common perspective and one that I shared for many, many years. I still see that persona arise in some of the most interesting of circumstances, generally when I’m caught off guard or feeling pressed for a response. But over the years I have spent a significant amount of time with the tools of cooperative parenting and find tremendous value and benefit to using these tools more often than not.

Compliance works in the moment that it is called upon, until it doesn’t. When compliance no longer has influence, then what?! At some point my child will no longer feel impressed by the fact that I am older and wiser, or that I can take away privileges as punishment for not complying. I have also found that most of the time when compliance tools are the closest ones at hand, I am usually short on time and/or patience. Forcing my authority as the one who brought this child in to the world will work as soon as I can raise the stakes to the level that it becomes more painful or too painful to refuse to comply. After all, isn’t that what we are doing as parents when we resort to the tools of counting to 3, or yelling, or punishing, or taking away privileges, or threatening, or spanking? Does anyone enjoy these power struggles? I know I don’t, and yet they are all too easy to achieve. Until they no longer work.

If I succeed in getting my child to clean their room, under the duress of my usurping authority, did they do it the first time I asked them to? How many times did I have to repeat my request while increasing the amount of painful behavior or threatening in order to get what I wanted? How long did the power struggle ensue? I can actually recall this power struggle lasting for days in my home while the tension and frustration mounted inside of me and inside of the relationship. All the while I am not aware of the damage I am doing to the relationship with my child. I am creating fear and separation by approaching my parenting with these tools. My children will always love me, but will they want to approach me for the critical choices they face ahead when they reach their teenage years.

Once the teenage years arrive, I can no longer expect to be the most available influence in my child’s life if I have not already built that foundation with them early on. A huge level of trust must already exist once the struggle of autonomy begins and the hormones begin to rage inside their growing bodies. If I haven’t developed the relationship with them that makes me approachable, they will find that connection outside of the home. It is at this critical decision-point that children begin to experiment with the things are readily available to them for establishing a connection and a sense of acceptance and belonging. The risky behaviors don’t seem so risky when there are several people who want to be your friend telling you that, “it’s okay, everyone does it”. What is the influence in their life that will override this choice to go along with the crowd? Who will be the most convincing and influential voice for your child at this time? This condition can be corrected once our kids are teenagers and already engaging in these behaviors, but the process is very long, costly and deeply painful for everyone.

I have found that the best approach to avoid having this happen is to use the tools of cooperative parenting. It’s never too late to start this process either. It is not a gimmick or a 3-step approach to parenting. It is a set of tools and skills that matched up with your loving intention creates a relationship with your child that leaves them feeling empowered, experienced, focused, fulfilled, cooperative, self-reliant and all of this with a healthy self-image. The beauty of this approach is that as your children get older, you find that you parent less. Another wonderful aspect of this approach is that you get to use fewer words to accomplish the end result. Empowering your child is the best gift that you can give them when the time comes that they will begin making decisions without you around or without including you. The day is coming for you as it does for every parent.

Cooperative parenting is all about how you involve your child in the process of achieving the results that you are seeking. Gaining influence with them also engages their full participation and often their complete ownership in the process. In time you will even find that your child will begin to use these very same tools on you. They are already using the tools of compliance when they delay, stall, forget, do a poor job, or just don’t do it at all. These cooperation tools are simple to learn and easy to apply. Making the shift might take a little time at first while you are getting used to them, but the results come very quickly and it is amazing how quickly and positively your children will respond to this parenting style. As I pointed out in my last blog entry, our children already are contributing members of our society. Our role as parents isn’t so much to prepare them for the world, but to equip them with the tools and self-image that will give them the best opportunity to thrive outside the home.

These tools will work in any situation. If you have a child that has been diagnosed ADHD, or if you have already walked the parenting path for several years and have reached a point of frustration it doesn’t matter. Your child will respond positively to the cooperative parenting style. I encourage you to call us to find out more about how we can help restore peace and cooperation to your home and your children.

We have Redirecting Children’s Behavior course filling up now so call today to reserve your seat in an upcoming class. We also have a few coaching times available for helping restore the cooperation and end the fighting in your home.

Our Child the Lightening Rod

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I last wrote about how all misbehavior is simply our child trying to communicate something to us. Well in a broad sense, doesn’t that apply to all of us? Think about it for a moment. How do you feel and react when someone asks/tells you to do something you REALLY don’t want to do? Do you just go ahead and do it anyway, without any grumbling, complaining or hard feelings? Do they have to come back a day or two later and remind us of their request? Or do you wonder why they can’t ask nicely? Or why are they asking me to do this? What if they are angry, frustrated or maybe even yelling their request? If you’re like me, you don’t just jump up and do it. If we as adults feel this way about how a request is made of us or what we are requested to do, why do we get surprised when our kids respond the way they do? As adults at least we have had the opportunity to learn how to articulate when something isn’t right in our world, when one of our basic needs isn’t being met. Our kids haven’t evolved that far yet. So, how do we explain our behavior in those times?

I recently had a manager that was very condescending in his approach and conversation with me. It was very difficult and rare that we would have a conversation that he didn’t feel the need to “correct” me or clarify my statements for improved accuracy. His expectations were very clear that when he said something was blue, it was blue. It didn’t matter if everyone in the room saw orange. And there wasn’t any tolerance for trying to help him see orange. More than one person lost their job by making the mistake that he was even remotely concerned with anything other than what he wanted. There was even less tolerance for asking any clarifying questions about the directives that were handed down. Just do it. It reminded me of my mom saying, “Because I said so!” Which, by the way, I overheard myself saying on more than one occasion as a parent… Needless to say, my career path was one that was abruptly redirected by this very manager.

Most of us parents were raised by adults that were doing the best job that they knew how to do. The tools they used didn’t always lend themselves to anything short of yelling, threatening, grounding, punishing, spanking or giving us the ultimate “Because I said so!”. What preparation and training did they have? More often than not, they parented the very same way that they were parented. After all, by the time we graduated from home, we turned out alright. Ever watch a young, inexperienced manager or supervisor struggle with gaining the cooperation of their coworkers? It’s typically their approach to getting people to do the work that they already know how to do. For some reason when we find ourselves in a position of authority, we think that we have to tell other people what we expect them to do, when to do it and how to do it.  I can recall several examples of that failure in my own early career. It was very frustrating.

 

“The child is constantly confronted with the nagging question, ‘What are you going to be?’. Courageous would be the youngster who could look the adult squarely in the face and say, ‘I already am’. We adults have forgotten, if indeed we ever knew, that a child is an active, participating, and contributing member of society from birth. Childhood isn’t a time when he is molded into a human who will then live life, he is a human who is living life. No child will miss the zest and joy of living unless denied by adults who have convinced themselves that childhood is merely a period of preparation.”  -David Elkind

 

I love this quote. It is so true. Our children respond to us in the very manner in which we approach them. Redirecting Children’s Behavior inspires us to use the tools that produce on-the-spot cooperation with our children. The hidden beauty is that we can have that same level of cooperation in every relationship if we will apply them. Because it isn’t about the tools as much as it’s about the reason we choose to use them. Our children are a wonderful barometer of where we are in our relationships with other people. They response to our requests is usually very unfiltered. If we feel we are lacking cooperation from our children, we should investigate our intention. What is it that we want in this moment? And the answer has to come from some place much, much deeper than “To do what I told them to do”. If we are struggling with cooperation with our kids, it is very likely that we are struggling with cooperation in our other close relationships. Adults won’t always tell you this as clearly as your own kids will. Improving our level of cooperation with our children has more to do with altering our behavior than it does with further attempts to modify theirs. Our children really are our lightening rod when it comes to our relationships with people. As a Parent Coach I inspire parents to behave better so that their kids will. If you want to find out some refreshing ways to gain on-the-spot cooperation with your kids I suggest that you check out the next Redirecting Children’s Behavior course or call for your free initial coaching session. Cooperation is not really all that difficult if we are willing to take the time, use the tools and want closeness in our relationships. If it’s more important that we be right, then cooperation is not what we will get. We will have to settle for compliance which is much more demeaning and leaves everyone feeling frustrated.

All Misbehavior is Communication

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Actually, all behavior is your child trying to communicate with you. The misbehavior comes in to play when a child perceives that one or more of their basic needs are not being met. This is not a conscious perception, anymore than it is a conscious perception with adults most of the time either. Children haven’t developed the capacity to seek other outlets for their frustrations related to unmet needs as we adults have been so keen at accomplishing, so it rears its ugly head in other misbehaving ways.

We have the same basic needs, whether we are 1 or 101 years old. The four most prevalent are to feel powerful, to feel heard (understood), to feel important and to feel loved. When any of us perceives one or more of these basic needs going unmet, we will (mis)behave. As adults we can seek this resolution in other escapes like alcohol, drugs, work or isolation to name a few. Most any addictive behavior qualifies as an outlet for resolution. Not that it resolves the unmet need, but we can ignore the frustration for a little while as we indulge.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, for the younger generation they are not adept at this level of creative escape and they put all of their energy in to letting us know that they are not happy. Next time that your child is acting out (or your spouse for that matter), stop a minute and ask yourself if you can figure out which of their basic needs they feel is unmet. Have you been unable to spend the same amount of quality time with them recently? Has there been a significant change in their routine? Is there a new sibling in the home? One great way to support the self esteem of your child if you are seeing an increase in misbehaving is to spend 3 to 5 minutes each day on your child’s eye level and giving them your 100% undivided attention. This means no phones, no TV, and no other distractions for 3 to 5 minutes. Just let them tell you what ever they want to tell you. Ask questions to gain a deeper understanding and connection about what is happening in their world. I can positively assure you that what ever is going on with them, their behavior is never an attempt to make our lives more difficult. They simply want the same resolution that we all seek when we feel very hungry.

 

For more information about this topic visit our website and call or email us about the courses and workshops we offer.